Monday, September 29, 2008

"Cat-sitting"

So I am "cat-sitting" (baby-sitting) the cats at my parents' house for the next few days. Katrina, the younger one, already threw up on my mother's jewelry box. Luckily there was a cloth on top of the box that caught most of it.

We tried out brainspotting in therapy today. I had to follow what looked like a radio antenna while it went from left to right with my eyes. Nothing happened for me, so we stopped and she said we'd try it again some other time. Talk therapy with her always seems to work out pretty well, so I am not concerned.

My boyfriend and I have planned a trip to Central Park for Friday. I just checked the weather for NYC and it says partly cloudy for Friday. Hopefully it will stay that way, or change to sunny. I am really looking forward to this trip with him. Our last trip was back in June to see Dave Matthews Band in Connecticut. That was a lot of fun, even though we got completely drenched. I always enjoy my time with him. I love him with all of my heart.

Last Friday, my boyfriend and I went to Petco and looked at the animals there. There were two mice in this one running wheel, one of them was just clinging on to it; the other was running. So the clinging one kept going upside down, it was pretty funny. On our way out we looked at the kittens, and of course, I wanted to take one home. One of my housemates says she hates cats, so that is out of the question.

I was just interrupted by Katrina- she wanted to play. So I tossed the tiger head stuffy through the hallway a couple of times. She loves to chase after things, especially toy mice! Our other cat, Spooky, likes to chase after light on the ground or walls. Reflecting sunlight from watches, or the laser light pen always seems to do the trick. I think I am going to go back now and play with Spooky.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

EMDR and Brainspotting

So I talked to Jeanne on the phone this morning. We are going to try EMDR and Brainspotting in my future sessions with her. EMDR, according to the Cognitive Therapy Associates website is as follows:

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapeutic technique used by licensed mental health practitioners who are trained in this protocol to facilitate the recovery of those suffering from aftereffects of traumatic events. In this technique, the therapist guides the person in right/left eye movement and other right/left brain stimulation as he or she recounts the event. Also, the person gets to choose their actions rather than feeling powerless over his or her reactions. The goal is to release blocked emotional experience (memories and distress) as well as successful integration of the event, resulting in symptom relief and healing."

Brainspotting, according to the website http://www.robertweiszphd.com/Brainspotting/ is as follows:

"Brainspotting is a powerful, focused treatment method that works by identifying, processing and releasing core neurophysiological sources of emotional/body pain, trauma, dissociation and a variety of other challenging symptoms. Brainspotting is a simultaneous form of diagnosis and treatment, enhanced with Biolateral sound, which is deep, direct, and powerful yet focused and containing."

I don't quite understand either of these methods just yet, so I can't give much further info on them. Jeanne told me to go to the EMDRIA website; EMDRIA stands for EMDR International Association. For the next four days she is going to attend a course for Brainspotting. She is already trained in EMDR and will be helping me deal with the strength of my emotions when I feel like I have little to no control over a situation. These methods are ultimately going to be treating my PTSD.

Yesterday I saw Dr. K, and he gave me the worksheets to get started on the cognitive therapy exercises he wants me to do. Hopefully all of these forms of therapy will help me feel a little better than I have been.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Autumn is here

So today is officially the first day of Autumn. It feels like it too; it is quite chilly here. It is starting to get chilly in my room and that is with the windows shut. Soon I'll have to start wearing a jacket when I walk.

I got my car inspected today and had them look it over for anything it might need. It got a clean bill of health. My parents even ended up offering to pay for it since I'll be baby-sitting the cats at their house next week. Works out great because I am pretty broke, so now I have some food and gas money to last me until next month. I've got to give my parents credit for helping me out nowadays. They made my life a living hell back in the day; but these days that I am not living with them, they are more considerate.

My boyfriend got a letter back from the housing committee. They said that housing is in high demand. That isn't much of a surprise to me. I myself am on the Section 8 waiting list (government subsidized housing). Anyone applying for Section 8 around here can expect to wait several years before their number is called. I am number 10,000 or something around that. Mental health housing is quicker than Section 8, thankfully. It will probably take several months for the couples' housing, considering what they said.

My case manager is driving me to my therapist (Jeanne) on the 29th. She had me sign a second bus pass application- I am guessing the first one got lost. For this week, I will speak with Jeanne on the phone. I will have a regular office visit with Dr. K tomorrow. I've been in therapy for about ten years. I had brief therapy in high school which I am not counting in that figure. I was so suicidal and depressed in high school that my therapist had her hands full. Amazingly, she did not refer me to a psychiatrist. Could it be that she thought my depression was environmentally influenced? If only I could get my hands on the notes from those sessions. The counseling agency I was using closed down, so who knows where on earth the notes are, if anywhere. Perhaps that is a good thing.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Twenty steps

I went for my second 4 mile walk tonight; the first was last night. An interesting thing happened on the last half of my walking path. A beautiful, snow white moth flew in my direction and landed on my shoulder. It actually stayed on my shoulder for a bit of time, maybe twenty steps. Then an upcoming house had their sprinkler on, so I walked into the street and with the change of direction the moth flew away. For those twenty steps or so, I felt at peace.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Signed, sealed, almost delivered...

Yay! The housing applications have been priority mailed with signature confirmation. (I couldn't hand them in myself, as the building of the housing office is in lockdown) I believe they are still in transit, as there has not been a sig confirmation according to the US postal service website just yet. What a relief it was to finally mail them. We had been working on our applications for a couple of months. It took so long because they wanted psych reports and a physical exam with PPD. We photocopied everything in case for some god forsaken reason the apps get lost, we can get them right back out again.

