Meds

So it's already February. Been listening to Staind's The Singles 1996-2006. I am getting lowered on one of my meds because the high dose is destroying my teeth (about a dozen cavities and one fractured tooth). I also have dry eye. Gotta love meds.

I have a meeting tomorrow at work. It's just to get my input on how I feel my internship placement is working out. I will get called into a conference room and will get a break from filing. I think the reason this meeting is happening is because one of the initial interviewer's saw me working when I was pretty sick and didn't look well (I had a bad cold coming on). She was concerned about me giving myself a break when I need it.

I've been having writer's block and that is why I haven't been on here too much lately.

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

Internship placement and knee pain

I just received a phone call from the University I attended, they said they were calling to see how I am doing, but what they were really calling for was a donation. When she asked if I was home, I said she's not home. When they asked when is a good time to call, I said in the morning. I won't be home tomorrow morning.

The internship placement is going well; I completed my first week last week. It is very easy
"busywork". Clerical is not that challenging for me, but the way the job market is, there are more jobs in clerical than in human services. I can take the State test again in December and hopefully by the time the internship is over, i can interview for that job again. This time I am not putting down my college education, because on my last interview they flat out said I was overqualified.

Lately my right knee has been troubling me. I have Chondromalacia patella. I have tilted knee caps, which are not uncommon in women, but I have cartilage damage of my right knee. Basically, my knee hurts when I am sitting and my knee is bent to a certain extent. The more it is bent, the more likely there will be pain after a while. I get some relief by crossing my legs, as that seems to stretch out the knee a little bit. I considered surgery once, but they told me if I can live with it, I should live with it. I am going to an orthopedist and will see if I can try physical therapy again.

Angry

So I've been a little bit angry lately. One thing that bothered me was that someone from my internship was kicked out (when I was out doing my interviews) because she was getting symptomatic. The people running the internship are not psychiatrists. I don't think it was right. We talked a few times, and I felt like she could have possibly been a friend. Now there is no chance of that.

My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.

Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.

I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.

Job Issues/Support

I had an upsetting phone conversation with my aunt this morning. It was about my internship. I am thinking of looking for a competitive job while I am at this internship. I finally found out some ideas about where the internship wants to place me. They were thinking of placing me somewhere with senior citizens doing arts and crafts. I just don't think that that will lead me in the path I want to go in. I've decided that I want to stick with clerical work. I am going to re-take the keyboard specialist exam in December. In the meantime, I want to work on my resume and go to the one-stop employment center and take classes on Microsoft Excel (it's been ten years since I've used it) and Access (which I've never used). My aunt doesn't think I should do this and she upset me because she was saying that this internship was my only chance in a roundabout way. I love my aunt very much, but like my relationship with my mom, I have to keep boundaries and be careful of what I discuss with her. I was in tears by the middle of the phone call and then I told her another call was coming in because she would not stop her 'lecture'. Sigh.

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean it is ok to bash someone's confidence into a million pieces. I am looking for support when I talk to my boyfriend, friends, and family. Sometimes my family is not my strongest support system. Speaking of support systems, my therapist Sally has been on vacation again. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks. I really could use therapy now, and I am hoping that when I do go back to her, it will be effective. The last two sessions I had with her ended early because they lacked direction and I didn't know what to say. I want to establish direction and purpose to my therapy; I'd like to work on some issues instead of just talking about daily life. I have plenty of issues to talk about, just have to wait until October 1st.

I am excited to purchase tickets to the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' movie on Sunday. I have to call my local movie theater and make sure they will have them there.

Car accident

It has been a long time since I last posted. Things are going well with my internship, I am getting to work on time without a problem. Waking up in the morning isn't really that big of a task- I used to have a lot more trouble getting up early. I had a car accident recently though- one that I feel completely stupid about. I hit a curb in the parking lot before going to work and I hit it with such force that my airbags deployed. My car is drive-able, but I just won't have airbags from now on. Accidents happen. It just makes me question going to my internship, all the wear and tear on my car. I also got a call from the cat shelter and they would like me to come in to help with socialization. It would be something to do if I didn't have the internship and I would have time to look for a more local job. I don't know. I just don't think it would be possible for me to be going to the internship three days a week, therapy another day, and then the cat shelter. All of those trips are about 45 min away from my house.

