Looking For a New Psychiatrist

It's going to be difficult finding a new doctor. Not many doctors want to deal with Medicaid. I had to call my current psychiatrist yesterday because I've been having trouble sleeping. I didn't get to go into the office, but the nurse practitioner prescribed Dalmane (flurazepam). It's one of the benzodiazepines; it's a controlled substance. I have no history of abusing any drugs so they didn't hesitate to prescribe it for me. I am supposed to take one or two 15 mg pills at bedtime. I took one last night, and although I slept better than I have been, I still had a vivid dream and woke up once around 6 and then finally at 8. I was hoping I'd sleep until 10 am. I feel like I could use more sleep than I've been getting.

I didn't take the keyboard specialist exam last Saturday because of my mental status. I just wasn't up to it and I felt resting would be a wiser option.

I am kind of kicking myself over the Dalmane, because I think I might have been better off with Klonopin. I don't think the Dalmane is intended to use during the day and I am still having terrible anxiety, despite having taken 1 mg last night. Perhaps I should take the full two, but then my supply would only last about two weeks and I don't have another appointment until January 8th. :( On top of that, I had to lay out $11.00 for the medicine as my insurance doesn't cover it. That's not all that bad, but I still have to buy presents.

I went shopping with my sister last night for my parent's Christmas presents. I am glad we got that over with. Afterwards we went to Friendly's restaurant and got ice cream sundaes. I haven't told her about my PTSD; I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her while she is still living at my parents' house.

Past Issues and Current Success

Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.

My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.

Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.

Believing

I had an intense therapy session today with my psychologist, Sally. Basically I told her about an incident following watching part of a family home video on Thanksgiving. A day later I started getting severely depressed when I spoke of it, on the verge of tears, but I was at my boyfriend's house and didn't want to cry there. I ended up crying in therapy today and when I went into why it upset me I pretty much started sobbing and could not stop.

For the first time ever, a clinician told me I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. Nine years ago my boyfriend at the time tried to convince my psychiatrist (who happens to be my psych doc now) that I had it and she would not hear it. She has never believed that I was abused; she even wrote on my psych eval : 'No history of abuse'. I switched psychiatrists but ended up back under her care when there were not much other options with my insurance.

I've known all along that I have suffered from PTSD, but no one would believe me. My therapists all believed that I was abused, one thought I had MPD/DID, another thought I had DDNOS (Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). I have experienced psychosis but I have discovered that psychotic symptoms can occur with PTSD. I found this information from the website: http://ptsd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Psychosis.htm. I have copied and pasted an excerpt below:

"Psychotic Symptoms in PTSD

Researchers at the University of Manitoba, Columbia University, and the University of Regina examined the data on 5,877 people from across the United States in order to determine the rates with which people with PTSD experience different psychotic symptoms.

They found that, among people with PTSD, the experience of positive psychotic symptoms was most common. Approximately 52% of people who reported having PTSD at some point in their lifetime also reported experiencing a positive psychotic symptom.

The most common positive symptoms were:

• Believing that other people were spying on or following them (27.5%)
  
  
• Seeing something that others could not see (19.8%)
  
  
• Having unusual feelings inside or outside of their bodies, such as feeling as though they were being touched when no one was really there (16.8%)
  
  
• Believing that they could hear what someone else was thinking (12.4%)
  
  
• Being bothered by strange smells that no one else could smell (10.3%)
  
  
• Believing that their behaviors and thoughts were bring controlled by some power or force (10%)

The researchers also found evidence that the more PTSD symptoms a person was experiencing, the greater the likelihood that they would also experience positive psychotic symptoms."

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

Quick, clean your room!

I recently updated my housing application for couples housing. My boyfriend updated his too. I don't know this for sure, but it kinda sounds like we missed an opening because our applications weren't up to date. My boyfriend is going to call about it today. No one notified us to say that our applications needed to be updated. It just so happens I called to see what was going on and at that time they said I had to update.

Today is a day off for me but I had to wake up early to clean my room. My housing counselor comes every other Thursday morning and often checks the whole house. I've been told in the past that my room was 'cluttered.' She kinda suggested that I get rid of some furniture. That is not happening. So every other Thursday morning I scramble to get my room tidy enough to pass inspection. I finished cleaning my room today so now I just have to wait around; she should be here in a little while.

I went to the NAMI meeting last night, and was told that the usual leader of the group was not well. Someone else from our group ran it, and I think it went pretty well. There was only the guy running the group and one other person besides me.

I have therapy today finally. I canceled on her recently and she canceled on me last week so it's been a while. My therapist has a chronic coughing issue. Every session, she has at least one coughing spell and gets water, iced tea, or a cough drop. She has a platter of cough drops on her table and often offers me one. I often wonder if she is addicted to cough drops.

After therapy, I am going to preview some of the winter coats in the stores. My mom is going to take me shopping tomorrow night for a new coat. Even though I am working part time right now, I cannot afford a new coat. I am very appreciative that my mom helps me out in such matters. Someday I hope to be able to afford those things.

Internship placement and knee pain

I just received a phone call from the University I attended, they said they were calling to see how I am doing, but what they were really calling for was a donation. When she asked if I was home, I said she's not home. When they asked when is a good time to call, I said in the morning. I won't be home tomorrow morning.

The internship placement is going well; I completed my first week last week. It is very easy
"busywork". Clerical is not that challenging for me, but the way the job market is, there are more jobs in clerical than in human services. I can take the State test again in December and hopefully by the time the internship is over, i can interview for that job again. This time I am not putting down my college education, because on my last interview they flat out said I was overqualified.

Lately my right knee has been troubling me. I have Chondromalacia patella. I have tilted knee caps, which are not uncommon in women, but I have cartilage damage of my right knee. Basically, my knee hurts when I am sitting and my knee is bent to a certain extent. The more it is bent, the more likely there will be pain after a while. I get some relief by crossing my legs, as that seems to stretch out the knee a little bit. I considered surgery once, but they told me if I can live with it, I should live with it. I am going to an orthopedist and will see if I can try physical therapy again.

Angry

So I've been a little bit angry lately. One thing that bothered me was that someone from my internship was kicked out (when I was out doing my interviews) because she was getting symptomatic. The people running the internship are not psychiatrists. I don't think it was right. We talked a few times, and I felt like she could have possibly been a friend. Now there is no chance of that.

My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.

Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.

I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.