Rough night/morning

I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.

A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.

I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.

Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.

Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.

My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.

I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.

I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.

Lucky

My room is clean- at last. My boyfriend helped me out with it and it took a couple of hours. It is almost complete- I have to better organize my clothes now that they are all clean and out of the hamper, I don't have enough room in my dresser and closet for all of it. I made a donation pile when I was taking out my fall/winter clothes, but I guess I am going to have to donate even more. It astonishes me that someone as poor as myself could have so much clothing. The reason is because I never get rid of anything and it accumulates over the years and each year my case manager takes me for new clothes. I feel guilty for letting go some of my stuff, but I shouldn't because I will be helping someone else out.

I got rid of some of my clothes also because I did lose about 25 pounds since March. I didn't really jump down too many sizes though. That is ok with me, I am happy to have lost the 25 pounds and if I lose more, so be it. Right now I am drinking a Dr. Pepper slurpee from 7-Eleven and listening to Tori Amos. I could be out walking, but I did walk earlier in the day and I am not going to push myself to do anymore. Tomorrow is another day.

Three years ago, I was in the psych ward at this time. It was the last hospitalization I've had. I was at the University Medical Center and they held me in the psych ER for way too long...like four or five days. There is terrible supervision in the ER, you'd think it would be better because that is where they are supposed to evaluate you for admission. Back in 2003, a girl in the ER punched me in the face. No one seemed to see it and when I said something no one gave a damn. She should have been in restraints after that.

The big thing with mental illness is that if you are a danger to others or a danger to yourself you will be held with or without your consent. I was in restraints for several times during my stay in the ER. I was a bit upset how they violently strapped down one of my arms and broke my bracelet in the process. Being in restraints can be a good thing, at least it was for me because it was an escape from all the other potential admissions that were running around. I also got the magic shot that wiped away every last ounce of anxiety from my body. Time seemed to slow down and I became intrigued and entertained by the patterns on the ceiling. When someone would sit in the isolation room with me, I wouldn't end up falling asleep because I'd be a bit nervous with the company. It is very hard to trust anybody, white coat or not, when I am paranoid. When I was finally admitted to the upstairs, I was given a roommate that I ended up keeping in touch with after that stay. She introduced herself to me and we had a lot in common; she also had trouble with trusting the people around us. I was actually able to find an ounce of trust though when it came to my roommate. I was lucky.