Falling

Well, an unfortunate event occurred. I fell down the stairs at my house and sprained my ankle pretty bad. The doctor at the hospital said I sprained a ligament. I am supposed to stay off of it as much as possible for four to six weeks. So much for joining the gym- that will have to wait. Hopefully in a couple weeks I'll be walking without pain, for now I have an air cast and crutches. As one Staind song goes: "Falling is easy, it's getting back up that becomes the problem."

My boyfriend and I celebrated our two year anniversary this past weekend, even though it is a week from tomorrow. Luckily I had bought him a present and card before I sprained my ankle. Hopefully we will have a place of our own soon. I am really hoping couples housing comes through, that would be our best deal.

I am reducing my therapy sessions with Sally to every other week. I will see how that goes.

After all...

So I've had some caffeine and figured I'd write while there were some words in me. Perhaps my meds are too strong. My psychiatrist is going to lower my medication because of all the horrible side effects I've been having. She already lowered it and at the next visit she said she'd probably lower it again. It still takes some caffeine to get my brain working enough to write. I guess I'd rather be this way than in the psych ward.

I don't really count my last hospitalization as a true psych ward experience. That is because I wasn't really symptomatic to the extent I usually get so it was not really frightening and I didn't get any injections or restraints. Lovely to talk about injections and restraints. I have never threatened anyone, but I guess they thought I was a threat to myself if not others. To me, to have the full psych ward experience, you need to have a needle or be strapped down and secluded. That's the heavy stuff. I don't include ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). I've never had it and am going to fill out an advanced directive so I never will. I keep procrastinating on the advanced directive. I really don't want to think about being in such situations where a decision like that has to be made. Everyone has their own opinion on whether ECT is beneficial. I know there have been success stories- I just don't want it for myself. I am glad it can help some people. I may have mentioned in past entries about wanting freedom from psychiatric treatment. There is a part of me that wants to be institutionalized and off meds, free to let my brain be in the state it chooses. Perhaps that would be a pseudo-suicide. I just looked up the term pseudo-suicide and found out it is actually a parasomnia. Oh well, I think it is obvious what I meant by that. It would hurt too many people in my life though if I did that. I'd also have to get a good lawyer and fill out the advanced directive...

I haven't been having much anxiety or emotional pain lately. I haven't been attending therapy as often either. Perhaps the vacation from therapy gave me a vacation from my problems. I think it's just that things have been pretty good. Also, the medication is helping.

We finally have some nice weather and I took a long walk today. I've been thinking of joining the gym because I want to try and kick this sedentary lifestyle of mine. I don't know if I will keep motivated enough to get my full use of the gym, but if I don't try I'll never know. My mother has a negative attitude about me joining the gym, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am 32 years old, after all.

Victory at Last

Beat the veteran computer player in Scrabble, my first word was a Bingo (I used all seven letters) and my final score was 407. It is my second highest score so far. My next goal is to get close to, if not to, 500 points. Months ago, I kept losing and losing to the veteran, so I decided that I would play the intermediate until I beat him/her 100 times. I succeeded and found that since then I've improved quite a bit. I only played one tournament on the computer though, it is timed and most of the time I don't feel like having the pressure of a timed game. Playing Scrabble is a great way to pass the time, especially when the cable is out/turned off.

For Christmas, I got the Diamond edition of Scrabble. It is portable, the board rotates, and the blank tiles are not blank- they have a silver diamond print on them. I've brought it to the library to play against my boyfriend.

We are supposed to get some snow overnight. I am sick of all the crappy weather and I can't wait for Spring to arrive.

My psychiatrist is lowering my antipsychotic because of my dry mouth and dry eye issues. I will go back to the dose I was on before I last went to the hospital. I have to pay attention to my anxiety levels and my sleep quality. I wish I never lost my ability to sleep without meds.

Never Ending Appointments

I am so used to being a file clerk now that I am starting to enjoy it. It is relatively low-stress, and the anxiety I had over it has dissipated. It is definitely different to be working, after being out of work for so many years. I am a little stressed over maintaining all my doctor/counselor appointments though. I have too many appointments. I have to see my case manager twice a month and she doesn't see clients on one of the two days I have off. I have to see my house counselor every other week. I found out I am getting a new one of those, which is good because my last one was giving me a hard time about meeting with her. I have to go back to the dentist to get my seven remaining cavities filled. I have to go to my annual endocrinologist appointment next month. And I can't see my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day because of my insurance. Appointments can be annoying.

I have no TV right now; my housemates decided not to pay the bill. When/if it gets turned back on, we are switching to basic broadcast cable. That means the very minimum, like thirteen channels or so. We can't afford any more than that anyway. We are struggling just to get money together for a new vacuum cleaner, since my one housemate broke our last two and the agency won't buy us one anymore.

