Kittens!

This morning was a rough one, I had some trouble waking up at 7:30. I was supposed to get up at 7, but then I tried for 7:30 and finally I woke up at 7:45. I wanted to have left my house by 7:45. I didn't get out the door until 8:05 am. I went to go volunteer at the cat shelter and they like to start work at around 8:30. I didn't get there until 9. Hopefully next week I will be able to get up earlier so I can get there on time.

I was assigned the 'kitten room.' Boy was I lucky. The kittens are so adorable; this one kitten I liked, Amanda, was all black with the most beautiful green eyes. She was born March 25th. There was a sign on the door with their names and when they were born. It is a lot of work to volunteer at this cat shelter, there is really a lot into the cleaning system there. Different litter, different food, each room has its own mop and broom assigned specifically for that room. I guess the most difficult task was the mopping of the floor, as they want you to dry the floor with a towel as you mop it so the kittens don't get too much into the cleaning fluid. Amanda was very vocal and demanded attention. She also tried to run out of the room several times, and succeeded twice. I have a feeling she might be adopted by the time I get back there next week. I held her up to my shoulder for a while, she really liked to be held. I wish I could adopt her!

So that was my excitement for the day today. My mood has been better lately with much less anxiety. My housemates are not talking to one another, apparently a huge fight went down when I was away this past weekend. My house counselor called a meeting today to try and resolve things between the two of them. It became clear that things will probably be different from now on.

To me it did

Tonight I went to a NAMI peer-to-peer meeting and shared some of my story of what happened to my life when I got sick. The emotions I felt while I was sharing were pretty strong. Honestly for the past ten years I've been trying so hard to live a "semi-normal" life. It is frustrating to keep making attempts to find a job or volunteer and not succeed at it. I went to the cat shelter yesterday and was overwhelmed with all the tasks they want me to do. There are about thirty cats roaming around three rooms. I think I am going to call back the lady and ask her if I can do the socialization day instead. Right now I am dealing with some anxiety and trying to get back on track. I do want to have something productive to do, so I am going to see if I can still volunteer.

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, meaning, I am not comfortable living my life. I am afraid that I will be a failure to my family and to myself. I wish my dad could tell my grandmother that I got a job, or something else that would make her proud. My late grandfather was happy that I was such a good granddaughter, but I was able to help him out a lot. My one remaining grandmother is in Arizona and I cannot help her. My cousin, the shining star of the family, just passed the bar and is a lawyer now. She was the first grandchild to get married too. My grandparents on my mom's side were like parents to me. I feel bad that my mom's parents didn't even get to meet my current boyfriend. My grandfather would be happy that I am no longer with my ex. One of the last conversations my grandfather and I had was if I was seeing my ex a lot at the time. I told him "just once in a while." He said "good."

All I ever wanted was to make my family proud of me. I guess it shouldn't matter. But to me it did.

What to say

I have not heard anything from the cat shelter I applied to volunteer at. I called yesterday and the secretary told me that my application was forwarded to the person in charge of volunteers and that was all the information she could give me.

Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.

Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.

Some Progress

Today I made some progress in my quest for finding something to do with my time. I went to the all-cat shelter that I had found and filled out a volunteer application. The lady showed me around and the cats are not in cages. They are in a couple of rooms with access to a screened outside area. I saw a beautiful tabby like my Katrina and a beautiful black cat like Spooky, but not as big as Spooky. Spooky is overweight, she eats almost all the food and that's why Katrina remains so tiny. Hopefully I will hear something within the next week or so about starting to volunteer there. It is pretty much right down the road from my therapist Sally, so I put down Thursdays as one of the days I'd like to volunteer.

I am pleased to see that there is a new antipsychotic approved by the FDA. I just read the article that is from my schizophrenia news link. I am not going to risk getting sick again by trying a new drug which might not work. I also read that the new med causes a slight weight gain, which I'd like to avoid. But, if my current drug ever fails me, I know now that there is something new to try.

I was feeling kind of depressed today at my therapy appointment. I spoke a little about why it could be, but I think it is a combination of things. The weather certainly is not helping. It is raining, again.

My sister and her new boyfriend wants to have dinner with me and my boyfriend. I have to speak with her about what she has told her boyfriend, if anything, about me and my boyfriend. Hopefully she has filled him in that we are on disability, or at least that I am. I don't really want there to be an awkwardness at the dinner table if he asks what I do.

I have a number of errands to do tomorrow. At least they will keep me busy. I just got home about fifty minutes ago and I already am tempted to take a nap. I won't let myself do it.

Lift me up

Today I had a successful therapy session. Sally is a good therapist so far; she is very analytical. I was nervous going there today because I wasn't sure I had much to talk about. She asked lots of questions so the session went by smoothly.

I've inquired in a volunteer job that involves feeding homeless cats. It's funny how I sent my e-mail of interest in the volunteer position and then today in the mail I got a letter from the State. The keyboard specialist job that I took the test for has a full-time assignment relatively local to my house. I have to fill out an employment history form and mail it back.

