So, I got through Christmas. I didn't think it would be that much of a challenge, but when it came to seeing my aunt, it was. My mother's sister is very loud, says you know after everything she says and waits for a response to that, and tries to get me involved in everything she does. I tried to avoid the you know questions and getting involved in what she was doing, but it took me pretending to sleep in my parents' room with the lights out to be free. That was actually my mom's suggestion- she saw that my aunt was getting on my nerves. My mom can have some smart ideas once in a while. I am grateful that my mother raised me and not my aunt. If my aunt raised me, I'd have OCD and I'd be a nervous wreck most of the time. I'd probably have my schizoaffective disorder as well. Not that I don't have anxiety from my mom having raised me. And I do have some perfectionism issues. I hate to say it, but it was a good thing my aunt did not have kids.
Over the weekend, I made the mistake of seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I am not going to spoil it for anyone, but I must warn anyone that is going to see it that it is very depressing. In fact it was the most depressing movie I have seen in my entire life. Movies I have found to be depressing/sad in the past include E.T., the Titanic, Forrest Gump, and Girl Interrupted. I am sure there are more that I am not remembering. The latter two had me crying. I saw Titanic in day program so I don't think I fully got into it enough to cry. Girl Interrupted hit me on a personal level, perhaps those without mental illness would not find it as sad as I did.
New Year's should be fun. I am going to drive to Montauk lighthouse with my boyfriend very early in the morning but the purpose it to get to watch the first sunrise of the year from an excellent location. I have to check the weather to make sure my boyfriend and I can see the sunrise and it's not too cloudy. My housemates are going to be gone, which is another cool thing. It is a rare occurrence that I have the house to myself.
I have a lot of laundry to do. I was sick right before Christmas and did not do any. I got some clothes for Christmas that held me over...but it is time.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Trying
I have been aware that I had not written a blog post yet this month, but I just wasn't sure that I had anything substantial to write about. My boyfriend left my house around 5:30 this morning, and he was running late to work. We had a good visit. I was a little cranky yesterday and then again at 4 this morning, but other than that things went well.
I felt bad about having been cranky and so I slept the day away today. Some people would probably say that I was depressed, so I guess that's what it was. I don't know. For me, my memories of depression involve being morbidly obsessed with suicide and predictions of a very short lifespan. I am not like that now, which is a good thing. I guess I just don't understand mild depression. Just like I don't understand someone being slightly paranoid. I am not paranoid now, thankfully, but perhaps I am mildly depressed a lot of the time and not even aware of it.
I am not sure I understand the concept of happiness.
I understand that some people believe that life is what you make of it. I guess I didn't do too well making something of my life. Maybe it's because I have been chemically unbalanced for the majority of my time on earth so far. I probably have more of a chance now that I have ever had. There is a part of me that is trying.
I felt bad about having been cranky and so I slept the day away today. Some people would probably say that I was depressed, so I guess that's what it was. I don't know. For me, my memories of depression involve being morbidly obsessed with suicide and predictions of a very short lifespan. I am not like that now, which is a good thing. I guess I just don't understand mild depression. Just like I don't understand someone being slightly paranoid. I am not paranoid now, thankfully, but perhaps I am mildly depressed a lot of the time and not even aware of it.
I am not sure I understand the concept of happiness.
I understand that some people believe that life is what you make of it. I guess I didn't do too well making something of my life. Maybe it's because I have been chemically unbalanced for the majority of my time on earth so far. I probably have more of a chance now that I have ever had. There is a part of me that is trying.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
City trip and falling ill
Last Wednesday evening, my mom, sister and I fought the crowds and took a train to Manhattan. We had luggage, as we were going to spend the night at my aunt's apartment. My sister's bag was really heavy and as we walked to my aunt's apt, she was struggling. So I offered to take her bag and let her carry my lighter one. Her bag was definitely not easy on the shoulder. And my mom had complained that I packed too much. It took about 50 minutes to walk to my aunt's apartment. By the time we got there, it was 9:30 at night. Then we walked just a few blocks to get some Mexican food for a late dinner.
When it was time to sleep, I had to sleep on my aunt's sofa chair which does not recline. She had a matching foot rest so I was able to stretch my legs a little bit. It was uncomfortable; I kept waking up and I had bad dreams. My sister had to sleep on the couch cushions and had a towel wrapped in a pillowcase as a pillow. She also said that she didn't sleep well.