My oldest housemate, about 62, said she is going to move out in 8 months or so to senior housing. That will change a lot around here since she dominates the house. I still would like to move out though; hopefully I can get a place with non-smokers until couples housing comes through.

Even though it's winter season, I've been enjoying iced chai lattes from Starbucks. They put too much ice in it though, so I end up finishing it way before my boyfriend finishes his boiling hot coffee.

Meds

So it's already February. Been listening to Staind's The Singles 1996-2006. I am getting lowered on one of my meds because the high dose is destroying my teeth (about a dozen cavities and one fractured tooth). I also have dry eye. Gotta love meds.

I have a meeting tomorrow at work. It's just to get my input on how I feel my internship placement is working out. I will get called into a conference room and will get a break from filing. I think the reason this meeting is happening is because one of the initial interviewer's saw me working when I was pretty sick and didn't look well (I had a bad cold coming on). She was concerned about me giving myself a break when I need it.

I've been having writer's block and that is why I haven't been on here too much lately.

Looking For a New Psychiatrist

It's going to be difficult finding a new doctor. Not many doctors want to deal with Medicaid. I had to call my current psychiatrist yesterday because I've been having trouble sleeping. I didn't get to go into the office, but the nurse practitioner prescribed Dalmane (flurazepam). It's one of the benzodiazepines; it's a controlled substance. I have no history of abusing any drugs so they didn't hesitate to prescribe it for me. I am supposed to take one or two 15 mg pills at bedtime. I took one last night, and although I slept better than I have been, I still had a vivid dream and woke up once around 6 and then finally at 8. I was hoping I'd sleep until 10 am. I feel like I could use more sleep than I've been getting.

I didn't take the keyboard specialist exam last Saturday because of my mental status. I just wasn't up to it and I felt resting would be a wiser option.

I am kind of kicking myself over the Dalmane, because I think I might have been better off with Klonopin. I don't think the Dalmane is intended to use during the day and I am still having terrible anxiety, despite having taken 1 mg last night. Perhaps I should take the full two, but then my supply would only last about two weeks and I don't have another appointment until January 8th. :( On top of that, I had to lay out $11.00 for the medicine as my insurance doesn't cover it. That's not all that bad, but I still have to buy presents.

I went shopping with my sister last night for my parent's Christmas presents. I am glad we got that over with. Afterwards we went to Friendly's restaurant and got ice cream sundaes. I haven't told her about my PTSD; I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her while she is still living at my parents' house.

Past Issues and Current Success

Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.

My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.

Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.

Believing

I had an intense therapy session today with my psychologist, Sally. Basically I told her about an incident following watching part of a family home video on Thanksgiving. A day later I started getting severely depressed when I spoke of it, on the verge of tears, but I was at my boyfriend's house and didn't want to cry there. I ended up crying in therapy today and when I went into why it upset me I pretty much started sobbing and could not stop.

For the first time ever, a clinician told me I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. Nine years ago my boyfriend at the time tried to convince my psychiatrist (who happens to be my psych doc now) that I had it and she would not hear it. She has never believed that I was abused; she even wrote on my psych eval : 'No history of abuse'. I switched psychiatrists but ended up back under her care when there were not much other options with my insurance.

I've known all along that I have suffered from PTSD, but no one would believe me. My therapists all believed that I was abused, one thought I had MPD/DID, another thought I had DDNOS (Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). I have experienced psychosis but I have discovered that psychotic symptoms can occur with PTSD. I found this information from the website: http://ptsd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Psychosis.htm. I have copied and pasted an excerpt below:

"Psychotic Symptoms in PTSD

Researchers at the University of Manitoba, Columbia University, and the University of Regina examined the data on 5,877 people from across the United States in order to determine the rates with which people with PTSD experience different psychotic symptoms.

They found that, among people with PTSD, the experience of positive psychotic symptoms was most common. Approximately 52% of people who reported having PTSD at some point in their lifetime also reported experiencing a positive psychotic symptom.

The most common positive symptoms were:

• Believing that other people were spying on or following them (27.5%)
  
  
• Seeing something that others could not see (19.8%)
  
  
• Having unusual feelings inside or outside of their bodies, such as feeling as though they were being touched when no one was really there (16.8%)
  
  
• Believing that they could hear what someone else was thinking (12.4%)
  
  
• Being bothered by strange smells that no one else could smell (10.3%)
  
  
• Believing that their behaviors and thoughts were bring controlled by some power or force (10%)

The researchers also found evidence that the more PTSD symptoms a person was experiencing, the greater the likelihood that they would also experience positive psychotic symptoms."

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

Quick, clean your room!

I recently updated my housing application for couples housing. My boyfriend updated his too. I don't know this for sure, but it kinda sounds like we missed an opening because our applications weren't up to date. My boyfriend is going to call about it today. No one notified us to say that our applications needed to be updated. It just so happens I called to see what was going on and at that time they said I had to update.

