Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.

Uncanny timing

I had an interview today for a State park about a half hour from my house. It was for the keyboard specialist position and was my second interview with them. It was a challenging interview, but I think it went well. Unfortunately there is only one opening and there are a lot of people going for the same job. I will hear by the end of the week.

Talk about timing, I heard from the internship this afternoon that I had been interested in. I have an interview for that on Wednesday. It would be really weird if I were to get offered the State park job and the internship. It would be a tough decision. Hopefully I will at least get one of them.

My boyfriend and I are starting a diet together. Today was day 1. I am going to try and eat differently and join the gym next month. There is a really cheap gym about 20 min away from me. This is a major step for me. I've struggled with weight issues since junior high, even though back then I was very thin. I gained some weight from Zyprexa which only made my issues worse. I've lost thirty pounds over the last year and if I could lose another thirty it would be great. I will take this one day at a time and see how it goes. No more Applebees nights out for a while and no more baking brownies with my sister. It won't be easy. I also have to avoid fast food and cook dinners for myself. Tonight I am having baked chicken with plain spinach and a sweet potato. I will have a bottle of water with it. Lately the only drinks I have are water and black tea.

I am going to take a nap. I wanted to before, but I pushed myself to take a walk outside since it is pretty nice out.

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe that it is 2009 and that this year I will turn 32. So far my 30's have been pretty good with no hospitalizations. I have to give credit to my medications. Seven years ago, I was reading a book titled Your Drug May be Your Problem - I think that was the exact title, but it's been a long time so I could be off. My drug was my problem back then. It was causing so many physical health problems that I took myself off of it. Zyprexa caused me to become pre-diabetic and the insulin resistance resulted in my ovaries developing cysts throwing my hormones all out of whack. I got a rash on the back of my neck which was a tell-tale indicator of insulin resistance. My family physician said the rash was something else and gave me a medication to apply to it but the rash remained. It wasn't until I went to an endocrinologist (I decided to go myself, no doctor told me to go to one) that I found out what was going on with me. I was off of Zyprexa for six months and slowly slid into true madness. My psychiatric nurse had no idea that was happening to me- I hid it from her. The only person that knew was Dr. K and he saw the worst of it. He diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. He said I had at least four distinct personalities. He says when they put me back on meds it went away. The hospital I ended up in didn't see that and diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was a mess, nonetheless.

Jeanne treats DID and says I do not have it. She says that I have some dissociative symptoms though. Isn't that lovely. Schizophrenia with depression and dissociative features. Nowadays I am on an "old-school" antipsychotic, that was in the 'family' of drugs that included Haldol. I no longer see the psychiatric nurse. I see a psychiatrist that my very first psychiatrist trained. She is from some other country and we have a language/communication barrier at times. No offense but I'd rather see an American psychiatrist, one that I could have better understanding with. For now, it seems that this is the only psychiatrist that takes my insurance local to my house. Medicaid- no one wants to take it. Medicare pays 50% of mental health fees. That would mean about $80 would be out-of-pocket, at least. Perhaps if I get a job, I could afford that. Until then I am pretty much stuck explaining what keyboarding means and why Americans want to do volunteer work.

I might be starting up some volunteer clerical work this month with an ALS organization. I have to go for a sort of interview, but they are going to contact me sometime within this month. I need to do something constructive with my time. I hardly ever hear from my best friend nowadays. My sister is in her own world. If I have something to do during the day, the evenings might not be so boring. It is time I took control.