Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

I am fortunate that I did not have to sit downstairs in the smoky air to hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters. I normally enjoy giving out the candy and seeing all the little kids in their cute costumes. I never plan on having any children of my own, for several reasons. First and foremost are the stress/money factors, then there is the fact that I am on seven different medications and I'd probably have to go off of the majority of them if I were to get pregnant, finally I don't want to pass on my mental illness to the future generation. It is torture to be schizophrenic in many ways and I don't want to put someone through the suffering that I have experienced.

I was not able to attend the job forum on Tuesday- my car refused to start that morning. I have to get it checked out, my Dad wants to witness the problems I am experiencing before setting up an appointment. Hopefully I will get the chance to do so soon (he works three jobs so it will be difficult). I am very fortunate because it sounds like he is going to pay for the repair. I probably will not be able to afford it. He inspires me to join the workforce- not just because I happen to feel guilty that he pays for my car repairs, but also because he believes in me and he is supportive of my attempts at education/employment. I just spoke with him tonight on the phone about a possible job opportunity and he seemed pretty positive about it. He probably has more confidence in me than I have in myself to be quite honest. I know I have spoken negatively of him earlier in this blog, but there is definitely a positive side to my relationship with him.

I have made a few educational attempts post undergrad work and they didn't pan out, but I faced many obstacles such as living in a group home/community residence and of course the mental illness relapses before and after such residence. I tried a semester of grad school while living in the CR. Probably something that has not been attempted too often. My group home just so happened to be located down the road from a graduate school I was interested in attending. I had decided that I wanted to work in the library science field, possibly doing some sort of archival work. So I applied and was accepted into the Masters of Library Science program. I signed up for three evening courses and took the bus to school and then walked home. There was some sort of conflict with the timing of the termination of class and the bus schedule. I ended up feeling extremely overwhelmed and dropped two of the three classes. I felt bad because I felt like I was letting my father down. I just could not deal with the pressure of school along with the issues of my living situation. I finished the one remaining class with an A but did not return for any other semesters. I knew I couldn't really complete the program taking only one class at a time and the loans I had to take out were way too much for someone on disability.

I found out from my boyfriend's attendance at the job forum that there is a transitional employment program that offers part-time paid internships, resume prep, interviewing skills, networking and on-line job searches for people with psychiatric disabilities. I am waiting for some more info on it, but I have hope that this could be a good thing for me.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Job forum

So I took this bread baking class at my library tonight. It ended up being that the dough was already made for us, and all we had to do was knead it. We got an instruction sheet on how to make it ourselves. So all I have to do now is throw it in the oven and say a prayer that it cooks right.

Tomorrow morning I am going to a job forum for people with psychiatric disabilities. There is going to be a panel of people with psychiatric diagnoses that are currently in the workforce. They will share their success stories and answer any questions. I figure I am going to ask them if they have any advice on what to say during an interview in regards to the big gap on my resume. I have an 8 year one. I have asked job coaches in the past and they never really answered my question. I am taking a test next month in which you need no experience, so I am hoping they don't rely too much on a resume and more on the test score you get when they consider hiring.

My sister is home sick with vertigo. I had that last year- it sucks. She is very eager to try the bread that I am going to bake. I didn't bake it tonight, because I had some phone calls and there is a possibility that I still might go out later. I have to get up early tomorrow so I can get to the job forum, so if I don't end up going out I will get to sleep earlier.

We got a new cesspool here and they tore up our lawn and knocked down a few of our small trees. The yard looks horrible now. There are still a few trees, they were lined up and now there is a big gap amongst them. I am wondering if my housing agency is going to do anything about it. They would definitely do something if the neighbors complained. Recently the neighbor complained about our fence and we got a new one. It figures that the neighbors complaints are more important than the people that have to live in this house.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Flashback

So I am sitting here at my parents' computer and Katrina, the gray/brown tabby is sitting in front of the monitor. I moved the window to the side enough so I can see what I am typing. She is so precious. She sits with her tail curled in front of her paws and looks very content. I have Coldplay on in the background.

I stopped here on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I stayed at his parents' house Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was nice to be away and to be able to spend time with my boyfriend on his days off. He is so much fun to be around. I know I might be repeating myself, but I could never say these things enough. I feel so strongly that I will never tire when it comes to telling him what he means to me. He has this innate ability to make me laugh and I value it so much. Laughter is something I definitely need in my life- I am often stressed out.

