City trip and falling ill

Last Wednesday evening, my mom, sister and I fought the crowds and took a train to Manhattan. We had luggage, as we were going to spend the night at my aunt's apartment. My sister's bag was really heavy and as we walked to my aunt's apt, she was struggling. So I offered to take her bag and let her carry my lighter one. Her bag was definitely not easy on the shoulder. And my mom had complained that I packed too much. It took about 50 minutes to walk to my aunt's apartment. By the time we got there, it was 9:30 at night. Then we walked just a few blocks to get some Mexican food for a late dinner.

When it was time to sleep, I had to sleep on my aunt's sofa chair which does not recline. She had a matching foot rest so I was able to stretch my legs a little bit. It was uncomfortable; I kept waking up and I had bad dreams. My sister had to sleep on the couch cushions and had a towel wrapped in a pillowcase as a pillow. She also said that she didn't sleep well.

On Thanksgiving morning, my mom, aunt and I walked to Grand Central station to get dessert and bread for the Thanksgiving dinner we were going to. Later, my mom, sister, and I walked to the parade after it had started. It was a pretty long uphill walk. We could not get close enough to see it so we walked back and watched the remainder on TV. Thankfully we took a taxi to get to Penn Station when it was time to go to my relatives' house. I was pretty wiped out after we walked from the train station to my mom's cousins' house. She lived very close to the train station, but after not getting much sleep and having walked a lot during the morning, I had had enough.

Thanksgiving was a long day, and I got a headache. The food was good, but I would have rather been at home sleeping. On Friday I fell ill with what I think is some sort of virus. I don't know if it's the flu. I did get the flu shot a week before this past one. I just felt really wiped out and tired. I felt like I had a fever, and even got the chills, but my temp was normal. I didn't throw up until last night at midnight. Today I think I am feeling better. I am going to try and go about my normal plans tomorrow which include my case manager driving me to my therapist. I am also supposed to go to my boyfriend's parents' house. I guess it all depends on how I feel when I wake up. I mean- I feel better now, but definitely not 100%. My throat is scratchy and it is getting annoying.

Awkwardness

My dad hired his friend from work, Eric, and my boyfriend to move my grandmother's furniture. Eric is in his early twenties, married, and has a child. Eventually it had to happen- the questions. "What does your daughter do?" My dad said that I used to work at the hospital and he doesn't think I am working right now. Then Eric asked: "How does she pay rent?" My dad just simply said that I share a house with two other women and left it at that.

Trying to appear not mentally ill to someone is harder than one might think. It usually involves a lie that just leads to more and more lies. My dad obviously does not want Eric to know about my situation. However, part of the move involved bringing furniture to my house. Apparently sometime after Eric and my boyfriend moved my furniture into the house, Eric mentioned to my dad that he "knew my house." He said that he used to work for the cable company. I don't know what he knows about my house, except I know that he has either shut off the cable here or dealt with collecting payments from us. We have a terrible record here in terms of paying our cable bill. We are always behind in payments, and for the three years I've been living here, the cable was completely shut off once. My housemates have told the cable company many excuses, such as: "my mother is dying." It is highly possible that one of them has said that she is on disability and is waiting for her next check. My dad felt extremely awkward after Eric mentioned knowing my house. It's a small world apparently.

I feel a little bit bad that my dad tried to hide my situation from Eric. It is just a really awkward situation. I am trying to dig myself out of the whole situation, but I am waiting for civil service to get back to me about my test score and possible interviews. Civil service is my best option for employment, as the benefits are very good. In order for me to get off of disability, I would need a job that is both secure and has good health benefits.

So I have my furniture now and my room looks so much better. I have so much more space to put things. I am pretty happy with my room now, for once.

Psyched for Christmas

Today I totally wiped out my bank account in exchanging a digital photo frame I had bought for my parents for a better quality one. My sister is gong to give me money toward it when she can. In the meantime, the only thing I'll be spending money on is gas. I am very content with what I did, because I beat the Christmas rush and got a really nice present for my parents.

I found out my Christmas present that I am going to get from my sister this year. It's a Virgin Mobile prepaid cell phone called the Wild Card. It's worth about $80. My sister had bought it for herself when her regular cell phone stopped working, then she ended up getting a replacement for the one that broke. So she has no need for it now, and I could use a new prepaid cell phone. I have a model from 2004 that they don't even sell anymore. Sometimes it shuts off by itself (I think it's due to it's age). It will be nice to have a new prepaid cell phone.

