So I had a stressful day. So you must be wondering- how could she have a stressful day when she doesn't even work or do anything? It's true I don't have a routine schedule other than therapy twice a week. It's over Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my sister and I had the idea of having our own Thanksgiving at my house- me, my boyfriend, and my sister. Well, my sister didn't tell my mom anything about our plans, neither did I. So my mom went ahead and made exciting plans to take my sister and I into the city to see the parade and then we'd take a train to my mom's cousin's house for dinner. My sister feels obligated to do that, and I kinda do too. But I really fought for it at my house; my sister and I had planned to make my late grandmother's stuffing recipe.
My grandmother always had Thanksgiving at the house I was growing up in. She made the best stuffing I have ever tasted. Well in 2000, she got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Over time, we lost her, but she was still in our presence. Then the night before last Thanksgiving she passed away from stomach cancer. So all this fighting and stress over Thanksgiving has me grieving all over again. And it just so happens I have two tissues left in my tissue box. Timing like that...
I can't be angry- Alzheimer's and cancer is no one's fault. I guess it was her time to have Thanksgiving in heaven with my grandfather. But I'm angry anyway. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, were a major part of my support system in this world. I feel lost without them. Here is a poem I just wrote:
empty shells on the beach
the seagulls sing my pain
clouds rolling in
my feet are sinking slowly
and you're not here
drowning- the air is scarce
the salt burns my eyes
darkness sets in
my hands are reaching out
but you're not there
Finally I'll end this post with some Tori Amos lyrics:
"And you said
and you did
and you said you would find me here
and you said
you would find me even in death"
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1 comment:
Hi,
I wrote several months ago, and although I have not left comments since September, I have been following your narrative.
We all make similar discoveries - that our families (and friends, relatives, coworkers etc) are not always what they seem, and I guess the corollary to that is that the closer the relationship (both familial as well as proximate) the more opportunity to hurt, disappoint and cause disillusionment.
You can't change your parents, and obviously expectation increases the possibility of further pain. Have you and your sister (and boyfriend) considered the possibility of having your own Thanksgiving to honor your Grandmother? While the calendar people have determined that Thanksgiving is on Nov 27th this year, Sunday, November 30th might be a lovely day to make that special dressing.
Good luck, Bob
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