Believing

I had an intense therapy session today with my psychologist, Sally. Basically I told her about an incident following watching part of a family home video on Thanksgiving. A day later I started getting severely depressed when I spoke of it, on the verge of tears, but I was at my boyfriend's house and didn't want to cry there. I ended up crying in therapy today and when I went into why it upset me I pretty much started sobbing and could not stop.

For the first time ever, a clinician told me I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. Nine years ago my boyfriend at the time tried to convince my psychiatrist (who happens to be my psych doc now) that I had it and she would not hear it. She has never believed that I was abused; she even wrote on my psych eval : 'No history of abuse'. I switched psychiatrists but ended up back under her care when there were not much other options with my insurance.

I've known all along that I have suffered from PTSD, but no one would believe me. My therapists all believed that I was abused, one thought I had MPD/DID, another thought I had DDNOS (Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). I have experienced psychosis but I have discovered that psychotic symptoms can occur with PTSD. I found this information from the website: http://ptsd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Psychosis.htm. I have copied and pasted an excerpt below:

"Psychotic Symptoms in PTSD

Researchers at the University of Manitoba, Columbia University, and the University of Regina examined the data on 5,877 people from across the United States in order to determine the rates with which people with PTSD experience different psychotic symptoms.

They found that, among people with PTSD, the experience of positive psychotic symptoms was most common. Approximately 52% of people who reported having PTSD at some point in their lifetime also reported experiencing a positive psychotic symptom.

The most common positive symptoms were:

• Believing that other people were spying on or following them (27.5%)
  
  
• Seeing something that others could not see (19.8%)
  
  
• Having unusual feelings inside or outside of their bodies, such as feeling as though they were being touched when no one was really there (16.8%)
  
  
• Believing that they could hear what someone else was thinking (12.4%)
  
  
• Being bothered by strange smells that no one else could smell (10.3%)
  
  
• Believing that their behaviors and thoughts were bring controlled by some power or force (10%)

The researchers also found evidence that the more PTSD symptoms a person was experiencing, the greater the likelihood that they would also experience positive psychotic symptoms."

Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.

New therapist, new start

--This entry is dedicated to the memory of my late Uncle Steven.--


So I was finally able to catch up on the sleep I missed from the caffeine high the other night. I also made and attended an appointment with a psychologist from the list my boyfriend found. Her name is Sally and she is a PsyD. Basically a PsyD has trained more toward clinical practice as opposed to a PhD which has trained more toward research. I found through my experience with different therapists that many of my psychologists, all of whom were PhD's, were not so actively involved during my therapy sessions. Most of them, including Dr. K, would nod their head, say OK and uh-huh, and leave all the talking and direction of the session up to me. Jeanne, who is a CSW, was highly involved in my sessions, asking questions and providing a good amount of feedback/analysis. I did look for another CSW, but found none that took Medicaid. Today was my first session with a PsyD.

Sally's methods include Analytic, Family Systems, and Psychodynamic. She has a certificate in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. I remember one psychologist I had back in 2000 had a psychodynamic approach and was slightly more involved than other psychologists I've had. So when I found out Sally's approach methods included psychodynamic, she kind of stood out amongst the other therapists on my list.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is defined according to minddisorders.com as follows:

"Psychodynamic psychotherapy is a method of verbal communication used to help a person find relief from emotional pain. It is based on the theories and techniques of psychoanalysis. Psychodynamic psychotherapy is similar to psychoanalysis in that it attributes emotional problems to the patient's unconscious motives and conflicts. It differs from classical psychoanalysis, however, in that psychodynamic psychotherapists do not necessarily accept Freud's view that these unconscious motives and conflicts are ultimately sexual in nature."

