It's going to be difficult finding a new doctor. Not many doctors want to deal with Medicaid. I had to call my current psychiatrist yesterday because I've been having trouble sleeping. I didn't get to go into the office, but the nurse practitioner prescribed Dalmane (flurazepam). It's one of the benzodiazepines; it's a controlled substance. I have no history of abusing any drugs so they didn't hesitate to prescribe it for me. I am supposed to take one or two 15 mg pills at bedtime. I took one last night, and although I slept better than I have been, I still had a vivid dream and woke up once around 6 and then finally at 8. I was hoping I'd sleep until 10 am. I feel like I could use more sleep than I've been getting.
I didn't take the keyboard specialist exam last Saturday because of my mental status. I just wasn't up to it and I felt resting would be a wiser option.
I am kind of kicking myself over the Dalmane, because I think I might have been better off with Klonopin. I don't think the Dalmane is intended to use during the day and I am still having terrible anxiety, despite having taken 1 mg last night. Perhaps I should take the full two, but then my supply would only last about two weeks and I don't have another appointment until January 8th. :( On top of that, I had to lay out $11.00 for the medicine as my insurance doesn't cover it. That's not all that bad, but I still have to buy presents.
I went shopping with my sister last night for my parent's Christmas presents. I am glad we got that over with. Afterwards we went to Friendly's restaurant and got ice cream sundaes. I haven't told her about my PTSD; I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her while she is still living at my parents' house.
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Past Issues and Current Success
Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.
My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.
Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.
My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.
Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Angry
So I've been a little bit angry lately. One thing that bothered me was that someone from my internship was kicked out (when I was out doing my interviews) because she was getting symptomatic. The people running the internship are not psychiatrists. I don't think it was right. We talked a few times, and I felt like she could have possibly been a friend. Now there is no chance of that.
My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.
Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.
I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.
My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.
Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.
I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.
Friday, May 15, 2009
What to say
I have not heard anything from the cat shelter I applied to volunteer at. I called yesterday and the secretary told me that my application was forwarded to the person in charge of volunteers and that was all the information she could give me.
Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.
Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.
Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.
Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Overprotective
I am seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday, April Fool's Day. I don't really celebrate April Fool's, so do not expect to find an entry from myself that is totally bogus. I don't like to trick people. I haven't been writing entries very often lately, so I might not write one that day. Who knows. She is going to ask the same question, which is basically, "Tell me how you've been?". Good thing I only see her once every two or three months, because usually I don't have much to say to her. Truth is, I've been doing very good, probably for the past ten appointments. I am still looking for a job, now I am waiting to hear from a state park for an interview. If she asks me what job it is, I will tell her it is data entry. She doesn't understand the English word keyboard- as in keyboard specialist. I don't remember what country she is from, but there is a definite language barrier.
The only real part of my life that is currently bugging me is my living situation. I must say though that if I can survive this house for three years, I can survive it for another if necessary. My one housemate has been working on quitting smoking, she hasn't had a cigarette in six days. One less smoker will definitely be nice. Smoking is going to be banned in my house in June, but I think my other housemate will break the rule during the few days of the month that she lives here. I spend the majority of my time at this house in my room: on the computer or listening to music mainly. I don't watch much TV, though I do watch the weather kind of regularly.
Now, to get to the subject of this post... my mother is very overprotective of my two cats, Spooky and Katrina, that live with her. My parents are going to Maine for a couple of days and are leaving the house to be watched by my sister. Apparently, that is not good enough for them. They want me and my boyfriend to "stop by" the house twice, one time being during the day while my sister is at work, to keep the cats company. It is not all so bad that they want me to do that, but that week is my boyfriend's Spring Break and also our one year anniversary. It is much better than neglecting my cats, but I think they will be OK with my sister. My sister is 26 years old now, she took care of a cat at her ex-boyfriend's apartment so I am sure she can take care of Spooky and Katrina. I definitely will stop by at least once to ease my parents mind.