On Thanksgiving morning, my mom, aunt and I walked to Grand Central station to get dessert and bread for the Thanksgiving dinner we were going to. Later, my mom, sister, and I walked to the parade after it had started. It was a pretty long uphill walk. We could not get close enough to see it so we walked back and watched the remainder on TV. Thankfully we took a taxi to get to Penn Station when it was time to go to my relatives' house. I was pretty wiped out after we walked from the train station to my mom's cousins' house. She lived very close to the train station, but after not getting much sleep and having walked a lot during the morning, I had had enough.
Thanksgiving was a long day, and I got a headache. The food was good, but I would have rather been at home sleeping. On Friday I fell ill with what I think is some sort of virus. I don't know if it's the flu. I did get the flu shot a week before this past one. I just felt really wiped out and tired. I felt like I had a fever, and even got the chills, but my temp was normal. I didn't throw up until last night at midnight. Today I think I am feeling better. I am going to try and go about my normal plans tomorrow which include my case manager driving me to my therapist. I am also supposed to go to my boyfriend's parents' house. I guess it all depends on how I feel when I wake up. I mean- I feel better now, but definitely not 100%. My throat is scratchy and it is getting annoying.
When it was time to sleep, I had to sleep on my aunt's sofa chair which does not recline. She had a matching foot rest so I was able to stretch my legs a little bit. It was uncomfortable; I kept waking up and I had bad dreams. My sister had to sleep on the couch cushions and had a towel wrapped in a pillowcase as a pillow. She also said that she didn't sleep well.
On Thanksgiving morning, my mom, aunt and I walked to Grand Central station to get dessert and bread for the Thanksgiving dinner we were going to. Later, my mom, sister, and I walked to the parade after it had started. It was a pretty long uphill walk. We could not get close enough to see it so we walked back and watched the remainder on TV. Thankfully we took a taxi to get to Penn Station when it was time to go to my relatives' house. I was pretty wiped out after we walked from the train station to my mom's cousins' house. She lived very close to the train station, but after not getting much sleep and having walked a lot during the morning, I had had enough.
Thanksgiving was a long day, and I got a headache. The food was good, but I would have rather been at home sleeping. On Friday I fell ill with what I think is some sort of virus. I don't know if it's the flu. I did get the flu shot a week before this past one. I just felt really wiped out and tired. I felt like I had a fever, and even got the chills, but my temp was normal. I didn't throw up until last night at midnight. Today I think I am feeling better. I am going to try and go about my normal plans tomorrow which include my case manager driving me to my therapist. I am also supposed to go to my boyfriend's parents' house. I guess it all depends on how I feel when I wake up. I mean- I feel better now, but definitely not 100%. My throat is scratchy and it is getting annoying.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Awkwardness
My dad hired his friend from work, Eric, and my boyfriend to move my grandmother's furniture. Eric is in his early twenties, married, and has a child. Eventually it had to happen- the questions. "What does your daughter do?" My dad said that I used to work at the hospital and he doesn't think I am working right now. Then Eric asked: "How does she pay rent?" My dad just simply said that I share a house with two other women and left it at that.
Trying to appear not mentally ill to someone is harder than one might think. It usually involves a lie that just leads to more and more lies. My dad obviously does not want Eric to know about my situation. However, part of the move involved bringing furniture to my house. Apparently sometime after Eric and my boyfriend moved my furniture into the house, Eric mentioned to my dad that he "knew my house." He said that he used to work for the cable company. I don't know what he knows about my house, except I know that he has either shut off the cable here or dealt with collecting payments from us. We have a terrible record here in terms of paying our cable bill. We are always behind in payments, and for the three years I've been living here, the cable was completely shut off once. My housemates have told the cable company many excuses, such as: "my mother is dying." It is highly possible that one of them has said that she is on disability and is waiting for her next check. My dad felt extremely awkward after Eric mentioned knowing my house. It's a small world apparently.
I feel a little bit bad that my dad tried to hide my situation from Eric. It is just a really awkward situation. I am trying to dig myself out of the whole situation, but I am waiting for civil service to get back to me about my test score and possible interviews. Civil service is my best option for employment, as the benefits are very good. In order for me to get off of disability, I would need a job that is both secure and has good health benefits.
So I have my furniture now and my room looks so much better. I have so much more space to put things. I am pretty happy with my room now, for once.