Today's session with Sally was interesting in that she was asking me about my delusions. Never before has a therapist of mine really 'gone there.' I was hesitant in telling her the bizarre and crazy cognitions that used to run through my head during my psychotic episodes, as I thought if she found them out she would not want to treat me. I once went to a DID/MPD expert and when she found out I had a psychosis problem, she basically had the attitude that I was psychotic, therefore in her mind, helpless besides medication treatment. Sally was actually trying to connect my delusions with what conflict was going on in my life at the time of them. This gives me some hope. Instead of dismissing my delusions as solely neurotransmitter misfirings in the brain, she actually looked for some issues behind them. I truly believe that medication alone will not adequately help me in my healing process. It probably also helps that Sally has had ten years of experience working at Hillside Hospital with major psychosis and depression patients. This is not something new to her.

I am most likely going to continue therapy with Sally, even though the commute is about 45 minutes from my house. It is a bit scary starting with someone new; someone who I don't know too well or trust for that matter. I have not told Dr. K that I am not going back to him and I have an appointment scheduled with him for tomorrow morning that I have yet to cancel. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I set my alarm so I could make the call early enough.

Another bonus is that my new therapist is willing to work with me scheduling-wise if I get a job.

Finally I should mention that I attended a NAMI meeting (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) last night. There was one at a hospital local to me that I did not know about. It was all family members of those with illness except for myself, but they gave me info about a peer to peer support group that meets on Sunday evenings. I will probably attend one of those peer to peer meetings with my boyfriend. It was kind of strange that about three of the mothers at the meeting had a son or daughter close to my age with schizophrenia and were talking about the challenges they have in their relationship with them. Not all of the sons/daughters still lived with their mom. These mothers actually seemed to care, much more than I feel my mother cares. Perhaps I am not 'giving her trouble' anymore, so that might be why.

My mother had a brother with schizophrenia that committed suicide when I was one year old. I feel an emotional/spiritual connection to him of some sort. Thinking about him makes me sad, and sometimes I cry, yet I wasn't old enough to have really known him. When my uncle drank the poison that killed him (a popular drain cleaner), he was hospitalized and pretty much was dying for 8 days. I found out that my aunt was on vacation, and upon finding this out, she did not come back to visit him. It astounds me. I have found pictures of him ( had to secretly search) and looking at them makes me sad. I wish I could have been there to know him, perhaps to have had some sort of connection with him. Maybe it reflects my wish of someone reaching out to me when I was suffering. I don't really know if anyone could have gotten through to him, but I am happy he got to meet me when I was a baby at the least. If I were to have had a child and it were a boy, I would have named him Steven, after my uncle.

Coincidence or not?

Yesterday I was taking a walk through the neighborhood, the same path as usual. I was listening to some music so a lot of the environment surrounding me was tuned out. There were two sightings along my walk in particular that grabbed my attention. The first was when I happened to look down at the sidewalk. I noticed a butterfly opening and closing it's wings right there along the walkway. The other was closer to the end of my walk, on my street actually. I noticed a black cat staring at me on someone's lawn. As I walked by it just stood there, staring. Both of these sightings I found rather interesting, particularly because I just started this blog not too many days ago. Not only does the title of my blog refer to butterflies, but also I have a daily picture and a link about black cats on it as well. I attribute these sightings to synchronicity.

Synchronicity, according to Merriam-Webster Online is as follows:

"synchronicity

Main Entry:

syn·chro·nic·i·ty

Pronunciation:

\ˌsiŋ-krə-ˈni-sə-tē, ˌsin-\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural syn·chro·nic·i·ties

Date:

circa 1889

1 : the quality or fact of being synchronous 2 : the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung"

It's been a while since I've studied psychology, so I had to refresh my memory on the concept. I shall include a link about Carl Jung's synchronicity in my relevant links section. There is much skepticism about synchronicity, as according to skepdic.com, they attribute it to the human mind's ability to find meaning and significance where there is none.

Certainly people suffering from schizophrenia/psychosis often find meanings in our everyday surroundings. Being hyper-vigilant is one of the symptoms I have had in the past. There is a website though that argues that synchronicity is not psychosis .

Whether or not you believe in synchronicity, is entirely your choice. Fact is though, that coincidences happen- whether synchronous or not. I do happen to know however that Synchronicity II is an awesome song by The Police. :)