Two interviews in one day...

I got the Michael Jackson tickets! My boyfriend, sister, and I are going during the last week of the month.

I had two job interviews today for the NYS Keyboard Specialist position. I told the internship that I had a doctor's appointment. I was nervous; I kept waking up last night and was thinking about what I would say on my interviews. The first interview at campus residences went relatively well, from what I could tell. I felt that I gave good answers. The second interview, which was at the dental school, didn't go as well, as the lady in charge told me that I was overqualified because of my college degree. After she said that I knew the interview was pretty much shot. There were a lot of applicants for both jobs which sucks. At least I am getting practice interviewing.

So the internship is going okay but they haven't found a placement for me yet. I told them that I wanted something clerical and close to home. They were thinking about placing me somewhere relatively far from home. I might end up having to go there if they can't find something else. Most people have their placements already, and me not going in today is probably not speeding up my placement. Oh well, the interviews were important. If I could land a job with the State and make it through the probation period, I'd be set.

My grandmother (dad's mom) came back to NY from the place in Oregon she was staying at, her permanent home is in AZ. I hope I get to see her a couple of times during her visit.

A good first day and a bad dream...

My first day at the internship (on the job!) went well. I got there an hour early and sat in my car in the shade until a few minutes before I had to be there. People were fairly friendly there. The day treatment clients were even more friendly. I didn't even use a full quarter of a tank of gas there and back, which is pretty good considering I have a 6 cylinder engine. We were mainly filling out career inventory paperwork. One of the tasks was to write about three of your accomplishments (or overcome obstacles) and to discuss how you went about them and the outcome. That was probably the most difficult part of the day, aside from merging onto the busy highway.

Tonight I have to move my alarm clock across the room. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and I didn't even have to go to the internship today. I am going to bed early tonight and hopefully will have an easier time getting up tomorrow. Yesterday, I woke up before my alarm even went off.

I had a bad dream last night, well two of them, but I will mention the first one. It was another disturbing dream, like I am being haunted by my grandparents. This time in my dream, I saw my grandmother and told her how happy I was to see her and then she started crying. Then I told her I loved her 'so much.' It was a vision of her before her Alzheimer's took over her brain. Following my last words to her, I woke up. I think I might have had this dream because I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before her Alzheimer's and dementia stole her from me and my family. I am no expert dream analyst- it is just a thought. Even though I may no longer be crying on the outside, I am weeping from within.

Painful dreams and a disappointing phone call

This morning I had a dream about my late grandfather. I don't really remember details, but I was visiting him and the dream was so convincing that I felt he was still alive. In a sense, it was haunting. A few weeks ago I had a 'haunting' dream about my late grandmother, in which she said "I love you" to me. Both dreams upset me greatly. I miss them terribly and really wish they didn't have to go so soon. My grandmother died at 77 and my grandfather died at 79. Cancer took them both.

At about 8:45 this morning, my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID and it said 'state parks'. For a split second I thought that maybe the person they hired for the keyboard specialist position didn't work out so they were calling me to hire me. But they weren't. The woman who interviewed me was calling to tell me they didn't select me for the position.

The following lyrics are from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring:

"Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
and if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away"

Last Breath

My friend is recovering from recent surgery, and that means that she has not been able to work seven days a week as usual. She has repeatedly stated that she is 'so bored.' If she thinks a week of not working is boring, how would she handle eight years? I have been out of work for quite some time. Luckily, I have been able to postpone my student loan payments. Soon I will not be able to do that anymore.

I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.

The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.