Past Issues and Current Success

Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.

My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.

Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

More Than a Woman

So I went to the NAMI peer-to-peer support group last night and the turn-out was all male, except for myself. There was the leader, two guys, and myself. So I felt kind of like an outsider. I was the last to get to speak and when I did speak, I got interrupted. Both times I spoke, someone else took over my turn. I felt snubbed and almost ignored. The leader did not really structure our session and let one person do most of the talking. I was kinda hoping there'd be females there that I could be friends with. I could really use some more female friends in my life. When I said I had schizoaffective disorder, I mentioned that there are no groups around here for people with my diagnosis. There are mainly groups for people with mood disorders (e.g. bipolar) and for people with OCD. Except of course for the group last night, which is open to people of all diagnoses. I am going to give the group another chance though, maybe there will be different people the next time I go. That's what I am hoping anyway.

Valentine's Day was great. We celebrated it the day before by going out to dinner. We figured the restaurant would be less crowded the day before.

I am somewhat interested in the keyboarding job that I tested for, but my heart is really hoping for the social services internship that starts in the Spring. I am going to call the internship's agency and try to get an estimate of when exactly that might start. I have a degree in Psychology, I want to help people and use my degree. In college, I said to a friend that if I could help at least one person, make some sort of difference in their life, then I would feel like I served some sort of purpose. I have personal experience with mental illness and I know a lot about 'the system.' I almost became an assistant case manager last Spring, I turned it down though because of the high gas prices. It was kind of far from my house and it was all five days of the week. Had it been three days, I might have taken it because that would not have been as much commuting. I passed the two interviews for it with flying colors, and that gave me a bit of confidence since I hadn't interviewed in a long time and been considered for a position. I feel like I could run a NAMI group like the one I went to last night. Maybe someday I will be able to do something like that. It's good to have ambition, now I just have to get past my nerves. I haven't worked for more than a three month span in eight years, as I've been on disability and haven't really been trying to work. If I work part-time, I can most likely keep my disability. Anyway, I am hoping that the internship will get me back on my feet enough to do something that I would like.