Rough night/morning

I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.

A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.

I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.

Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.

Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.

My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.

I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.

I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.

Caffeine, anyone?

I've been feeling pretty crappy, so I decided to have some caffeine. Unfortunately, I had a bit too much. Starbucks is dangerous!! I had a grande coffee and then a tall coffee. I suppose I could have had stronger drinks then that, but believe me, I am suffering the consequences. It is because of my caffeine intake that I am writing this blog right now.

Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.

I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.

I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.

My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.