Trying

I have been aware that I had not written a blog post yet this month, but I just wasn't sure that I had anything substantial to write about. My boyfriend left my house around 5:30 this morning, and he was running late to work. We had a good visit. I was a little cranky yesterday and then again at 4 this morning, but other than that things went well.

I felt bad about having been cranky and so I slept the day away today. Some people would probably say that I was depressed, so I guess that's what it was. I don't know. For me, my memories of depression involve being morbidly obsessed with suicide and predictions of a very short lifespan. I am not like that now, which is a good thing. I guess I just don't understand mild depression. Just like I don't understand someone being slightly paranoid. I am not paranoid now, thankfully, but perhaps I am mildly depressed a lot of the time and not even aware of it.

I am not sure I understand the concept of happiness.

I understand that some people believe that life is what you make of it. I guess I didn't do too well making something of my life. Maybe it's because I have been chemically unbalanced for the majority of my time on earth so far. I probably have more of a chance now that I have ever had. There is a part of me that is trying.