Today is a day off for me but I had to wake up early to clean my room. My housing counselor comes every other Thursday morning and often checks the whole house. I've been told in the past that my room was 'cluttered.' She kinda suggested that I get rid of some furniture. That is not happening. So every other Thursday morning I scramble to get my room tidy enough to pass inspection. I finished cleaning my room today so now I just have to wait around; she should be here in a little while.

I went to the NAMI meeting last night, and was told that the usual leader of the group was not well. Someone else from our group ran it, and I think it went pretty well. There was only the guy running the group and one other person besides me.

I have therapy today finally. I canceled on her recently and she canceled on me last week so it's been a while. My therapist has a chronic coughing issue. Every session, she has at least one coughing spell and gets water, iced tea, or a cough drop. She has a platter of cough drops on her table and often offers me one. I often wonder if she is addicted to cough drops.

After therapy, I am going to preview some of the winter coats in the stores. My mom is going to take me shopping tomorrow night for a new coat. Even though I am working part time right now, I cannot afford a new coat. I am very appreciative that my mom helps me out in such matters. Someday I hope to be able to afford those things.

Internship placement and knee pain

I just received a phone call from the University I attended, they said they were calling to see how I am doing, but what they were really calling for was a donation. When she asked if I was home, I said she's not home. When they asked when is a good time to call, I said in the morning. I won't be home tomorrow morning.

The internship placement is going well; I completed my first week last week. It is very easy
"busywork". Clerical is not that challenging for me, but the way the job market is, there are more jobs in clerical than in human services. I can take the State test again in December and hopefully by the time the internship is over, i can interview for that job again. This time I am not putting down my college education, because on my last interview they flat out said I was overqualified.

Lately my right knee has been troubling me. I have Chondromalacia patella. I have tilted knee caps, which are not uncommon in women, but I have cartilage damage of my right knee. Basically, my knee hurts when I am sitting and my knee is bent to a certain extent. The more it is bent, the more likely there will be pain after a while. I get some relief by crossing my legs, as that seems to stretch out the knee a little bit. I considered surgery once, but they told me if I can live with it, I should live with it. I am going to an orthopedist and will see if I can try physical therapy again.

Angry

So I've been a little bit angry lately. One thing that bothered me was that someone from my internship was kicked out (when I was out doing my interviews) because she was getting symptomatic. The people running the internship are not psychiatrists. I don't think it was right. We talked a few times, and I felt like she could have possibly been a friend. Now there is no chance of that.

My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.

Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.

I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.

Two interviews in one day...

I got the Michael Jackson tickets! My boyfriend, sister, and I are going during the last week of the month.

I had two job interviews today for the NYS Keyboard Specialist position. I told the internship that I had a doctor's appointment. I was nervous; I kept waking up last night and was thinking about what I would say on my interviews. The first interview at campus residences went relatively well, from what I could tell. I felt that I gave good answers. The second interview, which was at the dental school, didn't go as well, as the lady in charge told me that I was overqualified because of my college degree. After she said that I knew the interview was pretty much shot. There were a lot of applicants for both jobs which sucks. At least I am getting practice interviewing.

So the internship is going okay but they haven't found a placement for me yet. I told them that I wanted something clerical and close to home. They were thinking about placing me somewhere relatively far from home. I might end up having to go there if they can't find something else. Most people have their placements already, and me not going in today is probably not speeding up my placement. Oh well, the interviews were important. If I could land a job with the State and make it through the probation period, I'd be set.

My grandmother (dad's mom) came back to NY from the place in Oregon she was staying at, her permanent home is in AZ. I hope I get to see her a couple of times during her visit.

Job Issues/Support

I had an upsetting phone conversation with my aunt this morning. It was about my internship. I am thinking of looking for a competitive job while I am at this internship. I finally found out some ideas about where the internship wants to place me. They were thinking of placing me somewhere with senior citizens doing arts and crafts. I just don't think that that will lead me in the path I want to go in. I've decided that I want to stick with clerical work. I am going to re-take the keyboard specialist exam in December. In the meantime, I want to work on my resume and go to the one-stop employment center and take classes on Microsoft Excel (it's been ten years since I've used it) and Access (which I've never used). My aunt doesn't think I should do this and she upset me because she was saying that this internship was my only chance in a roundabout way. I love my aunt very much, but like my relationship with my mom, I have to keep boundaries and be careful of what I discuss with her. I was in tears by the middle of the phone call and then I told her another call was coming in because she would not stop her 'lecture'. Sigh.

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean it is ok to bash someone's confidence into a million pieces. I am looking for support when I talk to my boyfriend, friends, and family. Sometimes my family is not my strongest support system. Speaking of support systems, my therapist Sally has been on vacation again. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks. I really could use therapy now, and I am hoping that when I do go back to her, it will be effective. The last two sessions I had with her ended early because they lacked direction and I didn't know what to say. I want to establish direction and purpose to my therapy; I'd like to work on some issues instead of just talking about daily life. I have plenty of issues to talk about, just have to wait until October 1st.