As I mentioned, my one year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. We are going to go into NYC to a fairly fancy Italian restaurant. It will be a romantic way to celebrate our year together. Hopefully we will get good weather for that day/night.
The only real part of my life that is currently bugging me is my living situation. I must say though that if I can survive this house for three years, I can survive it for another if necessary. My one housemate has been working on quitting smoking, she hasn't had a cigarette in six days. One less smoker will definitely be nice. Smoking is going to be banned in my house in June, but I think my other housemate will break the rule during the few days of the month that she lives here. I spend the majority of my time at this house in my room: on the computer or listening to music mainly. I don't watch much TV, though I do watch the weather kind of regularly.
Now, to get to the subject of this post... my mother is very overprotective of my two cats, Spooky and Katrina, that live with her. My parents are going to Maine for a couple of days and are leaving the house to be watched by my sister. Apparently, that is not good enough for them. They want me and my boyfriend to "stop by" the house twice, one time being during the day while my sister is at work, to keep the cats company. It is not all so bad that they want me to do that, but that week is my boyfriend's Spring Break and also our one year anniversary. It is much better than neglecting my cats, but I think they will be OK with my sister. My sister is 26 years old now, she took care of a cat at her ex-boyfriend's apartment so I am sure she can take care of Spooky and Katrina. I definitely will stop by at least once to ease my parents mind.
As I mentioned, my one year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. We are going to go into NYC to a fairly fancy Italian restaurant. It will be a romantic way to celebrate our year together. Hopefully we will get good weather for that day/night.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Caffeine, anyone?
I've been feeling pretty crappy, so I decided to have some caffeine. Unfortunately, I had a bit too much. Starbucks is dangerous!! I had a grande coffee and then a tall coffee. I suppose I could have had stronger drinks then that, but believe me, I am suffering the consequences. It is because of my caffeine intake that I am writing this blog right now.
Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.
I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.
I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.
My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.
Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.
I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.
I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.
My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Burden in her hand...
So I visited my mother this weekend. I kick myself for going there, after almost every visit. The reason I go as frequently as I do is because I just want to get out of my house and away from my housemates. I also don't have to worry about what I am going to eat when I am at my parents' house. And not to forget, I like to visit my two cats. I just get so frustrated at their house, especially on the day I am supposed to go home. My mother has a unique way of making me feel like absolute crap. When she got home from work today (today was the day for me to go home), she wanted me to immediately move my car so I would not 'get in the way' of their car lineup this afternoon- since I'd be leaving soon. So I decided to not move my car then, but to immediately pack up my stuff and leave. That I believe is what she wanted. She didn't want me to hang around until dinnertime because then there would be the burden of having to include me in the dinner plans. That's right, I am a burden.
Besides that, my sister is home yet she does not say one word to me. She is too busy getting ready to go out, like she does every single night. Except she's hanging out with her boyfriend, or her friend, but never me. We used to be really good friends. I don't particularly care for this boyfriend, but I am biased. It's that she spends every single day of the week with him, so I never get to see her anymore. She might as well be living with him, but she's not. At least when she was seeing her last boyfriend, I got to see her sometimes on the weekend.
I might as well just go to sleep now. Everyone is busy, I have no money to spend really, and the price of gas has jumped by about 40 cents per gallon so I should conserve my driving trips. Overall suckiness. Tomorrow will be better, so at least I can look forward to tomorrow. For now, I shall sleep.
Besides that, my sister is home yet she does not say one word to me. She is too busy getting ready to go out, like she does every single night. Except she's hanging out with her boyfriend, or her friend, but never me. We used to be really good friends. I don't particularly care for this boyfriend, but I am biased. It's that she spends every single day of the week with him, so I never get to see her anymore. She might as well be living with him, but she's not. At least when she was seeing her last boyfriend, I got to see her sometimes on the weekend.
I might as well just go to sleep now. Everyone is busy, I have no money to spend really, and the price of gas has jumped by about 40 cents per gallon so I should conserve my driving trips. Overall suckiness. Tomorrow will be better, so at least I can look forward to tomorrow. For now, I shall sleep.
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