I have to remind myself that I have a nine month trial work period. I can work for a full-time salary for nine months before my benefits will be affected.

I am hanging out with my best friend tonight. I am happy she is able to hang out. I am feeling much better since the other day.

Something

One of the most noticeable side effects of my medicine is it's flattening effect. Often it takes a lot of caffeine for me to be lively and talkative. Then I go to sleep (sometimes a bit late from being wired) and wake up back to flatness. A lot of the time I am 'stuck for words.' I have always been somewhat of a quiet person, but usually when I was around someone I felt comfortable with, I opened up. It is an unfortunate side effect, but the medicine works very well otherwise and there are not too many other medication options. So I shall drink my tea, and if I feel my stomach can handle it, I will have an occasional cup of coffee.

I am going into NYC on Monday. My boyfriend and I are going to see the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. Dr. K says he saw it and thought it was remarkable.

Upon coming back from NYC, I should look into that volunteer office I was interested in. They said they'd call me after the new year; I figured that they would have called by now. My real wish is to start the internship program that I heard about several months ago. I need to get the handicap bus pass, and either in March of May if I haven't gotten a job, I will try it out. I really need to get involved in something, as I have way too much time on my hands. It is too easy to get depressed and sleep all day. I slept several hours this afternoon and felt horrible upon waking up. I feel like I need to accomplish something- it doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just something.

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe that it is 2009 and that this year I will turn 32. So far my 30's have been pretty good with no hospitalizations. I have to give credit to my medications. Seven years ago, I was reading a book titled Your Drug May be Your Problem - I think that was the exact title, but it's been a long time so I could be off. My drug was my problem back then. It was causing so many physical health problems that I took myself off of it. Zyprexa caused me to become pre-diabetic and the insulin resistance resulted in my ovaries developing cysts throwing my hormones all out of whack. I got a rash on the back of my neck which was a tell-tale indicator of insulin resistance. My family physician said the rash was something else and gave me a medication to apply to it but the rash remained. It wasn't until I went to an endocrinologist (I decided to go myself, no doctor told me to go to one) that I found out what was going on with me. I was off of Zyprexa for six months and slowly slid into true madness. My psychiatric nurse had no idea that was happening to me- I hid it from her. The only person that knew was Dr. K and he saw the worst of it. He diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. He said I had at least four distinct personalities. He says when they put me back on meds it went away. The hospital I ended up in didn't see that and diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was a mess, nonetheless.

Jeanne treats DID and says I do not have it. She says that I have some dissociative symptoms though. Isn't that lovely. Schizophrenia with depression and dissociative features. Nowadays I am on an "old-school" antipsychotic, that was in the 'family' of drugs that included Haldol. I no longer see the psychiatric nurse. I see a psychiatrist that my very first psychiatrist trained. She is from some other country and we have a language/communication barrier at times. No offense but I'd rather see an American psychiatrist, one that I could have better understanding with. For now, it seems that this is the only psychiatrist that takes my insurance local to my house. Medicaid- no one wants to take it. Medicare pays 50% of mental health fees. That would mean about $80 would be out-of-pocket, at least. Perhaps if I get a job, I could afford that. Until then I am pretty much stuck explaining what keyboarding means and why Americans want to do volunteer work.

I might be starting up some volunteer clerical work this month with an ALS organization. I have to go for a sort of interview, but they are going to contact me sometime within this month. I need to do something constructive with my time. I hardly ever hear from my best friend nowadays. My sister is in her own world. If I have something to do during the day, the evenings might not be so boring. It is time I took control.

All that keeps running through my head

I pulled an all-nighter last night. I think it's because I had a 24 oz coffee from 7-Eleven. It wasn't decaf. So I've been sleeping on and off throughout the day today. Everyone I know is working or at parties so I don't mind having slept most of the afternoon. My boyfriend brought to my attention that I could volunteer on the weekends, instead of being bored all the time. My initial reaction was that I felt he was telling me what to do. I've thought about it though and I realize he was just trying to help me out, like he always does. I wish I could look at the volunteer book from the hospital online, instead of having to drag myself there and sit in a tiny room thumbing through a huge book trying to pick out an assignment. I think I remember though that most of the assignments were M-F. I might still eventually go there to see if I could find something for the weekend.

All that keeps running through my head lately is that my therapist Jeanne is now on vacation for three weeks. I still have Dr. K., but it's different. If Dr. K. went on vacation it would not affect me as much. Most of my deep issues are worked on with Jeanne. Dr.K. and I once had our own small tea party. It's like that.

A friend of mine insists that psychotherapy is not the answer. According to him cognitive therapy is the way to go. He argues that in psychotherapy, the patient is constantly venting. Getting things out, and talking about problems, but where does that end? He said it just tends to go on and on, not solving anything. You could talk until your face was blue and you would be at the same position you were at before you even met your psychotherapist. I don't know if I 100% agree. I can see where he is coming from though. It does seem that the need to vent never ends.

"Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me"

The above lyrics are from 'Talk' by Coldplay off of their X&Y album.