So I am kind of annoyed/angered by a new show coming out called Mental. They seemed to try to sell the show by playing a new song by The Fray during the commercial advertisement. I just get a bad feeling that this show is going to portray mental illness poorly/in a bad light. If people want to do a show on mental illness they should put a PBS type special on the major networks so more people will get to see the facts. But, I guess that is not entertaining enough. I don't think the show starts until next Tuesday, and I am not sure if I will watch it. I could be wrong, but I am kinda afraid to watch it and get insulted. I probably understand schizophrenia better that the writers of the show do. Unless one or more of the writers are schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is most often portrayed in a very negative light in the media. I am sure most people have seen on the news or heard about at least one person that committed a crime and had a history of mental illness.
This brings me back to a topic of one of my previous posts, Kendra's Law. I really don't feel like rehashing it.
I guess I am a bit sensitive on the subject of mental illness. But I have to live with it. I have to have the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder of the Depressed Type and I have to share that with anyone I get close to at some point in time. I have to deal with their preconceived notions of what schizophrenia is and how schizophrenics are. Many people will probably not get to know me because of society's attitude. I feel cheated.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Letting go...
I called my therapist this morning and she answered. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning at 10. She is about 45 minutes away from me, and there will probably be traffic because I pass the State office building on the way. I am going to wake up very early and consume some caffeine so I will be able to get something out of my session.
I went for two walks today for about 35 minutes each. Walking seems to help my mood quite a bit. I am going to try the treadmill when I join the gym. I don't know if I will like it as much as I do at the walking park.
I had a dream last night that involved me vomiting, I am not sure if it was blood but I remember it being very red. I looked up what vomiting in a dream meant. It said something about needing to confront and let go of certain concepts or emotions. The dream involved my mother and the toxic effects she has had on me during my childhood. So I take it that I should confront my emotions about her and the past and try to let go of them. I think I have done some confronting but not so much letting go. Perhaps the blood symbolized toxins that are hurting me to this day. I find dreams very interesting. I often have dreams in which I dial 911. They are scary, usually involving someone trying to break in my childhood home. I wake up right after I dial 911.
Lately my mother has been very friendly towards me. I cannot let myself get fooled. I have been fooled before and hurt very badly. I have to protect myself from getting close to her because sooner or later she will do or say something that will hurt me again. My last therapist, Jeanne, warned me. She told me to imagine an invisible shield around me when I am with my parents. It is a shame because despite how much they've hurt me I still love them and still seek their love/approval.
Speaking of vulnerability, I am a bit nervous about opening up to my therapist. I've only been seeing her for a few months. I am afraid of getting dependent on her and then having that be taken away from me. Like my last therapist, who dropped her practice near me. I guess it's the old fear of abandonment issue that consistently makes it's appearance in my life. I have to work on that, but I don't know what can be done for it. I've had this issue for practically my entire life. I just don't see it going away anytime soon. As much as I can have fun going out with my friend or boyfriend or sister, I come home alone and my issues resurface. I do not want to 'forget' that I need to work on this stuff. I have appeared happy throughout my life when inside I was hurting badly. I am not hurting as badly as when I was 13/14, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurting now. It's just not as severe (romanticized suicidal ideation). When I was that age I had visions in my head of hanging myself on the tree in my backyard. I don't have those anymore, thankfully.
Well, I think I've written enough for the evening. Night.
I went for two walks today for about 35 minutes each. Walking seems to help my mood quite a bit. I am going to try the treadmill when I join the gym. I don't know if I will like it as much as I do at the walking park.
I had a dream last night that involved me vomiting, I am not sure if it was blood but I remember it being very red. I looked up what vomiting in a dream meant. It said something about needing to confront and let go of certain concepts or emotions. The dream involved my mother and the toxic effects she has had on me during my childhood. So I take it that I should confront my emotions about her and the past and try to let go of them. I think I have done some confronting but not so much letting go. Perhaps the blood symbolized toxins that are hurting me to this day. I find dreams very interesting. I often have dreams in which I dial 911. They are scary, usually involving someone trying to break in my childhood home. I wake up right after I dial 911.
