Letting go...

I called my therapist this morning and she answered. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning at 10. She is about 45 minutes away from me, and there will probably be traffic because I pass the State office building on the way. I am going to wake up very early and consume some caffeine so I will be able to get something out of my session.

I went for two walks today for about 35 minutes each. Walking seems to help my mood quite a bit. I am going to try the treadmill when I join the gym. I don't know if I will like it as much as I do at the walking park.

I had a dream last night that involved me vomiting, I am not sure if it was blood but I remember it being very red. I looked up what vomiting in a dream meant. It said something about needing to confront and let go of certain concepts or emotions. The dream involved my mother and the toxic effects she has had on me during my childhood. So I take it that I should confront my emotions about her and the past and try to let go of them. I think I have done some confronting but not so much letting go. Perhaps the blood symbolized toxins that are hurting me to this day. I find dreams very interesting. I often have dreams in which I dial 911. They are scary, usually involving someone trying to break in my childhood home. I wake up right after I dial 911.

Lately my mother has been very friendly towards me. I cannot let myself get fooled. I have been fooled before and hurt very badly. I have to protect myself from getting close to her because sooner or later she will do or say something that will hurt me again. My last therapist, Jeanne, warned me. She told me to imagine an invisible shield around me when I am with my parents. It is a shame because despite how much they've hurt me I still love them and still seek their love/approval.

Speaking of vulnerability, I am a bit nervous about opening up to my therapist. I've only been seeing her for a few months. I am afraid of getting dependent on her and then having that be taken away from me. Like my last therapist, who dropped her practice near me. I guess it's the old fear of abandonment issue that consistently makes it's appearance in my life. I have to work on that, but I don't know what can be done for it. I've had this issue for practically my entire life. I just don't see it going away anytime soon. As much as I can have fun going out with my friend or boyfriend or sister, I come home alone and my issues resurface. I do not want to 'forget' that I need to work on this stuff. I have appeared happy throughout my life when inside I was hurting badly. I am not hurting as badly as when I was 13/14, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurting now. It's just not as severe (romanticized suicidal ideation). When I was that age I had visions in my head of hanging myself on the tree in my backyard. I don't have those anymore, thankfully.

Well, I think I've written enough for the evening. Night.