Trying to appear not mentally ill to someone is harder than one might think. It usually involves a lie that just leads to more and more lies. My dad obviously does not want Eric to know about my situation. However, part of the move involved bringing furniture to my house. Apparently sometime after Eric and my boyfriend moved my furniture into the house, Eric mentioned to my dad that he "knew my house." He said that he used to work for the cable company. I don't know what he knows about my house, except I know that he has either shut off the cable here or dealt with collecting payments from us. We have a terrible record here in terms of paying our cable bill. We are always behind in payments, and for the three years I've been living here, the cable was completely shut off once. My housemates have told the cable company many excuses, such as: "my mother is dying." It is highly possible that one of them has said that she is on disability and is waiting for her next check. My dad felt extremely awkward after Eric mentioned knowing my house. It's a small world apparently.
I feel a little bit bad that my dad tried to hide my situation from Eric. It is just a really awkward situation. I am trying to dig myself out of the whole situation, but I am waiting for civil service to get back to me about my test score and possible interviews. Civil service is my best option for employment, as the benefits are very good. In order for me to get off of disability, I would need a job that is both secure and has good health benefits.
So I have my furniture now and my room looks so much better. I have so much more space to put things. I am pretty happy with my room now, for once.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Psyched for Christmas
Today I totally wiped out my bank account in exchanging a digital photo frame I had bought for my parents for a better quality one. My sister is gong to give me money toward it when she can. In the meantime, the only thing I'll be spending money on is gas. I am very content with what I did, because I beat the Christmas rush and got a really nice present for my parents.
I found out my Christmas present that I am going to get from my sister this year. It's a Virgin Mobile prepaid cell phone called the Wild Card. It's worth about $80. My sister had bought it for herself when her regular cell phone stopped working, then she ended up getting a replacement for the one that broke. So she has no need for it now, and I could use a new prepaid cell phone. I have a model from 2004 that they don't even sell anymore. Sometimes it shuts off by itself (I think it's due to it's age). It will be nice to have a new prepaid cell phone.
I can't wait for Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. It was always a 'happy day' for me growing up. My mom would be extra nice on Christmas and there would be a lot of food. My mom is going to put up her tree this year on the day after Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll be setting up my fiber optic tree though. My housemate has a son that comes over and manages to break a lot of things and I don't want to have to worry about my tree being messed with. My sister and I are going to try and convince my dad to let us open our presents on Christmas Eve because on Christmas day, my dad has to work in the morning and by the time he gets home, my aunt will be at the house. My aunt hates Christmas. Last year was the first year we opened our presents in front of my aunt. I'd like to avoid that scenario this year if possible.
I spoke with Jeanne on the phone today and I told her about how I might try and get the civil service keyboarding job in the future. I would go for full-time. So she said when the time comes, we'd have to work something out in terms of scheduling our appointments. I don't know, if I can do phone sessions then that is likely, but I don't think it will be too feasible to visit her in her office when that time comes. I obviously don't have the job yet, I don't even have my grade so it is way too early to be thinking about that. Dr. K is practically around the corner from me, so I think it would be easier to have visits with him. Working full-time is probably going to be overwhelming for me, especially at first. I haven't worked full-time in about 8 years.
I found out my Christmas present that I am going to get from my sister this year. It's a Virgin Mobile prepaid cell phone called the Wild Card. It's worth about $80. My sister had bought it for herself when her regular cell phone stopped working, then she ended up getting a replacement for the one that broke. So she has no need for it now, and I could use a new prepaid cell phone. I have a model from 2004 that they don't even sell anymore. Sometimes it shuts off by itself (I think it's due to it's age). It will be nice to have a new prepaid cell phone.
I can't wait for Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. It was always a 'happy day' for me growing up. My mom would be extra nice on Christmas and there would be a lot of food. My mom is going to put up her tree this year on the day after Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll be setting up my fiber optic tree though. My housemate has a son that comes over and manages to break a lot of things and I don't want to have to worry about my tree being messed with. My sister and I are going to try and convince my dad to let us open our presents on Christmas Eve because on Christmas day, my dad has to work in the morning and by the time he gets home, my aunt will be at the house. My aunt hates Christmas. Last year was the first year we opened our presents in front of my aunt. I'd like to avoid that scenario this year if possible.
