This morning I had a dream about my late grandfather. I don't really remember details, but I was visiting him and the dream was so convincing that I felt he was still alive. In a sense, it was haunting. A few weeks ago I had a 'haunting' dream about my late grandmother, in which she said "I love you" to me. Both dreams upset me greatly. I miss them terribly and really wish they didn't have to go so soon. My grandmother died at 77 and my grandfather died at 79. Cancer took them both.
At about 8:45 this morning, my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID and it said 'state parks'. For a split second I thought that maybe the person they hired for the keyboard specialist position didn't work out so they were calling me to hire me. But they weren't. The woman who interviewed me was calling to tell me they didn't select me for the position.
The following lyrics are from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring:
"Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
and if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away"
Showing posts with label grandfather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grandfather. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Flashback
So I am sitting here at my parents' computer and Katrina, the gray/brown tabby is sitting in front of the monitor. I moved the window to the side enough so I can see what I am typing. She is so precious. She sits with her tail curled in front of her paws and looks very content. I have Coldplay on in the background.
I stopped here on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I stayed at his parents' house Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was nice to be away and to be able to spend time with my boyfriend on his days off. He is so much fun to be around. I know I might be repeating myself, but I could never say these things enough. I feel so strongly that I will never tire when it comes to telling him what he means to me. He has this innate ability to make me laugh and I value it so much. Laughter is something I definitely need in my life- I am often stressed out.
Last night my boyfriend's grandfather mentioned he was going to the oncologist today for test results. I ended up having a flashback to when I took my grandfather to the VA for his test results. I can remember clearly the look on his face while we were in that office and got the news. His cancer had spread to various organs and they told him he needed chemo. I had spent a lot of the summer transporting him to doctors and helping him out around the condo. I was really getting to know him and was becoming closer to him than I had ever been. He even told me that I was a great granddaughter. When someone says a statement like that, it really means a lot. It was devastating to find out the bad news and even more devastating to have to spend my final days with him in the hospital. His chemo had made him susceptible to pneumonia, and the pneumonia was what ended up killing him. I went back and forth from extreme grief to numbness. I do not know if I grieved in a healthy manner or if my numbness put a hold on things. Every time I tried to talk about it in therapy, the pain was too much to bear and I ended up telling Jeanne that I couldn't talk about it anymore. Last night, I felt the pain pretty bad again- like a wound that had been reopened. As I wrote in a poem dedicated to him: "You'd say life is hard, well it certainly is hard without you here."
I stopped here on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I stayed at his parents' house Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was nice to be away and to be able to spend time with my boyfriend on his days off. He is so much fun to be around. I know I might be repeating myself, but I could never say these things enough. I feel so strongly that I will never tire when it comes to telling him what he means to me. He has this innate ability to make me laugh and I value it so much. Laughter is something I definitely need in my life- I am often stressed out.
Last night my boyfriend's grandfather mentioned he was going to the oncologist today for test results. I ended up having a flashback to when I took my grandfather to the VA for his test results. I can remember clearly the look on his face while we were in that office and got the news. His cancer had spread to various organs and they told him he needed chemo. I had spent a lot of the summer transporting him to doctors and helping him out around the condo. I was really getting to know him and was becoming closer to him than I had ever been. He even told me that I was a great granddaughter. When someone says a statement like that, it really means a lot. It was devastating to find out the bad news and even more devastating to have to spend my final days with him in the hospital. His chemo had made him susceptible to pneumonia, and the pneumonia was what ended up killing him. I went back and forth from extreme grief to numbness. I do not know if I grieved in a healthy manner or if my numbness put a hold on things. Every time I tried to talk about it in therapy, the pain was too much to bear and I ended up telling Jeanne that I couldn't talk about it anymore. Last night, I felt the pain pretty bad again- like a wound that had been reopened. As I wrote in a poem dedicated to him: "You'd say life is hard, well it certainly is hard without you here."
Monday, September 8, 2008
Last Breath
My friend is recovering from recent surgery, and that means that she has not been able to work seven days a week as usual. She has repeatedly stated that she is 'so bored.' If she thinks a week of not working is boring, how would she handle eight years? I have been out of work for quite some time. Luckily, I have been able to postpone my student loan payments. Soon I will not be able to do that anymore.
I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.
The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.
I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.
The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.
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