Painful dreams and a disappointing phone call

This morning I had a dream about my late grandfather. I don't really remember details, but I was visiting him and the dream was so convincing that I felt he was still alive. In a sense, it was haunting. A few weeks ago I had a 'haunting' dream about my late grandmother, in which she said "I love you" to me. Both dreams upset me greatly. I miss them terribly and really wish they didn't have to go so soon. My grandmother died at 77 and my grandfather died at 79. Cancer took them both.

At about 8:45 this morning, my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID and it said 'state parks'. For a split second I thought that maybe the person they hired for the keyboard specialist position didn't work out so they were calling me to hire me. But they weren't. The woman who interviewed me was calling to tell me they didn't select me for the position.

The following lyrics are from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring:

"Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
and if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away"

Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.

Someday

So I am 99.9% sure that I didn't get the state park job. She said she'd make her decision by the end of last week and today is Monday. It sucks, but there is a lot of competition for jobs right now. I have a big gap on my resume which isn't helping. In fact, I am beginning to feel as though I am going to be interviewing for this job for a long time and might not get one. At least there's the internship, if I can get that. The internship will end up putting me in a worse situation financially and I will probably have to get gas money from my parents. It will be about a 30 mile drive each way to the internship training area. After that, I will probably be going somewhere else, which might be even further than that.

I hate asking my parents for money. I try to do it as little as possible. I haven't asked them for money in a while now. I want to be self-sufficient someday. That would be really nice. I want to be able to have an apartment with my boyfriend and a car to drive around in. Hopefully someday I will achieve those goals.

My diet is going OK. I don't have my own scale, so I am going to weigh myself at my parents house on a weekly basis. I exercised a lot last week and today I am taking a break from that. I've been pretty lethargic and somewhat irritable at times. I really hope I can be successful, that all of this will have a positive outcome. I am making chicken fajitas tonight, but will only have one in a carb control burrito wrap. I might make fat-free refried beans on the side. I will probably cook early, as I get hungry for dinner around 4:30-5:00. I think I might start now, since it will take a while to cook. Food is calling.

Awaiting the verdict

So today is day 3 of my diet, as I ended up eating horrifically unhealthy food (though it could have been worse) on Monday night when my sister came over. But that was it. No more. I went to bed hungry last night, and I woke up ready to eat, lol. I went for a walk/partial jog today. I was surprised with the amount of energy I had when I tried jogging. But I didn't really run for long. I figure from now on when I go for my walk, I will alternate between walking and jogging.

I had a tilapia fillet for dinner with parsley and lemon on it, no salt. I am trying to cut back on sodium where I can. I didn't finish my fish and I ended up throwing away my salad because the lettuce wasn't good anymore. So I had a few steamed carrots and some almonds. My "dessert" for the evening will be a generic fiber bar. I should really buy a high fiber cereal and eat it dry as I think it is less sugar than a fiber bar. But these little cutbacks don't all have to happen at once.

No word yet from the state park, I am assuming tomorrow will be the verdict. The internship interview went well, as far as I could tell. I probably won't hear about that until May as they have to do a lot of interviewing and will start the internship in June. The local university sent me a letter for a keyboarding job. They had contacted me a while back ago to see if I was interested and now they are looking for someone. I will definitely interview for that if I don't get the park keyboarding position.

That's about it. The weather is going to be really nice tomorrow and Saturday so I will be able to get out and exercise some more. I am going to take a trip to the park I interviewed at sometime next month probably. It is a really beautiful place to visit.

Uncanny timing

I had an interview today for a State park about a half hour from my house. It was for the keyboard specialist position and was my second interview with them. It was a challenging interview, but I think it went well. Unfortunately there is only one opening and there are a lot of people going for the same job. I will hear by the end of the week.

Talk about timing, I heard from the internship this afternoon that I had been interested in. I have an interview for that on Wednesday. It would be really weird if I were to get offered the State park job and the internship. It would be a tough decision. Hopefully I will at least get one of them.

My boyfriend and I are starting a diet together. Today was day 1. I am going to try and eat differently and join the gym next month. There is a really cheap gym about 20 min away from me. This is a major step for me. I've struggled with weight issues since junior high, even though back then I was very thin. I gained some weight from Zyprexa which only made my issues worse. I've lost thirty pounds over the last year and if I could lose another thirty it would be great. I will take this one day at a time and see how it goes. No more Applebees nights out for a while and no more baking brownies with my sister. It won't be easy. I also have to avoid fast food and cook dinners for myself. Tonight I am having baked chicken with plain spinach and a sweet potato. I will have a bottle of water with it. Lately the only drinks I have are water and black tea.

I am going to take a nap. I wanted to before, but I pushed myself to take a walk outside since it is pretty nice out.

Anniversary of the Fairy Tale Kind

I had an excellent anniversary celebration on Sunday. The weather was great and we went to dinner at the perfect time. We went to an Italian restaurant called Buona Sera. As we walked to the restaurant, it became dark outside. We couldn't have asked for a better seat. Our table was right next to the street and the window was open. Candles on each table were the main source of lighting. A woman jazz singer was singing the whole time, and one song she sang was "I Only Have Eyes For You." I am not sure that is the exact title of the song, but that's the main part of the song. It couldn't have been a more romantic atmosphere than that. I ordered the spinach ravioli, and my boyfriend ordered some sort of potato dish. After dinner, we went to Junior's for some of their world famous cheesecake. I got blueberry cheesecake and it was excellent. I was very happy with our evening.

The rest of this week should be fun. We don't have a whole lot planned, but it will be nice to have the time together while he is off from school. I will be celebrating Easter with my boyfriend's family at his uncle's house. I haven't really been to a family function of his other than his brother's high school graduation party. It will be a change from going to the same place I had last Easter and Thanksgiving at (my mom's cousin's house).

Not enough for a title

I drove to three stores today, trying to find an anniversary card for my boyfriend. The selection was pretty limited for the "our anniversary" category. I finally went to an official card store and found a good one. It was really the only card I liked out of them all.

My boyfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow, Sunday. That's because it is supposed to rain on Monday. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 60 degrees. We will have a nice day to go into the city.

I am tired. Not sure why I am so tired, but I think I might take a short nap. I might write more later.