I am meeting with my job coach tomorrow (after my internship) and most likely will talk to her about this.

I found out that when my boyfriend and I get called for couples housing, we will most likely be able to have a two bedroom apartment. That is pretty good news.

My friend is looking for her own apartment now. She has poor credit; hopefully she will be able to find a place. I would be very upset if she moved to Florida with her mother.

A good first day and a bad dream...

My first day at the internship (on the job!) went well. I got there an hour early and sat in my car in the shade until a few minutes before I had to be there. People were fairly friendly there. The day treatment clients were even more friendly. I didn't even use a full quarter of a tank of gas there and back, which is pretty good considering I have a 6 cylinder engine. We were mainly filling out career inventory paperwork. One of the tasks was to write about three of your accomplishments (or overcome obstacles) and to discuss how you went about them and the outcome. That was probably the most difficult part of the day, aside from merging onto the busy highway.

Tonight I have to move my alarm clock across the room. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and I didn't even have to go to the internship today. I am going to bed early tonight and hopefully will have an easier time getting up tomorrow. Yesterday, I woke up before my alarm even went off.

I had a bad dream last night, well two of them, but I will mention the first one. It was another disturbing dream, like I am being haunted by my grandparents. This time in my dream, I saw my grandmother and told her how happy I was to see her and then she started crying. Then I told her I loved her 'so much.' It was a vision of her before her Alzheimer's took over her brain. Following my last words to her, I woke up. I think I might have had this dream because I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before her Alzheimer's and dementia stole her from me and my family. I am no expert dream analyst- it is just a thought. Even though I may no longer be crying on the outside, I am weeping from within.

A start of a new chapter...

Tomorrow I start my internship. I am just relaxing and getting ready tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow; I am going to leave myself about an hour extra for the commute. I don't know how the traffic is, so I want to be on the safe side. I am hoping this internship will open up some possibilities as well as give me the confidence to work again.

I found out my boyfriend might not be moving back home at the end of the month. He was going to leave the student rental house and go back about an hour away from me. It is not definite, but it is a nice thought that he might not be so far away. We had a nice weekend together, cooked a couple of different meals. I bought two cookbooks on sale at Borders the other night and there are lots of dishes that look/sound good in them.

We are still waiting for couples housing to call us.

Got it!

I received a phone call this afternoon from the internship that I applied and interviewed for many months ago. They told me that I was accepted. I start Monday August 10th. This is exciting and scary for me at the same time. There is a chance that I will have to drive people around after the training, and most likely it would be in areas I am not familiar with. My internship is in an area I am not familiar with at all. This scares me a bit.

I figure I could try the internship out, give it a chance. I will lose my foodstamps, but if I someday get a job opportunity from this, it would have been worth it.

I enjoyed my family vacation and my birthday as well. I can't believe I am 32 now.

Someday

So I am 99.9% sure that I didn't get the state park job. She said she'd make her decision by the end of last week and today is Monday. It sucks, but there is a lot of competition for jobs right now. I have a big gap on my resume which isn't helping. In fact, I am beginning to feel as though I am going to be interviewing for this job for a long time and might not get one. At least there's the internship, if I can get that. The internship will end up putting me in a worse situation financially and I will probably have to get gas money from my parents. It will be about a 30 mile drive each way to the internship training area. After that, I will probably be going somewhere else, which might be even further than that.

I hate asking my parents for money. I try to do it as little as possible. I haven't asked them for money in a while now. I want to be self-sufficient someday. That would be really nice. I want to be able to have an apartment with my boyfriend and a car to drive around in. Hopefully someday I will achieve those goals.

My diet is going OK. I don't have my own scale, so I am going to weigh myself at my parents house on a weekly basis. I exercised a lot last week and today I am taking a break from that. I've been pretty lethargic and somewhat irritable at times. I really hope I can be successful, that all of this will have a positive outcome. I am making chicken fajitas tonight, but will only have one in a carb control burrito wrap. I might make fat-free refried beans on the side. I will probably cook early, as I get hungry for dinner around 4:30-5:00. I think I might start now, since it will take a while to cook. Food is calling.