I am excited to purchase tickets to the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' movie on Sunday. I have to call my local movie theater and make sure they will have them there.

Car accident

It has been a long time since I last posted. Things are going well with my internship, I am getting to work on time without a problem. Waking up in the morning isn't really that big of a task- I used to have a lot more trouble getting up early. I had a car accident recently though- one that I feel completely stupid about. I hit a curb in the parking lot before going to work and I hit it with such force that my airbags deployed. My car is drive-able, but I just won't have airbags from now on. Accidents happen. It just makes me question going to my internship, all the wear and tear on my car. I also got a call from the cat shelter and they would like me to come in to help with socialization. It would be something to do if I didn't have the internship and I would have time to look for a more local job. I don't know. I just don't think it would be possible for me to be going to the internship three days a week, therapy another day, and then the cat shelter. All of those trips are about 45 min away from my house.

I am meeting with my job coach tomorrow (after my internship) and most likely will talk to her about this.

I found out that when my boyfriend and I get called for couples housing, we will most likely be able to have a two bedroom apartment. That is pretty good news.

My friend is looking for her own apartment now. She has poor credit; hopefully she will be able to find a place. I would be very upset if she moved to Florida with her mother.

A good first day and a bad dream...

My first day at the internship (on the job!) went well. I got there an hour early and sat in my car in the shade until a few minutes before I had to be there. People were fairly friendly there. The day treatment clients were even more friendly. I didn't even use a full quarter of a tank of gas there and back, which is pretty good considering I have a 6 cylinder engine. We were mainly filling out career inventory paperwork. One of the tasks was to write about three of your accomplishments (or overcome obstacles) and to discuss how you went about them and the outcome. That was probably the most difficult part of the day, aside from merging onto the busy highway.

Tonight I have to move my alarm clock across the room. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and I didn't even have to go to the internship today. I am going to bed early tonight and hopefully will have an easier time getting up tomorrow. Yesterday, I woke up before my alarm even went off.

I had a bad dream last night, well two of them, but I will mention the first one. It was another disturbing dream, like I am being haunted by my grandparents. This time in my dream, I saw my grandmother and told her how happy I was to see her and then she started crying. Then I told her I loved her 'so much.' It was a vision of her before her Alzheimer's took over her brain. Following my last words to her, I woke up. I think I might have had this dream because I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before her Alzheimer's and dementia stole her from me and my family. I am no expert dream analyst- it is just a thought. Even though I may no longer be crying on the outside, I am weeping from within.

A start of a new chapter...

Tomorrow I start my internship. I am just relaxing and getting ready tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow; I am going to leave myself about an hour extra for the commute. I don't know how the traffic is, so I want to be on the safe side. I am hoping this internship will open up some possibilities as well as give me the confidence to work again.

I found out my boyfriend might not be moving back home at the end of the month. He was going to leave the student rental house and go back about an hour away from me. It is not definite, but it is a nice thought that he might not be so far away. We had a nice weekend together, cooked a couple of different meals. I bought two cookbooks on sale at Borders the other night and there are lots of dishes that look/sound good in them.

We are still waiting for couples housing to call us.

Got it!

I received a phone call this afternoon from the internship that I applied and interviewed for many months ago. They told me that I was accepted. I start Monday August 10th. This is exciting and scary for me at the same time. There is a chance that I will have to drive people around after the training, and most likely it would be in areas I am not familiar with. My internship is in an area I am not familiar with at all. This scares me a bit.

I figure I could try the internship out, give it a chance. I will lose my foodstamps, but if I someday get a job opportunity from this, it would have been worth it.

I enjoyed my family vacation and my birthday as well. I can't believe I am 32 now.

Family Vacation

This weekend I am going to be on a family vacation. My mom, dad, sister and I will be going upstate NY. It's our first family vacation in 9 years. We went in August of 2000 and it was mostly fighting. My sister seems to think it will be fighting this time, but I know I am in a different place than I was in '00. My parents are picking me up at 6 am (yikes!) on Saturday. I have a lot of my stuff together for the trip, but will do my final packing tomorrow.

My birthday is next week, I'll be 32 years old. I got my b-day present early- a digital camera. There is a lot to learn with using it, and most of what I need to learn is on my computer. It came with a very basic user guide and then a more detailed one on the cd. I've printed out a few pages of some of the key features I'll be using. I've hardly ever taken pictures throughout my life so far, so it will probably take some getting used to.

Recent post

I deleted my most recent post. I feel like sometimes when I write this blog, my mind takes a negative turn. I don't want to do that anymore.

I will write more when I am in a better frame of mind.