I can't wait for Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. It was always a 'happy day' for me growing up. My mom would be extra nice on Christmas and there would be a lot of food. My mom is going to put up her tree this year on the day after Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll be setting up my fiber optic tree though. My housemate has a son that comes over and manages to break a lot of things and I don't want to have to worry about my tree being messed with. My sister and I are going to try and convince my dad to let us open our presents on Christmas Eve because on Christmas day, my dad has to work in the morning and by the time he gets home, my aunt will be at the house. My aunt hates Christmas. Last year was the first year we opened our presents in front of my aunt. I'd like to avoid that scenario this year if possible.

I spoke with Jeanne on the phone today and I told her about how I might try and get the civil service keyboarding job in the future. I would go for full-time. So she said when the time comes, we'd have to work something out in terms of scheduling our appointments. I don't know, if I can do phone sessions then that is likely, but I don't think it will be too feasible to visit her in her office when that time comes. I obviously don't have the job yet, I don't even have my grade so it is way too early to be thinking about that. Dr. K is practically around the corner from me, so I think it would be easier to have visits with him. Working full-time is probably going to be overwhelming for me, especially at first. I haven't worked full-time in about 8 years.

Civil service

Today I took the civil service exam for keyboarding. It was the grammar portion of it- spelling, punctuation, finding errors, etc. The actual typing part of the exam happens on the interview. It had to be one of the easiest tests I have taken. I was the second one finished but I stayed to make sure I didn't make any mistakes on the answer sheet. I am expecting to get a 90 or above. This is good, as it may be very beneficial to me in getting the job.

I really need to work again soon. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for the internship in the spring. I mean if I hear from civil service regarding a job that is not too big of a commute, I should probably go interview for it. If I had a job, I might appreciate weekends more. As of now, I hate the weekend. My boyfriend and friend work weekends. My sister is usually not available, and I don't have a whole lot to do. I can't go shopping (except for food really) because I had that car expense. I ended up taking a nap today, and I don't like doing that because I feel lousy afterward. If I work, I might enjoy having nothing to do on the weekend more than I do now.

Well, there is not much else for me to write about today.

The battle over Thanksgiving

So I had a stressful day. So you must be wondering- how could she have a stressful day when she doesn't even work or do anything? It's true I don't have a routine schedule other than therapy twice a week. It's over Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my sister and I had the idea of having our own Thanksgiving at my house- me, my boyfriend, and my sister. Well, my sister didn't tell my mom anything about our plans, neither did I. So my mom went ahead and made exciting plans to take my sister and I into the city to see the parade and then we'd take a train to my mom's cousin's house for dinner. My sister feels obligated to do that, and I kinda do too. But I really fought for it at my house; my sister and I had planned to make my late grandmother's stuffing recipe.

My grandmother always had Thanksgiving at the house I was growing up in. She made the best stuffing I have ever tasted. Well in 2000, she got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Over time, we lost her, but she was still in our presence. Then the night before last Thanksgiving she passed away from stomach cancer. So all this fighting and stress over Thanksgiving has me grieving all over again. And it just so happens I have two tissues left in my tissue box. Timing like that...

I can't be angry- Alzheimer's and cancer is no one's fault. I guess it was her time to have Thanksgiving in heaven with my grandfather. But I'm angry anyway. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, were a major part of my support system in this world. I feel lost without them. Here is a poem I just wrote:

empty shells on the beach
the seagulls sing my pain
clouds rolling in
my feet are sinking slowly
and you're not here

drowning- the air is scarce
the salt burns my eyes
darkness sets in
my hands are reaching out
but you're not there

Finally I'll end this post with some Tori Amos lyrics:

"And you said
and you did
and you said you would find me here
and you said
you would find me even in death"

Open up your eyes

So I re-read my last blog entry and I have realized that I was sort of blind. My father didn't turn out to be as supportive as I thought he would, unfortunately. He was really mean and cold to me the other day when I brought my car over to be checked out by his mechanic friend. I was told I needed a new car battery, so when my dad came home and found out, he asked me if I had the money to lay out for it. I honestly said yes, but I said it would leave me with like five dollars left for the month. He said I should call up and find out the exact price before I go get it to make sure my rent will still be able to come out of my account. His previous indications of helping me pay for my car went out the window. My boyfriend was with me when all of this happened, and he even said it seemed like my dad was being a jerk. I was greatly upset from my dad's change in level of support, so much so that I started crying in the car on the way home. I was really hurt and in pain. I felt like my dad turned on me and didn't really give a damn if I had enough money to get through the month. I have come to the conclusion that whenever I start to feel positively toward him, he disappoints me. This has happened not only with him, but also with my mother. I really can't count on either one of them, which makes me all the more determined to become financially secure.

I found out that if I am not doing anything job-wise by the spring, and if I ever get the handicapped bus pass, I will be able to do the internship for people with psychiatric disabilities. This would probably be a great opportunity for me. I am waiting to hear back from an old housemate of mine. She went through the internship and is working now.