After all...

So I've had some caffeine and figured I'd write while there were some words in me. Perhaps my meds are too strong. My psychiatrist is going to lower my medication because of all the horrible side effects I've been having. She already lowered it and at the next visit she said she'd probably lower it again. It still takes some caffeine to get my brain working enough to write. I guess I'd rather be this way than in the psych ward.

I don't really count my last hospitalization as a true psych ward experience. That is because I wasn't really symptomatic to the extent I usually get so it was not really frightening and I didn't get any injections or restraints. Lovely to talk about injections and restraints. I have never threatened anyone, but I guess they thought I was a threat to myself if not others. To me, to have the full psych ward experience, you need to have a needle or be strapped down and secluded. That's the heavy stuff. I don't include ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). I've never had it and am going to fill out an advanced directive so I never will. I keep procrastinating on the advanced directive. I really don't want to think about being in such situations where a decision like that has to be made. Everyone has their own opinion on whether ECT is beneficial. I know there have been success stories- I just don't want it for myself. I am glad it can help some people. I may have mentioned in past entries about wanting freedom from psychiatric treatment. There is a part of me that wants to be institutionalized and off meds, free to let my brain be in the state it chooses. Perhaps that would be a pseudo-suicide. I just looked up the term pseudo-suicide and found out it is actually a parasomnia. Oh well, I think it is obvious what I meant by that. It would hurt too many people in my life though if I did that. I'd also have to get a good lawyer and fill out the advanced directive...

I haven't been having much anxiety or emotional pain lately. I haven't been attending therapy as often either. Perhaps the vacation from therapy gave me a vacation from my problems. I think it's just that things have been pretty good. Also, the medication is helping.

We finally have some nice weather and I took a long walk today. I've been thinking of joining the gym because I want to try and kick this sedentary lifestyle of mine. I don't know if I will keep motivated enough to get my full use of the gym, but if I don't try I'll never know. My mother has a negative attitude about me joining the gym, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am 32 years old, after all.

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

Rough night/morning

I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.

A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.

I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.

Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.

Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.

My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.

I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.

I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.

Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.