Awaiting the verdict

So today is day 3 of my diet, as I ended up eating horrifically unhealthy food (though it could have been worse) on Monday night when my sister came over. But that was it. No more. I went to bed hungry last night, and I woke up ready to eat, lol. I went for a walk/partial jog today. I was surprised with the amount of energy I had when I tried jogging. But I didn't really run for long. I figure from now on when I go for my walk, I will alternate between walking and jogging.

I had a tilapia fillet for dinner with parsley and lemon on it, no salt. I am trying to cut back on sodium where I can. I didn't finish my fish and I ended up throwing away my salad because the lettuce wasn't good anymore. So I had a few steamed carrots and some almonds. My "dessert" for the evening will be a generic fiber bar. I should really buy a high fiber cereal and eat it dry as I think it is less sugar than a fiber bar. But these little cutbacks don't all have to happen at once.

No word yet from the state park, I am assuming tomorrow will be the verdict. The internship interview went well, as far as I could tell. I probably won't hear about that until May as they have to do a lot of interviewing and will start the internship in June. The local university sent me a letter for a keyboarding job. They had contacted me a while back ago to see if I was interested and now they are looking for someone. I will definitely interview for that if I don't get the park keyboarding position.

That's about it. The weather is going to be really nice tomorrow and Saturday so I will be able to get out and exercise some more. I am going to take a trip to the park I interviewed at sometime next month probably. It is a really beautiful place to visit.

Uncanny timing

I had an interview today for a State park about a half hour from my house. It was for the keyboard specialist position and was my second interview with them. It was a challenging interview, but I think it went well. Unfortunately there is only one opening and there are a lot of people going for the same job. I will hear by the end of the week.

Talk about timing, I heard from the internship this afternoon that I had been interested in. I have an interview for that on Wednesday. It would be really weird if I were to get offered the State park job and the internship. It would be a tough decision. Hopefully I will at least get one of them.

My boyfriend and I are starting a diet together. Today was day 1. I am going to try and eat differently and join the gym next month. There is a really cheap gym about 20 min away from me. This is a major step for me. I've struggled with weight issues since junior high, even though back then I was very thin. I gained some weight from Zyprexa which only made my issues worse. I've lost thirty pounds over the last year and if I could lose another thirty it would be great. I will take this one day at a time and see how it goes. No more Applebees nights out for a while and no more baking brownies with my sister. It won't be easy. I also have to avoid fast food and cook dinners for myself. Tonight I am having baked chicken with plain spinach and a sweet potato. I will have a bottle of water with it. Lately the only drinks I have are water and black tea.

I am going to take a nap. I wanted to before, but I pushed myself to take a walk outside since it is pretty nice out.

Interview

So I have a job interview for next Tuesday. It's for the keyboard specialist position that I took the civil service test for. I am nervous. Today I am going to go shopping for a new blouse to wear on the interview. I really don't have much dress clothes- I haven't worked in years so I didn't need them. I do have a pair of dress pants that I purchased for my grandparents' wakes and funerals. I am going to wear them to the store so I will be able to see what shirts go with them. It's a good day to shop because this afternoon there will be a lot of sales at the store. I am going to use my dept. store credit card, as it is nearing the end of the month and I have very little money.

I had further correspondence regarding the homeless cat feeding, but I found out that I would have to buy the cat food myself. I cannot afford that, so I told them I couldn't help at this time.

I found out that the social services internship doesn't start until June! The guy told me he'd call me in a few weeks to come in for an interview. I guess if I don't get offered the keyboarding job, that's what I'll do.