Lately my mother has been very friendly towards me. I cannot let myself get fooled. I have been fooled before and hurt very badly. I have to protect myself from getting close to her because sooner or later she will do or say something that will hurt me again. My last therapist, Jeanne, warned me. She told me to imagine an invisible shield around me when I am with my parents. It is a shame because despite how much they've hurt me I still love them and still seek their love/approval.
Speaking of vulnerability, I am a bit nervous about opening up to my therapist. I've only been seeing her for a few months. I am afraid of getting dependent on her and then having that be taken away from me. Like my last therapist, who dropped her practice near me. I guess it's the old fear of abandonment issue that consistently makes it's appearance in my life. I have to work on that, but I don't know what can be done for it. I've had this issue for practically my entire life. I just don't see it going away anytime soon. As much as I can have fun going out with my friend or boyfriend or sister, I come home alone and my issues resurface. I do not want to 'forget' that I need to work on this stuff. I have appeared happy throughout my life when inside I was hurting badly. I am not hurting as badly as when I was 13/14, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurting now. It's just not as severe (romanticized suicidal ideation). When I was that age I had visions in my head of hanging myself on the tree in my backyard. I don't have those anymore, thankfully.
Well, I think I've written enough for the evening. Night.
Reality sets in
My therapist wants me to move out of my house- to get on a housing list again besides the one for couples housing. Couples housing might take years to get, and she thinks I should apply to move into different supported housing. I don't know if I will do that. Moving is a pretty big deal considering I have a lot of my own furniture now and I can't really afford a moving truck. I am used to where I am, even though I might not always like it. Moving into a house of strangers is not easy.
Sometimes I feel like I need therapy twice a week. The problem is, when I finally get into talking about important stuff that is bothering me, it is time to end the session. If only the sessions were an hour and ten instead of the forty-five minutes. It is important that I look at my watch once during the session so I know how much time I have left. Only once. I usually end up checking it around twenty minutes in.
Lately I have been thinking about my life, not knowing what I should do with it.
I had a nice time going out tonight with my friend. Then I come home and reality sets in.
Perhaps I should call my therapist tomorrow and try to get a sooner appointment. I should probably get to bed now so I can do that mid-morning.
Sometimes I feel like I need therapy twice a week. The problem is, when I finally get into talking about important stuff that is bothering me, it is time to end the session. If only the sessions were an hour and ten instead of the forty-five minutes. It is important that I look at my watch once during the session so I know how much time I have left. Only once. I usually end up checking it around twenty minutes in.
Lately I have been thinking about my life, not knowing what I should do with it.
I had a nice time going out tonight with my friend. Then I come home and reality sets in.
Perhaps I should call my therapist tomorrow and try to get a sooner appointment. I should probably get to bed now so I can do that mid-morning.
Friday, May 15, 2009
What to say
I have not heard anything from the cat shelter I applied to volunteer at. I called yesterday and the secretary told me that my application was forwarded to the person in charge of volunteers and that was all the information she could give me.
Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.
Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.
Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.
Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Rough night/morning
I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.
A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.
I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.
Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.
Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.
My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.
I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.
I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.
A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.
I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.
Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.
Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.
My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.
I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.
I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Some Progress
Today I made some progress in my quest for finding something to do with my time. I went to the all-cat shelter that I had found and filled out a volunteer application. The lady showed me around and the cats are not in cages. They are in a couple of rooms with access to a screened outside area. I saw a beautiful tabby like my Katrina and a beautiful black cat like Spooky, but not as big as Spooky. Spooky is overweight, she eats almost all the food and that's why Katrina remains so tiny. Hopefully I will hear something within the next week or so about starting to volunteer there. It is pretty much right down the road from my therapist Sally, so I put down Thursdays as one of the days I'd like to volunteer.
