Falling

Well, an unfortunate event occurred. I fell down the stairs at my house and sprained my ankle pretty bad. The doctor at the hospital said I sprained a ligament. I am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible for four to six weeks. So much for joining the gym- that will have to wait. Hopefully in a couple weeks I'll be walking without pain, for now I have an air cast and crutches. As one Staind song goes: "Falling is easy, it's getting back up that becomes the problem."

My boyfriend and I celebrated our two year anniversary this past weekend, even though it is a week from tomorrow. Luckily I had bought him a present and card before I sprained my ankle. Hopefully we will have a place of our own soon. I am really hoping couples housing comes through, that would be our best deal.

I am reducing my therapy sessions with Sally to every other week. I will see how that goes.

After all...

So I've had some caffeine and figured I'd write while there were some words in me. Perhaps my meds are too strong. My psychiatrist is going to lower my medication because of all the horrible side effects I've been having. She already lowered it and at the next visit she said she'd probably lower it again. It still takes some caffeine to get my brain working enough to write. I guess I'd rather be this way than in the psych ward.

I don't really count my last hospitalization as a true psych ward experience. That is because I wasn't really symptomatic to the extent I usually get so it was not really frightening and I didn't get any injections or restraints. Lovely to talk about injections and restraints. I have never threatened anyone, but I guess they thought I was a threat to myself if not others. To me, to have the full psych ward experience, you need to have a needle or be strapped down and secluded. That's the heavy stuff. I don't include ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). I've never had it and am going to fill out an advanced directive so I never will. I keep procrastinating on the advanced directive. I really don't want to think about being in such situations where a decision like that has to be made. Everyone has their own opinion on whether ECT is beneficial. I know there have been success stories- I just don't want it for myself. I am glad it can help some people. I may have mentioned in past entries about wanting freedom from psychiatric treatment. There is a part of me that wants to be institutionalized and off meds, free to let my brain be in the state it chooses. Perhaps that would be a pseudo-suicide. I just looked up the term pseudo-suicide and found out it is actually a parasomnia. Oh well, I think it is obvious what I meant by that. It would hurt too many people in my life though if I did that. I'd also have to get a good lawyer and fill out the advanced directive...

I haven't been having much anxiety or emotional pain lately. I haven't been attending therapy as often either. Perhaps the vacation from therapy gave me a vacation from my problems. I think it's just that things have been pretty good. Also, the medication is helping.

We finally have some nice weather and I took a long walk today. I've been thinking of joining the gym because I want to try and kick this sedentary lifestyle of mine. I don't know if I will keep motivated enough to get my full use of the gym, but if I don't try I'll never know. My mother has a negative attitude about me joining the gym, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am 32 years old, after all.

Victory at Last

Beat the veteran computer player in Scrabble, my first word was a Bingo (I used all seven letters) and my final score was 407. It is my second highest score so far. My next goal is to get close to, if not to, 500 points. Months ago, I kept losing and losing to the veteran, so I decided that I would play the intermediate until I beat him/her 100 times. I succeeded and found that since then I've improved quite a bit. I only played one tournament on the computer though, it is timed and most of the time I don't feel like having the pressure of a timed game. Playing Scrabble is a great way to pass the time, especially when the cable is out/turned off.

For Christmas, I got the Diamond edition of Scrabble. It is portable, the board rotates, and the blank tiles are not blank- they have a silver diamond print on them. I've brought it to the library to play against my boyfriend.

We are supposed to get some snow overnight. I am sick of all the crappy weather and I can't wait for Spring to arrive.

My psychiatrist is lowering my antipsychotic because of my dry mouth and dry eye issues. I will go back to the dose I was on before I last went to the hospital. I have to pay attention to my anxiety levels and my sleep quality. I wish I never lost my ability to sleep without meds.

Never Ending Appointments

I am so used to being a file clerk now that I am starting to enjoy it. It is relatively low-stress, and the anxiety I had over it has dissipated. It is definitely different to be working, after being out of work for so many years. I am a little stressed over maintaining all my doctor/counselor appointments though. I have too many appointments. I have to see my case manager twice a month and she doesn't see clients on one of the two days I have off. I have to see my house counselor every other week. I found out I am getting a new one of those, which is good because my last one was giving me a hard time about meeting with her. I have to go back to the dentist to get my seven remaining cavities filled. I have to go to my annual endocrinologist appointment next month. And I can't see my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day because of my insurance. Appointments can be annoying.

I have no TV right now; my housemates decided not to pay the bill. When/if it gets turned back on, we are switching to basic broadcast cable. That means the very minimum, like thirteen channels or so. We can't afford any more than that anyway. We are struggling just to get money together for a new vacuum cleaner, since my one housemate broke our last two and the agency won't buy us one anymore.

My oldest housemate, about 62, said she is going to move out in 8 months or so to senior housing. That will change a lot around here since she dominates the house. I still would like to move out though; hopefully I can get a place with non-smokers until couples housing comes through.

Even though it's winter season, I've been enjoying iced chai lattes from Starbucks. They put too much ice in it though, so I end up finishing it way before my boyfriend finishes his boiling hot coffee.

Meds

So it's already February. Been listening to Staind's The Singles 1996-2006. I am getting lowered on one of my meds because the high dose is destroying my teeth (about a dozen cavities and one fractured tooth). I also have dry eye. Gotta love meds.

I have a meeting tomorrow at work. It's just to get my input on how I feel my internship placement is working out. I will get called into a conference room and will get a break from filing. I think the reason this meeting is happening is because one of the initial interviewer's saw me working when I was pretty sick and didn't look well (I had a bad cold coming on). She was concerned about me giving myself a break when I need it.

I've been having writer's block and that is why I haven't been on here too much lately.

Looking For a New Psychiatrist

It's going to be difficult finding a new doctor. Not many doctors want to deal with Medicaid. I had to call my current psychiatrist yesterday because I've been having trouble sleeping. I didn't get to go into the office, but the nurse practitioner prescribed Dalmane (flurazepam). It's one of the benzodiazepines; it's a controlled substance. I have no history of abusing any drugs so they didn't hesitate to prescribe it for me. I am supposed to take one or two 15 mg pills at bedtime. I took one last night, and although I slept better than I have been, I still had a vivid dream and woke up once around 6 and then finally at 8. I was hoping I'd sleep until 10 am. I feel like I could use more sleep than I've been getting.

I didn't take the keyboard specialist exam last Saturday because of my mental status. I just wasn't up to it and I felt resting would be a wiser option.

I am kind of kicking myself over the Dalmane, because I think I might have been better off with Klonopin. I don't think the Dalmane is intended to use during the day and I am still having terrible anxiety, despite having taken 1 mg last night. Perhaps I should take the full two, but then my supply would only last about two weeks and I don't have another appointment until January 8th. :( On top of that, I had to lay out $11.00 for the medicine as my insurance doesn't cover it. That's not all that bad, but I still have to buy presents.

I went shopping with my sister last night for my parent's Christmas presents. I am glad we got that over with. Afterwards we went to Friendly's restaurant and got ice cream sundaes. I haven't told her about my PTSD; I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her while she is still living at my parents' house.

Past Issues and Current Success

Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.

My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.

Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.