More Than a Woman

So I went to the NAMI peer-to-peer support group last night and the turn-out was all male, except for myself. There was the leader, two guys, and myself. So I felt kind of like an outsider. I was the last to get to speak and when I did speak, I got interrupted. Both times I spoke, someone else took over my turn. I felt snubbed and almost ignored. The leader did not really structure our session and let one person do most of the talking. I was kinda hoping there'd be females there that I could be friends with. I could really use some more female friends in my life. When I said I had schizoaffective disorder, I mentioned that there are no groups around here for people with my diagnosis. There are mainly groups for people with mood disorders (e.g. bipolar) and for people with OCD. Except of course for the group last night, which is open to people of all diagnoses. I am going to give the group another chance though, maybe there will be different people the next time I go. That's what I am hoping anyway.

Valentine's Day was great. We celebrated it the day before by going out to dinner. We figured the restaurant would be less crowded the day before.

I am somewhat interested in the keyboarding job that I tested for, but my heart is really hoping for the social services internship that starts in the Spring. I am going to call the internship's agency and try to get an estimate of when exactly that might start. I have a degree in Psychology, I want to help people and use my degree. In college, I said to a friend that if I could help at least one person, make some sort of difference in their life, then I would feel like I served some sort of purpose. I have personal experience with mental illness and I know a lot about 'the system.' I almost became an assistant case manager last Spring, I turned it down though because of the high gas prices. It was kind of far from my house and it was all five days of the week. Had it been three days, I might have taken it because that would not have been as much commuting. I passed the two interviews for it with flying colors, and that gave me a bit of confidence since I hadn't interviewed in a long time and been considered for a position. I feel like I could run a NAMI group like the one I went to last night. Maybe someday I will be able to do something like that. It's good to have ambition, now I just have to get past my nerves. I haven't worked for more than a three month span in eight years, as I've been on disability and haven't really been trying to work. If I work part-time, I can most likely keep my disability. Anyway, I am hoping that the internship will get me back on my feet enough to do something that I would like.

Something

One of the most noticeable side effects of my medicine is it's flattening effect. Often it takes a lot of caffeine for me to be lively and talkative. Then I go to sleep (sometimes a bit late from being wired) and wake up back to flatness. A lot of the time I am 'stuck for words.' I have always been somewhat of a quiet person, but usually when I was around someone I felt comfortable with, I opened up. It is an unfortunate side effect, but the medicine works very well otherwise and there are not too many other medication options. So I shall drink my tea, and if I feel my stomach can handle it, I will have an occasional cup of coffee.

I am going into NYC on Monday. My boyfriend and I are going to see the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. Dr. K says he saw it and thought it was remarkable.

Upon coming back from NYC, I should look into that volunteer office I was interested in. They said they'd call me after the new year; I figured that they would have called by now. My real wish is to start the internship program that I heard about several months ago. I need to get the handicap bus pass, and either in March of May if I haven't gotten a job, I will try it out. I really need to get involved in something, as I have way too much time on my hands. It is too easy to get depressed and sleep all day. I slept several hours this afternoon and felt horrible upon waking up. I feel like I need to accomplish something- it doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just something.

Open up your eyes

So I re-read my last blog entry and I have realized that I was sort of blind. My father didn't turn out to be as supportive as I thought he would, unfortunately. He was really mean and cold to me the other day when I brought my car over to be checked out by his mechanic friend. I was told I needed a new car battery, so when my dad came home and found out, he asked me if I had the money to lay out for it. I honestly said yes, but I said it would leave me with like five dollars left for the month. He said I should call up and find out the exact price before I go get it to make sure my rent will still be able to come out of my account. His previous indications of helping me pay for my car went out the window. My boyfriend was with me when all of this happened, and he even said it seemed like my dad was being a jerk. I was greatly upset from my dad's change in level of support, so much so that I started crying in the car on the way home. I was really hurt and in pain. I felt like my dad turned on me and didn't really give a damn if I had enough money to get through the month. I have come to the conclusion that whenever I start to feel positively toward him, he disappoints me. This has happened not only with him, but also with my mother. I really can't count on either one of them, which makes me all the more determined to become financially secure.

I found out that if I am not doing anything job-wise by the spring, and if I ever get the handicapped bus pass, I will be able to do the internship for people with psychiatric disabilities. This would probably be a great opportunity for me. I am waiting to hear back from an old housemate of mine. She went through the internship and is working now.