I am pleased to see that there is a new antipsychotic approved by the FDA. I just read the article that is from my schizophrenia news link. I am not going to risk getting sick again by trying a new drug which might not work. I also read that the new med causes a slight weight gain, which I'd like to avoid. But, if my current drug ever fails me, I know now that there is something new to try.
I was feeling kind of depressed today at my therapy appointment. I spoke a little about why it could be, but I think it is a combination of things. The weather certainly is not helping. It is raining, again.
My sister and her new boyfriend wants to have dinner with me and my boyfriend. I have to speak with her about what she has told her boyfriend, if anything, about me and my boyfriend. Hopefully she has filled him in that we are on disability, or at least that I am. I don't really want there to be an awkwardness at the dinner table if he asks what I do.
I have a number of errands to do tomorrow. At least they will keep me busy. I just got home about fifty minutes ago and I already am tempted to take a nap. I won't let myself do it.
I am pleased to see that there is a new antipsychotic approved by the FDA. I just read the article that is from my schizophrenia news link. I am not going to risk getting sick again by trying a new drug which might not work. I also read that the new med causes a slight weight gain, which I'd like to avoid. But, if my current drug ever fails me, I know now that there is something new to try.
I was feeling kind of depressed today at my therapy appointment. I spoke a little about why it could be, but I think it is a combination of things. The weather certainly is not helping. It is raining, again.
My sister and her new boyfriend wants to have dinner with me and my boyfriend. I have to speak with her about what she has told her boyfriend, if anything, about me and my boyfriend. Hopefully she has filled him in that we are on disability, or at least that I am. I don't really want there to be an awkwardness at the dinner table if he asks what I do.
I have a number of errands to do tomorrow. At least they will keep me busy. I just got home about fifty minutes ago and I already am tempted to take a nap. I won't let myself do it.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Standstill
I haven't posted in a while because not much has really happened in my life the past week. I have not heard about any more employment opportunities. The internship people have yet to contact me, though I might contact them soon to see when they are going to make their decision. Basically, I have very little to do and the constant rain has not been too inspiring.
On a positive note, I found an all-cat animal shelter that is not too far from home. I love cats and have wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter for quite some time but haven't been able to because of my dog allergy. I am allergic to their saliva and their dander. Sometimes I have trouble breathing in a house with a dog that triggers me. I like dogs, and I wish I wasn't allergic. I am going to stop by the cat shelter on Thursday, because I'll be in the neighboring town for therapy that day. I want to fill out an application and start that as soon as possible.
I saw the movie The Soloist on Friday night. It is about a homeless schizophrenic man that plays the cello and is discovered by a newspaper reporter. I thought it was a pretty good movie but I could not relate to his hearing voices. I've read about a study of schizophrenia patients that found that 70% hear voices. Seeing this movie made me realize how terrifying they can be. I am terrified by my paranoia and delusions. Haven't had that in about four years, knock on wood.
Hopefully, one of these days I'll have a set weekly schedule besides therapy and case managers. It is too tempting to sleep when I don't have something that I have to do.
On a positive note, I found an all-cat animal shelter that is not too far from home. I love cats and have wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter for quite some time but haven't been able to because of my dog allergy. I am allergic to their saliva and their dander. Sometimes I have trouble breathing in a house with a dog that triggers me. I like dogs, and I wish I wasn't allergic. I am going to stop by the cat shelter on Thursday, because I'll be in the neighboring town for therapy that day. I want to fill out an application and start that as soon as possible.
I saw the movie The Soloist on Friday night. It is about a homeless schizophrenic man that plays the cello and is discovered by a newspaper reporter. I thought it was a pretty good movie but I could not relate to his hearing voices. I've read about a study of schizophrenia patients that found that 70% hear voices. Seeing this movie made me realize how terrifying they can be. I am terrified by my paranoia and delusions. Haven't had that in about four years, knock on wood.
Hopefully, one of these days I'll have a set weekly schedule besides therapy and case managers. It is too tempting to sleep when I don't have something that I have to do.
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