Yesterday I was deeply saddened by the news that Michael Jackson had passed away. I was in my dining room, had just finished dinner, when my sister called. I am glad I heard it from her, as she knew how big of fan that I was. I believe I still have the vinyl Thriller record album somewhere at my parents house. I had Bad on cassette tape. And the very first cd I ever bought was Dangerous. At first I couldn't believe it, that he had died. I had thought that he wouldn't pass on until I was in my fifties. I always thought he'd be around for a long time. "Jam" and "Human Nature" were two of my favorite songs by him.
I remember trying to sleep but not being able to filter out the music coming from my living room as my dad played and re-played a videotape of "We Are the World." Every Halloween, I'd bring out my Thriller record and play "Thriller" for the trick-or-treaters. My dad remembered this, as he called me last night to see how I was doing, assuming that I had heard the news. He said he remembered me playing "Thriller" and knew that I was probably upset. He was right. I am pretty choked up over the whole thing. After hearing the news, I was distracted for the whole evening. I woke up this morning and then the realization that it really happened hit me. It wasn't a good feeling.
Just as I had watched the funeral proceedings of Princess Diana, I want to be able to see the public ceremony for Michael Jackson on TV. May he rest in peace.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kittens!
This morning was a rough one, I had some trouble waking up at 7:30. I was supposed to get up at 7, but then I tried for 7:30 and finally I woke up at 7:45. I wanted to have left my house by 7:45. I didn't get out the door until 8:05 am. I went to go volunteer at the cat shelter and they like to start work at around 8:30. I didn't get there until 9. Hopefully next week I will be able to get up earlier so I can get there on time.
I was assigned the 'kitten room.' Boy was I lucky. The kittens are so adorable; this one kitten I liked, Amanda, was all black with the most beautiful green eyes. She was born March 25th. There was a sign on the door with their names and when they were born. It is a lot of work to volunteer at this cat shelter, there is really a lot into the cleaning system there. Different litter, different food, each room has its own mop and broom assigned specifically for that room. I guess the most difficult task was the mopping of the floor, as they want you to dry the floor with a towel as you mop it so the kittens don't get too much into the cleaning fluid. Amanda was very vocal and demanded attention. She also tried to run out of the room several times, and succeeded twice. I have a feeling she might be adopted by the time I get back there next week. I held her up to my shoulder for a while, she really liked to be held. I wish I could adopt her!
So that was my excitement for the day today. My mood has been better lately with much less anxiety. My housemates are not talking to one another, apparently a huge fight went down when I was away this past weekend. My house counselor called a meeting today to try and resolve things between the two of them. It became clear that things will probably be different from now on.
I was assigned the 'kitten room.' Boy was I lucky. The kittens are so adorable; this one kitten I liked, Amanda, was all black with the most beautiful green eyes. She was born March 25th. There was a sign on the door with their names and when they were born. It is a lot of work to volunteer at this cat shelter, there is really a lot into the cleaning system there. Different litter, different food, each room has its own mop and broom assigned specifically for that room. I guess the most difficult task was the mopping of the floor, as they want you to dry the floor with a towel as you mop it so the kittens don't get too much into the cleaning fluid. Amanda was very vocal and demanded attention. She also tried to run out of the room several times, and succeeded twice. I have a feeling she might be adopted by the time I get back there next week. I held her up to my shoulder for a while, she really liked to be held. I wish I could adopt her!
So that was my excitement for the day today. My mood has been better lately with much less anxiety. My housemates are not talking to one another, apparently a huge fight went down when I was away this past weekend. My house counselor called a meeting today to try and resolve things between the two of them. It became clear that things will probably be different from now on.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Poetry
So I've been a bit bored lately, as my boyfriend has been very busy with school, and besides him I have about two irl (in real life) friends. Then there's my sister. My supposed 'best friend' has disappeared for now, something she does often though. I don't know why she won't call me back. :(
I took myself to the library and checked out some books for me to read while I am here in my room. One of the books I took out is: The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, edited by Karen V. Kukil. It is well-known that Sylvia Plath is a poet that committed suicide. She died at the age of 30.
When I would see my old psychologist, Dr. K, I often shared with him some of my poems. Many of my poems are 'dark' and he mentioned to me that some of what I had written seemed to be along the lines of Sylvia Plath. I hadn't read any of her poems, so I started reading some of them online. Some of her poems can be found at http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/. I particularly like "Mirror".
Although I write poetry, I am very uneducated on the subject. I got into poetry when I was suicidal at 14, and wanted an outlet from my pain. One day in the library, many years later, I stumbled across a book of poems by Nikki Giovanni. She is my favorite poet.
