Letting go...

I called my therapist this morning and she answered. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning at 10. She is about 45 minutes away from me, and there will probably be traffic because I pass the State office building on the way. I am going to wake up very early and consume some caffeine so I will be able to get something out of my session.

I went for two walks today for about 35 minutes each. Walking seems to help my mood quite a bit. I am going to try the treadmill when I join the gym. I don't know if I will like it as much as I do at the walking park.

I had a dream last night that involved me vomiting, I am not sure if it was blood but I remember it being very red. I looked up what vomiting in a dream meant. It said something about needing to confront and let go of certain concepts or emotions. The dream involved my mother and the toxic effects she has had on me during my childhood. So I take it that I should confront my emotions about her and the past and try to let go of them. I think I have done some confronting but not so much letting go. Perhaps the blood symbolized toxins that are hurting me to this day. I find dreams very interesting. I often have dreams in which I dial 911. They are scary, usually involving someone trying to break in my childhood home. I wake up right after I dial 911.

Lately my mother has been very friendly towards me. I cannot let myself get fooled. I have been fooled before and hurt very badly. I have to protect myself from getting close to her because sooner or later she will do or say something that will hurt me again. My last therapist, Jeanne, warned me. She told me to imagine an invisible shield around me when I am with my parents. It is a shame because despite how much they've hurt me I still love them and still seek their love/approval.

Speaking of vulnerability, I am a bit nervous about opening up to my therapist. I've only been seeing her for a few months. I am afraid of getting dependent on her and then having that be taken away from me. Like my last therapist, who dropped her practice near me. I guess it's the old fear of abandonment issue that consistently makes it's appearance in my life. I have to work on that, but I don't know what can be done for it. I've had this issue for practically my entire life. I just don't see it going away anytime soon. As much as I can have fun going out with my friend or boyfriend or sister, I come home alone and my issues resurface. I do not want to 'forget' that I need to work on this stuff. I have appeared happy throughout my life when inside I was hurting badly. I am not hurting as badly as when I was 13/14, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurting now. It's just not as severe (romanticized suicidal ideation). When I was that age I had visions in my head of hanging myself on the tree in my backyard. I don't have those anymore, thankfully.

Well, I think I've written enough for the evening. Night.

Painful dreams and a disappointing phone call

This morning I had a dream about my late grandfather. I don't really remember details, but I was visiting him and the dream was so convincing that I felt he was still alive. In a sense, it was haunting. A few weeks ago I had a 'haunting' dream about my late grandmother, in which she said "I love you" to me. Both dreams upset me greatly. I miss them terribly and really wish they didn't have to go so soon. My grandmother died at 77 and my grandfather died at 79. Cancer took them both.

At about 8:45 this morning, my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID and it said 'state parks'. For a split second I thought that maybe the person they hired for the keyboard specialist position didn't work out so they were calling me to hire me. But they weren't. The woman who interviewed me was calling to tell me they didn't select me for the position.

The following lyrics are from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring:

"Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
and if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away"

"Where am I?"

Yesterday I got what seemed to be a mass mailing from someone involved in the volunteer program I was trying to get involved in. It had something to do with some party they are going to have. I was wondering why I got this email, because after I filed my volunteer application, no one ever got back to me. So, why would I be getting an email about a party?

Then late last night another email from the same person appeared in my inbox. It was a much shorter email and it was stating that they need help Thursday and Monday and asked if I had the time to help clean and feed the cats. My name wasn't in the email at all, so it could have been another mass mailing. I don't know what the deal is, why no one ever got back to me and now all of a sudden I am hearing from someone that I don't even know and has never introduced himself. I guess somehow I got on their mailing list.

I have this recurring dream in which I am at the train station but I am at the wrong one. It's always an issue how I am going to get home. Last night I had this dream, and it lasted for what seemed to be a long time while ending at the part where I am at the train station. I was a psychology major, but I am not sure what to make of this dream. Perhaps it is as simple as the concept that I feel lost. The other day I started to write a poem about how I feel lost. It goes as follows:

something is dying
inside.

how can I be myself
when I don’t know who that person is?
somewhere along the way
over the years
I got lost.