Monday, December 29, 2008

the holidays

So, I got through Christmas. I didn't think it would be that much of a challenge, but when it came to seeing my aunt, it was. My mother's sister is very loud, says you know after everything she says and waits for a response to that, and tries to get me involved in everything she does. I tried to avoid the you know questions and getting involved in what she was doing, but it took me pretending to sleep in my parents' room with the lights out to be free. That was actually my mom's suggestion- she saw that my aunt was getting on my nerves. My mom can have some smart ideas once in a while. I am grateful that my mother raised me and not my aunt. If my aunt raised me, I'd have OCD and I'd be a nervous wreck most of the time. I'd probably have my schizoaffective disorder as well. Not that I don't have anxiety from my mom having raised me. And I do have some perfectionism issues. I hate to say it, but it was a good thing my aunt did not have kids.

Over the weekend, I made the mistake of seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I am not going to spoil it for anyone, but I must warn anyone that is going to see it that it is very depressing. In fact it was the most depressing movie I have seen in my entire life. Movies I have found to be depressing/sad in the past include E.T., the Titanic, Forrest Gump, and Girl Interrupted. I am sure there are more that I am not remembering. The latter two had me crying. I saw Titanic in day program so I don't think I fully got into it enough to cry. Girl Interrupted hit me on a personal level, perhaps those without mental illness would not find it as sad as I did.

New Year's should be fun. I am going to drive to Montauk lighthouse with my boyfriend very early in the morning but the purpose it to get to watch the first sunrise of the year from an excellent location. I have to check the weather to make sure my boyfriend and I can see the sunrise and it's not too cloudy. My housemates are going to be gone, which is another cool thing. It is a rare occurrence that I have the house to myself.

I have a lot of laundry to do. I was sick right before Christmas and did not do any. I got some clothes for Christmas that held me over...but it is time.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Trying

I have been aware that I had not written a blog post yet this month, but I just wasn't sure that I had anything substantial to write about. My boyfriend left my house around 5:30 this morning, and he was running late to work. We had a good visit. I was a little cranky yesterday and then again at 4 this morning, but other than that things went well.

I felt bad about having been cranky and so I slept the day away today. Some people would probably say that I was depressed, so I guess that's what it was. I don't know. For me, my memories of depression involve being morbidly obsessed with suicide and predictions of a very short lifespan. I am not like that now, which is a good thing. I guess I just don't understand mild depression. Just like I don't understand someone being slightly paranoid. I am not paranoid now, thankfully, but perhaps I am mildly depressed a lot of the time and not even aware of it.

I am not sure I understand the concept of happiness.

I understand that some people believe that life is what you make of it. I guess I didn't do too well making something of my life. Maybe it's because I have been chemically unbalanced for the majority of my time on earth so far. I probably have more of a chance now that I have ever had. There is a part of me that is trying.