To me it did

Tonight I went to a NAMI peer-to-peer meeting and shared some of my story of what happened to my life when I got sick. The emotions I felt while I was sharing were pretty strong. Honestly for the past ten years I've been trying so hard to live a "semi-normal" life. It is frustrating to keep making attempts to find a job or volunteer and not succeed at it. I went to the cat shelter yesterday and was overwhelmed with all the tasks they want me to do. There are about thirty cats roaming around three rooms. I think I am going to call back the lady and ask her if I can do the socialization day instead. Right now I am dealing with some anxiety and trying to get back on track. I do want to have something productive to do, so I am going to see if I can still volunteer.

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, meaning, I am not comfortable living my life. I am afraid that I will be a failure to my family and to myself. I wish my dad could tell my grandmother that I got a job, or something else that would make her proud. My late grandfather was happy that I was such a good granddaughter, but I was able to help him out a lot. My one remaining grandmother is in Arizona and I cannot help her. My cousin, the shining star of the family, just passed the bar and is a lawyer now. She was the first grandchild to get married too. My grandparents on my mom's side were like parents to me. I feel bad that my mom's parents didn't even get to meet my current boyfriend. My grandfather would be happy that I am no longer with my ex. One of the last conversations my grandfather and I had was if I was seeing my ex a lot at the time. I told him "just once in a while." He said "good."

All I ever wanted was to make my family proud of me. I guess it shouldn't matter. But to me it did.