I spoke with Jeanne on the phone today and I told her about how I might try and get the civil service keyboarding job in the future. I would go for full-time. So she said when the time comes, we'd have to work something out in terms of scheduling our appointments. I don't know, if I can do phone sessions then that is likely, but I don't think it will be too feasible to visit her in her office when that time comes. I obviously don't have the job yet, I don't even have my grade so it is way too early to be thinking about that. Dr. K is practically around the corner from me, so I think it would be easier to have visits with him. Working full-time is probably going to be overwhelming for me, especially at first. I haven't worked full-time in about 8 years.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Civil service
Today I took the civil service exam for keyboarding. It was the grammar portion of it- spelling, punctuation, finding errors, etc. The actual typing part of the exam happens on the interview. It had to be one of the easiest tests I have taken. I was the second one finished but I stayed to make sure I didn't make any mistakes on the answer sheet. I am expecting to get a 90 or above. This is good, as it may be very beneficial to me in getting the job.
I really need to work again soon. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for the internship in the spring. I mean if I hear from civil service regarding a job that is not too big of a commute, I should probably go interview for it. If I had a job, I might appreciate weekends more. As of now, I hate the weekend. My boyfriend and friend work weekends. My sister is usually not available, and I don't have a whole lot to do. I can't go shopping (except for food really) because I had that car expense. I ended up taking a nap today, and I don't like doing that because I feel lousy afterward. If I work, I might enjoy having nothing to do on the weekend more than I do now.
Well, there is not much else for me to write about today.
I really need to work again soon. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for the internship in the spring. I mean if I hear from civil service regarding a job that is not too big of a commute, I should probably go interview for it. If I had a job, I might appreciate weekends more. As of now, I hate the weekend. My boyfriend and friend work weekends. My sister is usually not available, and I don't have a whole lot to do. I can't go shopping (except for food really) because I had that car expense. I ended up taking a nap today, and I don't like doing that because I feel lousy afterward. If I work, I might enjoy having nothing to do on the weekend more than I do now.
Well, there is not much else for me to write about today.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The battle over Thanksgiving
So I had a stressful day. So you must be wondering- how could she have a stressful day when she doesn't even work or do anything? It's true I don't have a routine schedule other than therapy twice a week. It's over Thanksgiving. A few weeks ago, my sister and I had the idea of having our own Thanksgiving at my house- me, my boyfriend, and my sister. Well, my sister didn't tell my mom anything about our plans, neither did I. So my mom went ahead and made exciting plans to take my sister and I into the city to see the parade and then we'd take a train to my mom's cousin's house for dinner. My sister feels obligated to do that, and I kinda do too. But I really fought for it at my house; my sister and I had planned to make my late grandmother's stuffing recipe.
My grandmother always had Thanksgiving at the house I was growing up in. She made the best stuffing I have ever tasted. Well in 2000, she got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Over time, we lost her, but she was still in our presence. Then the night before last Thanksgiving she passed away from stomach cancer. So all this fighting and stress over Thanksgiving has me grieving all over again. And it just so happens I have two tissues left in my tissue box. Timing like that...
I can't be angry- Alzheimer's and cancer is no one's fault. I guess it was her time to have Thanksgiving in heaven with my grandfather. But I'm angry anyway. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, were a major part of my support system in this world. I feel lost without them. Here is a poem I just wrote:
empty shells on the beach
the seagulls sing my pain
clouds rolling in
my feet are sinking slowly
and you're not here
drowning- the air is scarce
the salt burns my eyes
darkness sets in
my hands are reaching out
but you're not there
Finally I'll end this post with some Tori Amos lyrics:
"And you said
and you did
and you said you would find me here
and you said
you would find me even in death"
My grandmother always had Thanksgiving at the house I was growing up in. She made the best stuffing I have ever tasted. Well in 2000, she got diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Over time, we lost her, but she was still in our presence. Then the night before last Thanksgiving she passed away from stomach cancer. So all this fighting and stress over Thanksgiving has me grieving all over again. And it just so happens I have two tissues left in my tissue box. Timing like that...
I can't be angry- Alzheimer's and cancer is no one's fault. I guess it was her time to have Thanksgiving in heaven with my grandfather. But I'm angry anyway. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, were a major part of my support system in this world. I feel lost without them. Here is a poem I just wrote:
empty shells on the beach
the seagulls sing my pain
clouds rolling in
my feet are sinking slowly
and you're not here
drowning- the air is scarce
the salt burns my eyes
darkness sets in
my hands are reaching out
but you're not there
Finally I'll end this post with some Tori Amos lyrics:
"And you said
and you did
and you said you would find me here
and you said
you would find me even in death"
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Open up your eyes
So I re-read my last blog entry and I have realized that I was sort of blind. My father didn't turn out to be as supportive as I thought he would, unfortunately. He was really mean and cold to me the other day when I brought my car over to be checked out by his mechanic friend. I was told I needed a new car battery, so when my dad came home and found out, he asked me if I had the money to lay out for it. I honestly said yes, but I said it would leave me with like five dollars left for the month. He said I should call up and find out the exact price before I go get it to make sure my rent will still be able to come out of my account. His previous indications of helping me pay for my car went out the window. My boyfriend was with me when all of this happened, and he even said it seemed like my dad was being a jerk. I was greatly upset from my dad's change in level of support, so much so that I started crying in the car on the way home. I was really hurt and in pain. I felt like my dad turned on me and didn't really give a damn if I had enough money to get through the month. I have come to the conclusion that whenever I start to feel positively toward him, he disappoints me. This has happened not only with him, but also with my mother. I really can't count on either one of them, which makes me all the more determined to become financially secure.
