"Mental"

So I am kind of annoyed/angered by a new show coming out called Mental. They seemed to try to sell the show by playing a new song by The Fray during the commercial advertisement. I just get a bad feeling that this show is going to portray mental illness poorly/in a bad light. If people want to do a show on mental illness they should put a PBS type special on the major networks so more people will get to see the facts. But, I guess that is not entertaining enough. I don't think the show starts until next Tuesday, and I am not sure if I will watch it. I could be wrong, but I am kinda afraid to watch it and get insulted. I probably understand schizophrenia better that the writers of the show do. Unless one or more of the writers are schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is most often portrayed in a very negative light in the media. I am sure most people have seen on the news or heard about at least one person that committed a crime and had a history of mental illness.

This brings me back to a topic of one of my previous posts, Kendra's Law. I really don't feel like rehashing it.

I guess I am a bit sensitive on the subject of mental illness. But I have to live with it. I have to have the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder of the Depressed Type and I have to share that with anyone I get close to at some point in time. I have to deal with their preconceived notions of what schizophrenia is and how schizophrenics are. Many people will probably not get to know me because of society's attitude. I feel cheated.

'Kendra's Law'

It has come to my attention that I am clearly more depressed than I thought. Sometimes it is hard to see out of the fog. I do believe that my depression this time around is merely situational depression. There is a lot of crap on my mind that is bothering me.

I went for a physical last Friday to get necessary paperwork for my housing application. The doc told me that I had a slight heart murmur. This freaked me out, I did not say or ask anything. I am always worried about my heart and this was just some fuel for the fire. It took me back to a conversation I had a long time ago with a fellow mentally ill friend. He had told me he had a heart attack and warned me about psych meds f'ing with my heart. He said something about his heart valve being damaged by his antipsychotic. I immediately attributed my heart murmur to long term effects of my medicine. If my heart murmur is slight now, could it get worse with the continual doses of perphenazine and Abilify? If that is the case I am doomed.

I cannot go off of this medication. The one time I did, the hospital took me to court to have me mandated to take my meds in a supervised community residence. It is Kendra's Law-a law stemming from a schizophrenic committing a horrific criminal act while off his medication. I did NOT commit any crimes. Not all schizophrenics are prone to violence when symptomatic, contrary to popular belief. In fact, they coerced me into lying to the judge- saying that I was non-compliant with medication three times. I was only non-compliant once. But if I didn't go along with the lie, I would not ever get out of the hospital they said. I assume they meant they'd send me to a state institution. Is that horrific or what? I think so.