I took myself to the library and checked out some books for me to read while I am here in my room. One of the books I took out is: The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, edited by Karen V. Kukil. It is well-known that Sylvia Plath is a poet that committed suicide. She died at the age of 30.
When I would see my old psychologist, Dr. K, I often shared with him some of my poems. Many of my poems are 'dark' and he mentioned to me that some of what I had written seemed to be along the lines of Sylvia Plath. I hadn't read any of her poems, so I started reading some of them online. Some of her poems can be found at http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/. I particularly like "Mirror".
Although I write poetry, I am very uneducated on the subject. I got into poetry when I was suicidal at 14, and wanted an outlet from my pain. One day in the library, many years later, I stumbled across a book of poems by Nikki Giovanni. She is my favorite poet.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
To me it did
Tonight I went to a NAMI peer-to-peer meeting and shared some of my story of what happened to my life when I got sick. The emotions I felt while I was sharing were pretty strong. Honestly for the past ten years I've been trying so hard to live a "semi-normal" life. It is frustrating to keep making attempts to find a job or volunteer and not succeed at it. I went to the cat shelter yesterday and was overwhelmed with all the tasks they want me to do. There are about thirty cats roaming around three rooms. I think I am going to call back the lady and ask her if I can do the socialization day instead. Right now I am dealing with some anxiety and trying to get back on track. I do want to have something productive to do, so I am going to see if I can still volunteer.
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, meaning, I am not comfortable living my life. I am afraid that I will be a failure to my family and to myself. I wish my dad could tell my grandmother that I got a job, or something else that would make her proud. My late grandfather was happy that I was such a good granddaughter, but I was able to help him out a lot. My one remaining grandmother is in Arizona and I cannot help her. My cousin, the shining star of the family, just passed the bar and is a lawyer now. She was the first grandchild to get married too. My grandparents on my mom's side were like parents to me. I feel bad that my mom's parents didn't even get to meet my current boyfriend. My grandfather would be happy that I am no longer with my ex. One of the last conversations my grandfather and I had was if I was seeing my ex a lot at the time. I told him "just once in a while." He said "good."
All I ever wanted was to make my family proud of me. I guess it shouldn't matter. But to me it did.
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, meaning, I am not comfortable living my life. I am afraid that I will be a failure to my family and to myself. I wish my dad could tell my grandmother that I got a job, or something else that would make her proud. My late grandfather was happy that I was such a good granddaughter, but I was able to help him out a lot. My one remaining grandmother is in Arizona and I cannot help her. My cousin, the shining star of the family, just passed the bar and is a lawyer now. She was the first grandchild to get married too. My grandparents on my mom's side were like parents to me. I feel bad that my mom's parents didn't even get to meet my current boyfriend. My grandfather would be happy that I am no longer with my ex. One of the last conversations my grandfather and I had was if I was seeing my ex a lot at the time. I told him "just once in a while." He said "good."
All I ever wanted was to make my family proud of me. I guess it shouldn't matter. But to me it did.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Repeat patient
So now that I am home again, I have lots of time to fill. In the hospital I was coloring in little kids coloring books with crayons and colored pencils. It is a good way to kill time when you're waiting for your doctor or your night-time meds.
I recently bought a book called "The Ultimate Tea Diet." So I was reading some of that today. I bought it for the extensive information about tea- I find it very interesting. I am a tea lover, in particular, black teas. I enjoy the Tazo 'Awake' tea at Starbucks and Chai lattes. I can drink caffeinated or decaf. However, if I have an appointment to go to, I'll drink caffeinated so I am alert. My new dosage of meds is making me a bit tired and I made the mistake of drinking decaf the day of my last therapy session. I was pretty knocked out and did not get much out of the therapy session at all.
I got a little bit annoyed at my therapist during my last session. It was the first time I'd seen her since the hospital. I felt the questions were annoying, especially when she started on the topic of my housing situation. She wants me to call my house counselor, she even offered to do it for me. She wants me to work on my issues with my housemates and apply for different housing until I can get couples housing. I don't want to do this. My issues with my housemates have been ongoing since I moved in, and talking to the counselor will most likely make life a living hell for me here. My housemates are very immature for their age, and they have been known to retaliate toward one another when someone speaks up to the counselor. They will make up stuff, especially the older one. I don't need that b.s. I really don't. The best thing for me to do is continue keeping food in my storage bin in my room, getting out of the house often, and hoping and praying that my boyfriend and I hear from couples housing.
I am not looking forward to my next therapy session, because I will not have done what she was pressuring me to do. She however cannot call my counselor without my permission unless I intend on hurting myself or hurting someone else. Gotta love confidentiality.