I found out that if I am not doing anything job-wise by the spring, and if I ever get the handicapped bus pass, I will be able to do the internship for people with psychiatric disabilities. This would probably be a great opportunity for me. I am waiting to hear back from an old housemate of mine. She went through the internship and is working now.
I found out that if I am not doing anything job-wise by the spring, and if I ever get the handicapped bus pass, I will be able to do the internship for people with psychiatric disabilities. This would probably be a great opportunity for me. I am waiting to hear back from an old housemate of mine. She went through the internship and is working now.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween!
I am fortunate that I did not have to sit downstairs in the smoky air to hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters. I normally enjoy giving out the candy and seeing all the little kids in their cute costumes. I never plan on having any children of my own, for several reasons. First and foremost are the stress/money factors, then there is the fact that I am on seven different medications and I'd probably have to go off of the majority of them if I were to get pregnant, finally I don't want to pass on my mental illness to the future generation. It is torture to be schizophrenic in many ways and I don't want to put someone through the suffering that I have experienced.
I was not able to attend the job forum on Tuesday- my car refused to start that morning. I have to get it checked out, my Dad wants to witness the problems I am experiencing before setting up an appointment. Hopefully I will get the chance to do so soon (he works three jobs so it will be difficult). I am very fortunate because it sounds like he is going to pay for the repair. I probably will not be able to afford it. He inspires me to join the workforce- not just because I happen to feel guilty that he pays for my car repairs, but also because he believes in me and he is supportive of my attempts at education/employment. I just spoke with him tonight on the phone about a possible job opportunity and he seemed pretty positive about it. He probably has more confidence in me than I have in myself to be quite honest. I know I have spoken negatively of him earlier in this blog, but there is definitely a positive side to my relationship with him.
I have made a few educational attempts post undergrad work and they didn't pan out, but I faced many obstacles such as living in a group home/community residence and of course the mental illness relapses before and after such residence. I tried a semester of grad school while living in the CR. Probably something that has not been attempted too often. My group home just so happened to be located down the road from a graduate school I was interested in attending. I had decided that I wanted to work in the library science field, possibly doing some sort of archival work. So I applied and was accepted into the Masters of Library Science program. I signed up for three evening courses and took the bus to school and then walked home. There was some sort of conflict with the timing of the termination of class and the bus schedule. I ended up feeling extremely overwhelmed and dropped two of the three classes. I felt bad because I felt like I was letting my father down. I just could not deal with the pressure of school along with the issues of my living situation. I finished the one remaining class with an A but did not return for any other semesters. I knew I couldn't really complete the program taking only one class at a time and the loans I had to take out were way too much for someone on disability.
I found out from my boyfriend's attendance at the job forum that there is a transitional employment program that offers part-time paid internships, resume prep, interviewing skills, networking and on-line job searches for people with psychiatric disabilities. I am waiting for some more info on it, but I have hope that this could be a good thing for me.
I was not able to attend the job forum on Tuesday- my car refused to start that morning. I have to get it checked out, my Dad wants to witness the problems I am experiencing before setting up an appointment. Hopefully I will get the chance to do so soon (he works three jobs so it will be difficult). I am very fortunate because it sounds like he is going to pay for the repair. I probably will not be able to afford it. He inspires me to join the workforce- not just because I happen to feel guilty that he pays for my car repairs, but also because he believes in me and he is supportive of my attempts at education/employment. I just spoke with him tonight on the phone about a possible job opportunity and he seemed pretty positive about it. He probably has more confidence in me than I have in myself to be quite honest. I know I have spoken negatively of him earlier in this blog, but there is definitely a positive side to my relationship with him.