Last night my boyfriend's grandfather mentioned he was going to the oncologist today for test results. I ended up having a flashback to when I took my grandfather to the VA for his test results. I can remember clearly the look on his face while we were in that office and got the news. His cancer had spread to various organs and they told him he needed chemo. I had spent a lot of the summer transporting him to doctors and helping him out around the condo. I was really getting to know him and was becoming closer to him than I had ever been. He even told me that I was a great granddaughter. When someone says a statement like that, it really means a lot. It was devastating to find out the bad news and even more devastating to have to spend my final days with him in the hospital. His chemo had made him susceptible to pneumonia, and the pneumonia was what ended up killing him. I went back and forth from extreme grief to numbness. I do not know if I grieved in a healthy manner or if my numbness put a hold on things. Every time I tried to talk about it in therapy, the pain was too much to bear and I ended up telling Jeanne that I couldn't talk about it anymore. Last night, I felt the pain pretty bad again- like a wound that had been reopened. As I wrote in a poem dedicated to him: "You'd say life is hard, well it certainly is hard without you here."

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Lucky

My room is clean- at last. My boyfriend helped me out with it and it took a couple of hours. It is almost complete- I have to better organize my clothes now that they are all clean and out of the hamper, I don't have enough room in my dresser and closet for all of it. I made a donation pile when I was taking out my fall/winter clothes, but I guess I am going to have to donate even more. It astonishes me that someone as poor as myself could have so much clothing. The reason is because I never get rid of anything and it accumulates over the years and each year my case manager takes me for new clothes. I feel guilty for letting go some of my stuff, but I shouldn't because I will be helping someone else out.

I got rid of some of my clothes also because I did lose about 25 pounds since March. I didn't really jump down too many sizes though. That is ok with me, I am happy to have lost the 25 pounds and if I lose more, so be it. Right now I am drinking a Dr. Pepper slurpee from 7-Eleven and listening to Tori Amos. I could be out walking, but I did walk earlier in the day and I am not going to push myself to do anymore. Tomorrow is another day.

Three years ago, I was in the psych ward at this time. It was the last hospitalization I've had. I was at the University Medical Center and they held me in the psych ER for way too long...like four or five days. There is terrible supervision in the ER, you'd think it would be better because that is where they are supposed to evaluate you for admission. Back in 2003, a girl in the ER punched me in the face. No one seemed to see it and when I said something no one gave a damn. She should have been in restraints after that.

The big thing with mental illness is that if you are a danger to others or a danger to yourself you will be held with or without your consent. I was in restraints for several times during my stay in the ER. I was a bit upset how they violently strapped down one of my arms and broke my bracelet in the process. Being in restraints can be a good thing, at least it was for me because it was an escape from all the other potential admissions that were running around. I also got the magic shot that wiped away every last ounce of anxiety from my body. Time seemed to slow down and I became intrigued and entertained by the patterns on the ceiling. When someone would sit in the isolation room with me, I wouldn't end up falling asleep because I'd be a bit nervous with the company. It is very hard to trust anybody, white coat or not, when I am paranoid. When I was finally admitted to the upstairs, I was given a roommate that I ended up keeping in touch with after that stay. She introduced herself to me and we had a lot in common; she also had trouble with trusting the people around us. I was actually able to find an ounce of trust though when it came to my roommate. I was lucky.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sleepy

Well, it's about time that I write another blog entry- I've been slacking. My psychologist, Dr. K, has been falling asleep during my sessions with him. I've observed his head falling down about three times now (different days). I don't know what to think of this...I know I have been pretty quiet in therapy lately. He doesn't actually fall asleep mid-sentence; it happens when I am not speaking. I know he is getting old, but still. I should either change my appointment time or stop going to him altogether. I still have not gotten my handicap bus pass, so I cannot really see Jeanne. My case manager brings me to see Jeanne once a month. All of the other weeks I have phone sessions. Because I don't have reliable transportation to Jeanne, I might change my appointment time with Dr. K and see how that goes.