The big question of the day/moment is: Am I depressed? I think I am to an extent. It always seems to happen when I come home from the hospital and back to my lovely reality. It would explain why I was irritable in my last therapy session. And why I am so pessimistic about my future with this therapist at the moment. When I first started going to her, I was raving about how she is such a good therapist, with all her questions and analysis.
I am upset I missed the Coldplay concert.
Basically I think I saved myself from a psychotic episode that was waiting to happen. I started becoming a bit manic, and my nightmares and lack of sleep were indicative of problems ahead. Lack of sleep was what preceded my very first hospitalization. You begin to learn to recognize your symptoms when you are a repeat patient. Well, at least I have. The progression into psychosis for me usually consists of being manic/lack of sleep/anxiety.
Tuesday morning I have training for becoming a volunteer at the all-cat shelter. Hopefully I will be able to get up early ok. I have my psychiatrist that afternoon, so it shall be a busy day.
I recently bought a book called "The Ultimate Tea Diet." So I was reading some of that today. I bought it for the extensive information about tea- I find it very interesting. I am a tea lover, in particular, black teas. I enjoy the Tazo 'Awake' tea at Starbucks and Chai lattes. I can drink caffeinated or decaf. However, if I have an appointment to go to, I'll drink caffeinated so I am alert. My new dosage of meds is making me a bit tired and I made the mistake of drinking decaf the day of my last therapy session. I was pretty knocked out and did not get much out of the therapy session at all.
I got a little bit annoyed at my therapist during my last session. It was the first time I'd seen her since the hospital. I felt the questions were annoying, especially when she started on the topic of my housing situation. She wants me to call my house counselor, she even offered to do it for me. She wants me to work on my issues with my housemates and apply for different housing until I can get couples housing. I don't want to do this. My issues with my housemates have been ongoing since I moved in, and talking to the counselor will most likely make life a living hell for me here. My housemates are very immature for their age, and they have been known to retaliate toward one another when someone speaks up to the counselor. They will make up stuff, especially the older one. I don't need that b.s. I really don't. The best thing for me to do is continue keeping food in my storage bin in my room, getting out of the house often, and hoping and praying that my boyfriend and I hear from couples housing.
I am not looking forward to my next therapy session, because I will not have done what she was pressuring me to do. She however cannot call my counselor without my permission unless I intend on hurting myself or hurting someone else. Gotta love confidentiality.
The big question of the day/moment is: Am I depressed? I think I am to an extent. It always seems to happen when I come home from the hospital and back to my lovely reality. It would explain why I was irritable in my last therapy session. And why I am so pessimistic about my future with this therapist at the moment. When I first started going to her, I was raving about how she is such a good therapist, with all her questions and analysis.
I am upset I missed the Coldplay concert.
Basically I think I saved myself from a psychotic episode that was waiting to happen. I started becoming a bit manic, and my nightmares and lack of sleep were indicative of problems ahead. Lack of sleep was what preceded my very first hospitalization. You begin to learn to recognize your symptoms when you are a repeat patient. Well, at least I have. The progression into psychosis for me usually consists of being manic/lack of sleep/anxiety.
Tuesday morning I have training for becoming a volunteer at the all-cat shelter. Hopefully I will be able to get up early ok. I have my psychiatrist that afternoon, so it shall be a busy day.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Back from the hospital
I haven't written a post in so long because I was in the psych ward for a week. I started having trouble sleeping with nightmares and only a few hours of sleep, so I called my psychiatrist to see if I could come in to see her. The secretary said that she was triple booked, so- no. They told me that my psychiatrist was working in the hospital that weekend, so I checked myself in.
The hospital wasn't as bad as the last one I was in. I ended up losing my pajama pants- my boyfriend brought them in and because they had strings, I wasn't allowed to have them. They held them at the desk and he forgot to pick them up on his way out. We realized this after I was discharged and called to see if they still had them but they could not find them.
I missed the Coldplay concert, but it was important that I kept myself healthy.
I am having some difficulty with the pharmacy, they are trying to get in touch with my doctor because she wrote my prescription in such a way that my insurance company will not pay for the medicine. I've been cutting my pills that are a larger dose to make up for not getting my meds. I hope I will have them by tomorrow- I've already waited the whole weekend.
The hospital wasn't as bad as the last one I was in. I ended up losing my pajama pants- my boyfriend brought them in and because they had strings, I wasn't allowed to have them. They held them at the desk and he forgot to pick them up on his way out. We realized this after I was discharged and called to see if they still had them but they could not find them.
I missed the Coldplay concert, but it was important that I kept myself healthy.
I am having some difficulty with the pharmacy, they are trying to get in touch with my doctor because she wrote my prescription in such a way that my insurance company will not pay for the medicine. I've been cutting my pills that are a larger dose to make up for not getting my meds. I hope I will have them by tomorrow- I've already waited the whole weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