I have made a few educational attempts post undergrad work and they didn't pan out, but I faced many obstacles such as living in a group home/community residence and of course the mental illness relapses before and after such residence. I tried a semester of grad school while living in the CR. Probably something that has not been attempted too often. My group home just so happened to be located down the road from a graduate school I was interested in attending. I had decided that I wanted to work in the library science field, possibly doing some sort of archival work. So I applied and was accepted into the Masters of Library Science program. I signed up for three evening courses and took the bus to school and then walked home. There was some sort of conflict with the timing of the termination of class and the bus schedule. I ended up feeling extremely overwhelmed and dropped two of the three classes. I felt bad because I felt like I was letting my father down. I just could not deal with the pressure of school along with the issues of my living situation. I finished the one remaining class with an A but did not return for any other semesters. I knew I couldn't really complete the program taking only one class at a time and the loans I had to take out were way too much for someone on disability.
I found out from my boyfriend's attendance at the job forum that there is a transitional employment program that offers part-time paid internships, resume prep, interviewing skills, networking and on-line job searches for people with psychiatric disabilities. I am waiting for some more info on it, but I have hope that this could be a good thing for me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Job forum
So I took this bread baking class at my library tonight. It ended up being that the dough was already made for us, and all we had to do was knead it. We got an instruction sheet on how to make it ourselves. So all I have to do now is throw it in the oven and say a prayer that it cooks right.
Tomorrow morning I am going to a job forum for people with psychiatric disabilities. There is going to be a panel of people with psychiatric diagnoses that are currently in the workforce. They will share their success stories and answer any questions. I figure I am going to ask them if they have any advice on what to say during an interview in regards to the big gap on my resume. I have an 8 year one. I have asked job coaches in the past and they never really answered my question. I am taking a test next month in which you need no experience, so I am hoping they don't rely too much on a resume and more on the test score you get when they consider hiring.
My sister is home sick with vertigo. I had that last year- it sucks. She is very eager to try the bread that I am going to bake. I didn't bake it tonight, because I had some phone calls and there is a possibility that I still might go out later. I have to get up early tomorrow so I can get to the job forum, so if I don't end up going out I will get to sleep earlier.
We got a new cesspool here and they tore up our lawn and knocked down a few of our small trees. The yard looks horrible now. There are still a few trees, they were lined up and now there is a big gap amongst them. I am wondering if my housing agency is going to do anything about it. They would definitely do something if the neighbors complained. Recently the neighbor complained about our fence and we got a new one. It figures that the neighbors complaints are more important than the people that have to live in this house.
Tomorrow morning I am going to a job forum for people with psychiatric disabilities. There is going to be a panel of people with psychiatric diagnoses that are currently in the workforce. They will share their success stories and answer any questions. I figure I am going to ask them if they have any advice on what to say during an interview in regards to the big gap on my resume. I have an 8 year one. I have asked job coaches in the past and they never really answered my question. I am taking a test next month in which you need no experience, so I am hoping they don't rely too much on a resume and more on the test score you get when they consider hiring.
My sister is home sick with vertigo. I had that last year- it sucks. She is very eager to try the bread that I am going to bake. I didn't bake it tonight, because I had some phone calls and there is a possibility that I still might go out later. I have to get up early tomorrow so I can get to the job forum, so if I don't end up going out I will get to sleep earlier.
We got a new cesspool here and they tore up our lawn and knocked down a few of our small trees. The yard looks horrible now. There are still a few trees, they were lined up and now there is a big gap amongst them. I am wondering if my housing agency is going to do anything about it. They would definitely do something if the neighbors complained. Recently the neighbor complained about our fence and we got a new one. It figures that the neighbors complaints are more important than the people that have to live in this house.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Flashback
So I am sitting here at my parents' computer and Katrina, the gray/brown tabby is sitting in front of the monitor. I moved the window to the side enough so I can see what I am typing. She is so precious. She sits with her tail curled in front of her paws and looks very content. I have Coldplay on in the background.
I stopped here on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I stayed at his parents' house Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was nice to be away and to be able to spend time with my boyfriend on his days off. He is so much fun to be around. I know I might be repeating myself, but I could never say these things enough. I feel so strongly that I will never tire when it comes to telling him what he means to me. He has this innate ability to make me laugh and I value it so much. Laughter is something I definitely need in my life- I am often stressed out.
