After all...

So I've had some caffeine and figured I'd write while there were some words in me. Perhaps my meds are too strong. My psychiatrist is going to lower my medication because of all the horrible side effects I've been having. She already lowered it and at the next visit she said she'd probably lower it again. It still takes some caffeine to get my brain working enough to write. I guess I'd rather be this way than in the psych ward.

I don't really count my last hospitalization as a true psych ward experience. That is because I wasn't really symptomatic to the extent I usually get so it was not really frightening and I didn't get any injections or restraints. Lovely to talk about injections and restraints. I have never threatened anyone, but I guess they thought I was a threat to myself if not others. To me, to have the full psych ward experience, you need to have a needle or be strapped down and secluded. That's the heavy stuff. I don't include ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). I've never had it and am going to fill out an advanced directive so I never will. I keep procrastinating on the advanced directive. I really don't want to think about being in such situations where a decision like that has to be made. Everyone has their own opinion on whether ECT is beneficial. I know there have been success stories- I just don't want it for myself. I am glad it can help some people. I may have mentioned in past entries about wanting freedom from psychiatric treatment. There is a part of me that wants to be institutionalized and off meds, free to let my brain be in the state it chooses. Perhaps that would be a pseudo-suicide. I just looked up the term pseudo-suicide and found out it is actually a parasomnia. Oh well, I think it is obvious what I meant by that. It would hurt too many people in my life though if I did that. I'd also have to get a good lawyer and fill out the advanced directive...

I haven't been having much anxiety or emotional pain lately. I haven't been attending therapy as often either. Perhaps the vacation from therapy gave me a vacation from my problems. I think it's just that things have been pretty good. Also, the medication is helping.

We finally have some nice weather and I took a long walk today. I've been thinking of joining the gym because I want to try and kick this sedentary lifestyle of mine. I don't know if I will keep motivated enough to get my full use of the gym, but if I don't try I'll never know. My mother has a negative attitude about me joining the gym, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am 32 years old, after all.

Repeat patient

So now that I am home again, I have lots of time to fill. In the hospital I was coloring in little kids coloring books with crayons and colored pencils. It is a good way to kill time when you're waiting for your doctor or your night-time meds.

I recently bought a book called "The Ultimate Tea Diet." So I was reading some of that today. I bought it for the extensive information about tea- I find it very interesting. I am a tea lover, in particular, black teas. I enjoy the Tazo 'Awake' tea at Starbucks and Chai lattes. I can drink caffeinated or decaf. However, if I have an appointment to go to, I'll drink caffeinated so I am alert. My new dosage of meds is making me a bit tired and I made the mistake of drinking decaf the day of my last therapy session. I was pretty knocked out and did not get much out of the therapy session at all.

I got a little bit annoyed at my therapist during my last session. It was the first time I'd seen her since the hospital. I felt the questions were annoying, especially when she started on the topic of my housing situation. She wants me to call my house counselor, she even offered to do it for me. She wants me to work on my issues with my housemates and apply for different housing until I can get couples housing. I don't want to do this. My issues with my housemates have been ongoing since I moved in, and talking to the counselor will most likely make life a living hell for me here. My housemates are very immature for their age, and they have been known to retaliate toward one another when someone speaks up to the counselor. They will make up stuff, especially the older one. I don't need that b.s. I really don't. The best thing for me to do is continue keeping food in my storage bin in my room, getting out of the house often, and hoping and praying that my boyfriend and I hear from couples housing.

I am not looking forward to my next therapy session, because I will not have done what she was pressuring me to do. She however cannot call my counselor without my permission unless I intend on hurting myself or hurting someone else. Gotta love confidentiality.

The big question of the day/moment is: Am I depressed? I think I am to an extent. It always seems to happen when I come home from the hospital and back to my lovely reality. It would explain why I was irritable in my last therapy session. And why I am so pessimistic about my future with this therapist at the moment. When I first started going to her, I was raving about how she is such a good therapist, with all her questions and analysis.

I am upset I missed the Coldplay concert.

Basically I think I saved myself from a psychotic episode that was waiting to happen. I started becoming a bit manic, and my nightmares and lack of sleep were indicative of problems ahead. Lack of sleep was what preceded my very first hospitalization. You begin to learn to recognize your symptoms when you are a repeat patient. Well, at least I have. The progression into psychosis for me usually consists of being manic/lack of sleep/anxiety.

Tuesday morning I have training for becoming a volunteer at the all-cat shelter. Hopefully I will be able to get up early ok. I have my psychiatrist that afternoon, so it shall be a busy day.