I have very little motivation today. Most of the day I've spent sleeping or semi-sleeping. I am going to have to start cleaning my room soon, as I am going to be getting my grandmother's furniture in early November. I honestly do not know where I am going to put all my stuff. It is frustrating and my parents don't understand it is a struggle. My mother said to my sister that
my room being messy is a part of my illness and that it is sad, not funny. Jeanne does say I have a bit of OCD when it comes to my room, but I don't think my mom was referring to OCD.

I did get a major increase in foodstamps. I just finished eating some of the macaroni and cheese/chili/cornbread casserole that my sister and I made recently. It is so filling that everytime I eat it my stomach ends up hurting because I should not have taken seconds. It is just so good though. I would go for a walk if I had more motivation. I don't really feel depressed, like I am not sad and hopeless. I just don't feel like doing much today. I didn't have anything planned anyways.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Guilt...

Word on the street is that I am getting a mega increase in foodstamps this month. My housemate is now getting $114, which is about 4 times what I had been getting. I assume I'll get something close to that figure. It is definitely cause for celebration.

The city trip was awesome. There is soo much to do in NYC. I want to go back in the spring for the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. It hadn't started yet while we were in the city. It starts October 13th and lasts through sometime in May. While we were there we went to the Central Park Zoo, took a horse carriage ride, and had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

My mother had said she would take me to see the movie Nights in Rodanthe when it came out. Now she is saying that I should try to go with my sister. I want to see it mainly because I read the book and I find adaptations to be pretty interesting. If I go with my sister, I will have to pay for my own ticket, whereas my mom might have paid for mine. I also doubt my sister will want to see the movie; it doesn't seem like her type of movie. She is more of a horror fan.

I am waiting to hear back from my friend to see if I am going out tonight. My friend will probably not call me back until she gets out of her job. The time of that can vary, but I should know in an hour most likely. We have a habit of meeting up at Applebees once a week. It is always late in the evening when we go.

I can't help but feel a tinge of guilt for having posted about my childhood. I don't want to portray my parents as all evil. My mom was always concerned about other people thinking she was a bad mother. Part of me feels sad that she worried about that, but part of me doesn't believe that was genuine. I think that she might have said that often to make me feel guilty for going to therapy because she tended to say that when she picked me up from my therapy appointments. It was pretty clear she didn't like me going to therapy; she would always ask me if I still felt like I 'really needed' it on our way home from the school that they were doing therapy out of. My mom has her nice moments, and my dad's been sober for almost 12 years now. I think that is what I struggle with the most- the inconsistency in the way my mother treated me. Like I said she had her nice moments, amongst all the bad moments. It made me kind of love her and hate her at the same time. That itself, the love/hate thing, is pure torture. It makes me feel like my head is splitting.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Memories

I am in a pretty good mood. I just got home from cat-sitting. It feels good to be home, even though my housemate has two guests over at once. I am really excited about my trip on Friday. There are so many possibilities when it comes to what we are going to do during the day. I am going to let my boyfriend choose what activities we are going to do. The weather is supposed to be really nice on Friday, no rain in sight.

Another reason why I am in a good mood is because I got paid today. I get two disability checks; a small one on the 1st which is like a supplemental check, and the main one on the 3rd. It feels good to not be completely broke.

In about a month and two weeks, I will be taking a keyboard specialist exam for the state. That test will be grammar- something I am not as confident in as I was in the past. Nonetheless, I think I will do alright. They don't actually test your keyboarding skills until you get an interview. It is an entry-level position, and I am hoping I can get a full-time job out of it. My anxiety is probably the biggest challenge I will face.

My sister and I were looking through old photo albums during the past few nights. I remembered a lot of what I saw in the photos. I remembered best the pictures with my childhood friends, sister, and the toys I got on the holidays/birthdays. My father looked like he had some alcohol in him for a majority of the pictures. He had this weird kind of angry/spaced-out look; he definitely did not look too happy. There weren't really many pictures from after we moved when I was 13. When we moved, everything went downhill. I had no friends, people weren't that interested in becoming friends with me, and my dad lost his job. My mom was at her worst those years. I didn't want to be in school, and I didn't want to be at home. That's kind of an issue when you are too young to own a car and drive. It was also an issue because my mom would not let me go outside for a walk when I wanted to get away. I wanted to get away from her, and she kept me trapped up in my room. I took the majority of the abuse; my sister didn't get attacked as much as I did. I am grateful for that fact, and I am grateful to be out of that house.