Last night my boyfriend's grandfather mentioned he was going to the oncologist today for test results. I ended up having a flashback to when I took my grandfather to the VA for his test results. I can remember clearly the look on his face while we were in that office and got the news. His cancer had spread to various organs and they told him he needed chemo. I had spent a lot of the summer transporting him to doctors and helping him out around the condo. I was really getting to know him and was becoming closer to him than I had ever been. He even told me that I was a great granddaughter. When someone says a statement like that, it really means a lot. It was devastating to find out the bad news and even more devastating to have to spend my final days with him in the hospital. His chemo had made him susceptible to pneumonia, and the pneumonia was what ended up killing him. I went back and forth from extreme grief to numbness. I do not know if I grieved in a healthy manner or if my numbness put a hold on things. Every time I tried to talk about it in therapy, the pain was too much to bear and I ended up telling Jeanne that I couldn't talk about it anymore. Last night, I felt the pain pretty bad again- like a wound that had been reopened. As I wrote in a poem dedicated to him: "You'd say life is hard, well it certainly is hard without you here."
I stopped here on my way home from my boyfriend's house. I stayed at his parents' house Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was nice to be away and to be able to spend time with my boyfriend on his days off. He is so much fun to be around. I know I might be repeating myself, but I could never say these things enough. I feel so strongly that I will never tire when it comes to telling him what he means to me. He has this innate ability to make me laugh and I value it so much. Laughter is something I definitely need in my life- I am often stressed out.
Last night my boyfriend's grandfather mentioned he was going to the oncologist today for test results. I ended up having a flashback to when I took my grandfather to the VA for his test results. I can remember clearly the look on his face while we were in that office and got the news. His cancer had spread to various organs and they told him he needed chemo. I had spent a lot of the summer transporting him to doctors and helping him out around the condo. I was really getting to know him and was becoming closer to him than I had ever been. He even told me that I was a great granddaughter. When someone says a statement like that, it really means a lot. It was devastating to find out the bad news and even more devastating to have to spend my final days with him in the hospital. His chemo had made him susceptible to pneumonia, and the pneumonia was what ended up killing him. I went back and forth from extreme grief to numbness. I do not know if I grieved in a healthy manner or if my numbness put a hold on things. Every time I tried to talk about it in therapy, the pain was too much to bear and I ended up telling Jeanne that I couldn't talk about it anymore. Last night, I felt the pain pretty bad again- like a wound that had been reopened. As I wrote in a poem dedicated to him: "You'd say life is hard, well it certainly is hard without you here."
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Lucky
My room is clean- at last. My boyfriend helped me out with it and it took a couple of hours. It is almost complete- I have to better organize my clothes now that they are all clean and out of the hamper, I don't have enough room in my dresser and closet for all of it. I made a donation pile when I was taking out my fall/winter clothes, but I guess I am going to have to donate even more. It astonishes me that someone as poor as myself could have so much clothing. The reason is because I never get rid of anything and it accumulates over the years and each year my case manager takes me for new clothes. I feel guilty for letting go some of my stuff, but I shouldn't because I will be helping someone else out.
I got rid of some of my clothes also because I did lose about 25 pounds since March. I didn't really jump down too many sizes though. That is ok with me, I am happy to have lost the 25 pounds and if I lose more, so be it. Right now I am drinking a Dr. Pepper slurpee from 7-Eleven and listening to Tori Amos. I could be out walking, but I did walk earlier in the day and I am not going to push myself to do anymore. Tomorrow is another day.
Three years ago, I was in the psych ward at this time. It was the last hospitalization I've had. I was at the University Medical Center and they held me in the psych ER for way too long...like four or five days. There is terrible supervision in the ER, you'd think it would be better because that is where they are supposed to evaluate you for admission. Back in 2003, a girl in the ER punched me in the face. No one seemed to see it and when I said something no one gave a damn. She should have been in restraints after that.
The big thing with mental illness is that if you are a danger to others or a danger to yourself you will be held with or without your consent. I was in restraints for several times during my stay in the ER. I was a bit upset how they violently strapped down one of my arms and broke my bracelet in the process. Being in restraints can be a good thing, at least it was for me because it was an escape from all the other potential admissions that were running around. I also got the magic shot that wiped away every last ounce of anxiety from my body. Time seemed to slow down and I became intrigued and entertained by the patterns on the ceiling. When someone would sit in the isolation room with me, I wouldn't end up falling asleep because I'd be a bit nervous with the company. It is very hard to trust anybody, white coat or not, when I am paranoid. When I was finally admitted to the upstairs, I was given a roommate that I ended up keeping in touch with after that stay. She introduced herself to me and we had a lot in common; she also had trouble with trusting the people around us. I was actually able to find an ounce of trust though when it came to my roommate. I was lucky.
