Job Issues/Support

I had an upsetting phone conversation with my aunt this morning. It was about my internship. I am thinking of looking for a competitive job while I am at this internship. I finally found out some ideas about where the internship wants to place me. They were thinking of placing me somewhere with senior citizens doing arts and crafts. I just don't think that that will lead me in the path I want to go in. I've decided that I want to stick with clerical work. I am going to re-take the keyboard specialist exam in December. In the meantime, I want to work on my resume and go to the one-stop employment center and take classes on Microsoft Excel (it's been ten years since I've used it) and Access (which I've never used). My aunt doesn't think I should do this and she upset me because she was saying that this internship was my only chance in a roundabout way. I love my aunt very much, but like my relationship with my mom, I have to keep boundaries and be careful of what I discuss with her. I was in tears by the middle of the phone call and then I told her another call was coming in because she would not stop her 'lecture'. Sigh.

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean it is ok to bash someone's confidence into a million pieces. I am looking for support when I talk to my boyfriend, friends, and family. Sometimes my family is not my strongest support system. Speaking of support systems, my therapist Sally has been on vacation again. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks. I really could use therapy now, and I am hoping that when I do go back to her, it will be effective. The last two sessions I had with her ended early because they lacked direction and I didn't know what to say. I want to establish direction and purpose to my therapy; I'd like to work on some issues instead of just talking about daily life. I have plenty of issues to talk about, just have to wait until October 1st.

I am excited to purchase tickets to the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' movie on Sunday. I have to call my local movie theater and make sure they will have them there.

NYC bound

My parents treat me a whole lot better these days. My mother recently found a poem I wrote dedicated to her and she told me the reason she did not hang it up was because she felt like she didn't deserve it. She said she knows things were bad. This is the first acknowledgment I have gotten from her regarding our problematic past. I didn't continue the subject, because I think she genuinely feels bad and I didn't want to make her feel any worse. Despite everything that happened, I love her and would like to have a better mother/daughter relationship now that I am all grown up and out of their house.

I am going into NYC this week to visit my aunt. She is going to take me shopping for a birthday present, as my birthday is this month. I am going to get a manicure/pedicure and we are going to go out to dinner. After dinner, we are going to go on a cruise that will take us by the Statue of Liberty and will have live music. It should be fun. I am very grateful that my aunt invited me to visit.

"A Matter of Respect"

As I write this entry, I am listening to "Father Lucifer" by Tori Amos off of her Boys for Pele album.

Last night my mother had a jewelry party at her house and I decided to stay there overnight afterward. My parents both had to work during the day today, so that left me alone with my aunt who was visiting. It is not a good idea to be around my aunt when no one else is home. She becomes incredibly bossy, telling me exactly what to do and how I am not doing things up to par.

My aunt must get some sort of kick out of bossing me around, and the fact that I usually just let her do it. Reason being, if I tried to not do what she was telling me to do, she'd give me a really difficult time and there would be a big fight. It's not what she had me do today, it's the reaction I got following it. She is a perfectionist, and my completed work was not up to her standards. In fact, she had the actual nerve to accuse me of being disrespectful to my mother because I didn't do a good enough job. That is somewhere no one should go. She started lecturing me, repeating: "it's a matter of respect." At that point I thought to myself about what Jeanne would recommend to do in that situation, and so I took off. I left the house as quickly as possible. The sick thing is that before I showed any signs of intending to depart, she asked me what was wrong. I didn't respond because I knew it would just start a fight. The easiest and nicest thing she could have done at that point was to say: "I'm sorry if I upset you" and let everything go.

Luckily for me, my aunt was still in her nightgown and robe, so she could not chase me on my way out to my car. There's been a history of her chasing me. How f^&%'d up was my grandparents' household with my mom, aunt, and uncle growing up. My grandparents, though very very nice to me and my sister, had to have been different to my mom, aunt, and uncle. You know, my uncle Steven, whom I mentioned in my last entry, had undifferentiated schizophrenia and committed suicide. Well, I get the feeling that he was the most sane one of the three. My aunt and my mom are so complex and bizarre, and happen to fool most everyone but me, my sister, and my dad. I am the least fooled though, and so they scare me. My psychologist that I was seeing about nine years ago told me that he could not figure out what was wrong with my mom. My mom actually came to a session with me and my psychologist could not get through to her. Her attitude in the office was as if the whole thing were a joke, and she kept laughing nervously. He told me that if I ever figured out what the deal was, that I should call him immediately. I haven't called him.

After reading this blog entry, and some of my earlier ones, it might seem as though I have been disrespectful to my family. This blog is my venting outlet and they shall never find out about it. In person with them, I am mostly respectful. But when it comes to my therapy and/or my venting, I need to complain. After all, I am sure they have called me 'crazy' and 'psychotic' behind my back more than once. So I suppose we're even.

the holidays

So, I got through Christmas. I didn't think it would be that much of a challenge, but when it came to seeing my aunt, it was. My mother's sister is very loud, says you know after everything she says and waits for a response to that, and tries to get me involved in everything she does. I tried to avoid the you know questions and getting involved in what she was doing, but it took me pretending to sleep in my parents' room with the lights out to be free. That was actually my mom's suggestion- she saw that my aunt was getting on my nerves. My mom can have some smart ideas once in a while. I am grateful that my mother raised me and not my aunt. If my aunt raised me, I'd have OCD and I'd be a nervous wreck most of the time. I'd probably have my schizoaffective disorder as well. Not that I don't have anxiety from my mom having raised me. And I do have some perfectionism issues. I hate to say it, but it was a good thing my aunt did not have kids.

Over the weekend, I made the mistake of seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I am not going to spoil it for anyone, but I must warn anyone that is going to see it that it is very depressing. In fact it was the most depressing movie I have seen in my entire life. Movies I have found to be depressing/sad in the past include E.T., the Titanic, Forrest Gump, and Girl Interrupted. I am sure there are more that I am not remembering. The latter two had me crying. I saw Titanic in day program so I don't think I fully got into it enough to cry. Girl Interrupted hit me on a personal level, perhaps those without mental illness would not find it as sad as I did.

New Year's should be fun. I am going to drive to Montauk lighthouse with my boyfriend very early in the morning but the purpose it to get to watch the first sunrise of the year from an excellent location. I have to check the weather to make sure my boyfriend and I can see the sunrise and it's not too cloudy. My housemates are going to be gone, which is another cool thing. It is a rare occurrence that I have the house to myself.

I have a lot of laundry to do. I was sick right before Christmas and did not do any. I got some clothes for Christmas that held me over...but it is time.