Another yay! is that Jeanne is back from her vacation and I will be chatting with her via phone on Friday. Her office is kinda far away- transportation to her is an issue. I applied for a bus pass for the disabled, but it has not shown up in my mailbox and it has been quite a few weeks. For the past two months, I had my case manager drive me to my therapy appointments every other week or so and I had phone sessions during the other weeks. Phone sessions aren't always the most effective for me, but sometimes they can be just as helpful as an in-person appointment.

I was kinda in 'the doghouse' today. I admit that I deserved it- I had said things that I did not mean, mostly driven by irrational fear. I should not let fear speak through me as it did. I am definitely going to mention it during my phone session on Friday. The last thing I want is to start behaving like my mother. Yikes.

My boyfriend and I did make a pretty good pasta sauce tonight. It was our first attempt at homemade sauce, and it was successful. There are many more things we are going to try with it; it's like a science experiment. Hopefully we won't blow up the kitchen, lol.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

Burden in her hand...

So I visited my mother this weekend. I kick myself for going there, after almost every visit. The reason I go as frequently as I do is because I just want to get out of my house and away from my housemates. I also don't have to worry about what I am going to eat when I am at my parents' house. And not to forget, I like to visit my two cats. I just get so frustrated at their house, especially on the day I am supposed to go home. My mother has a unique way of making me feel like absolute crap. When she got home from work today (today was the day for me to go home), she wanted me to immediately move my car so I would not 'get in the way' of their car lineup this afternoon- since I'd be leaving soon. So I decided to not move my car then, but to immediately pack up my stuff and leave. That I believe is what she wanted. She didn't want me to hang around until dinnertime because then there would be the burden of having to include me in the dinner plans. That's right, I am a burden.

Besides that, my sister is home yet she does not say one word to me. She is too busy getting ready to go out, like she does every single night. Except she's hanging out with her boyfriend, or her friend, but never me. We used to be really good friends. I don't particularly care for this boyfriend, but I am biased. It's that she spends every single day of the week with him, so I never get to see her anymore. She might as well be living with him, but she's not. At least when she was seeing her last boyfriend, I got to see her sometimes on the weekend.

I might as well just go to sleep now. Everyone is busy, I have no money to spend really, and the price of gas has jumped by about 40 cents per gallon so I should conserve my driving trips. Overall suckiness. Tomorrow will be better, so at least I can look forward to tomorrow. For now, I shall sleep.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

ASAP

So, it's September 11th. Back in '01, I was released from the psych ward on this day. My Geodon wasn't working well, so they increased the dosage. They also gave me Ativan to take three times a day. I was an anxious mess and then the terrorist attacks happened. I was so scared and anxious I was almost shaking. Everywhere I went shortly after that day, I saw American flags on people's car antennae. I was worried that the sudden outbreak of patriotism would anger the terrorists even more than they already were and they would attack again almost immediately. I was so scared, I spent much of my time in my room with the radio off. I didn't want to hear the national anthem played for the millionth time. It just caused more anxiety. For the first time in my life, I wished that I didn't live in New York. I really should not have been released from the hospital as soon as I was. I ended up back in there a month later, after an overdose of Geodon. (I took 17 Geodon pills) The anxiety was so bad I thought that if I took more it would subside. It didn't.

On a more uplifting note, in just a few days I will be on the grounds of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Center handing in my couples housing application with my boyfriend. We've been working on gathering documentation to hand in with our applications for quite some time now. I cannot wait for the day that they call and say they have an opening that they'd like us to consider. It will
definitely be a positive change in my life to move in with him. He is a wonderful boyfriend and I always enjoy his company. I am getting some close-to-new furniture from my grandmother when she moves. A set of his and hers dressers and an end table. I am really psyched about getting her fiber optic Christmas tree. I've always wanted to to be able to decorate my own place for the holidays. We might not have our place by Christmas, but I am crossing my fingers that we hear something asap.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Last Breath

My friend is recovering from recent surgery, and that means that she has not been able to work seven days a week as usual. She has repeatedly stated that she is 'so bored.' If she thinks a week of not working is boring, how would she handle eight years? I have been out of work for quite some time. Luckily, I have been able to postpone my student loan payments. Soon I will not be able to do that anymore.

I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.

The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Tropical storm on the way...

Well, tropical storm Hanna is on it's way. I went to the grocery store tonight, like many, and picked up some basic food items so I don't have to go anywhere this weekend. There were no 'hand baskets' left by the entrance as the store was very busy. I took a different way home to bypass all the traffic and I ended up getting slightly lost because one of the roads was totally blocked. It probably would have taken the same amount of time to get home had I sat in the traffic.

I had a really good visit with my boyfriend. He's been working the night shift, so I've been staying up late to be able to talk to him when he gets home. Today I've been really tired, I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon and I might take another one before he calls. I look forward to his call and tonight I will find out when he's going to visit me next.

It's funny that I wrote about cognitive therapy in my last entry, because this past Tuesday my therapist suggested it. He recommended that I purchase a book called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD. If I were to follow through with this therapy, I would have 'homework' to do. I've done this therapy once before in 2005. It involves writing down troubling thoughts and then analyzing them to learn why they are irrational. This process is supposed to train me enough so that my troubling thoughts don't recur or occur as often. That is what I remember from it.

I think I am going to take my nap now.