I got rid of some of my clothes also because I did lose about 25 pounds since March. I didn't really jump down too many sizes though. That is ok with me, I am happy to have lost the 25 pounds and if I lose more, so be it. Right now I am drinking a Dr. Pepper slurpee from 7-Eleven and listening to Tori Amos. I could be out walking, but I did walk earlier in the day and I am not going to push myself to do anymore. Tomorrow is another day.
Three years ago, I was in the psych ward at this time. It was the last hospitalization I've had. I was at the University Medical Center and they held me in the psych ER for way too long...like four or five days. There is terrible supervision in the ER, you'd think it would be better because that is where they are supposed to evaluate you for admission. Back in 2003, a girl in the ER punched me in the face. No one seemed to see it and when I said something no one gave a damn. She should have been in restraints after that.
The big thing with mental illness is that if you are a danger to others or a danger to yourself you will be held with or without your consent. I was in restraints for several times during my stay in the ER. I was a bit upset how they violently strapped down one of my arms and broke my bracelet in the process. Being in restraints can be a good thing, at least it was for me because it was an escape from all the other potential admissions that were running around. I also got the magic shot that wiped away every last ounce of anxiety from my body. Time seemed to slow down and I became intrigued and entertained by the patterns on the ceiling. When someone would sit in the isolation room with me, I wouldn't end up falling asleep because I'd be a bit nervous with the company. It is very hard to trust anybody, white coat or not, when I am paranoid. When I was finally admitted to the upstairs, I was given a roommate that I ended up keeping in touch with after that stay. She introduced herself to me and we had a lot in common; she also had trouble with trusting the people around us. I was actually able to find an ounce of trust though when it came to my roommate. I was lucky.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Sleepy
Well, it's about time that I write another blog entry- I've been slacking. My psychologist, Dr. K, has been falling asleep during my sessions with him. I've observed his head falling down about three times now (different days). I don't know what to think of this...I know I have been pretty quiet in therapy lately. He doesn't actually fall asleep mid-sentence; it happens when I am not speaking. I know he is getting old, but still. I should either change my appointment time or stop going to him altogether. I still have not gotten my handicap bus pass, so I cannot really see Jeanne. My case manager brings me to see Jeanne once a month. All of the other weeks I have phone sessions. Because I don't have reliable transportation to Jeanne, I might change my appointment time with Dr. K and see how that goes.
I have very little motivation today. Most of the day I've spent sleeping or semi-sleeping. I am going to have to start cleaning my room soon, as I am going to be getting my grandmother's furniture in early November. I honestly do not know where I am going to put all my stuff. It is frustrating and my parents don't understand it is a struggle. My mother said to my sister that
my room being messy is a part of my illness and that it is sad, not funny. Jeanne does say I have a bit of OCD when it comes to my room, but I don't think my mom was referring to OCD.
I did get a major increase in foodstamps. I just finished eating some of the macaroni and cheese/chili/cornbread casserole that my sister and I made recently. It is so filling that everytime I eat it my stomach ends up hurting because I should not have taken seconds. It is just so good though. I would go for a walk if I had more motivation. I don't really feel depressed, like I am not sad and hopeless. I just don't feel like doing much today. I didn't have anything planned anyways.
I have very little motivation today. Most of the day I've spent sleeping or semi-sleeping. I am going to have to start cleaning my room soon, as I am going to be getting my grandmother's furniture in early November. I honestly do not know where I am going to put all my stuff. It is frustrating and my parents don't understand it is a struggle. My mother said to my sister that
my room being messy is a part of my illness and that it is sad, not funny. Jeanne does say I have a bit of OCD when it comes to my room, but I don't think my mom was referring to OCD.
I did get a major increase in foodstamps. I just finished eating some of the macaroni and cheese/chili/cornbread casserole that my sister and I made recently. It is so filling that everytime I eat it my stomach ends up hurting because I should not have taken seconds. It is just so good though. I would go for a walk if I had more motivation. I don't really feel depressed, like I am not sad and hopeless. I just don't feel like doing much today. I didn't have anything planned anyways.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Guilt...
Word on the street is that I am getting a mega increase in foodstamps this month. My housemate is now getting $114, which is about 4 times what I had been getting. I assume I'll get something close to that figure. It is definitely cause for celebration.
The city trip was awesome. There is soo much to do in NYC. I want to go back in the spring for the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. It hadn't started yet while we were in the city. It starts October 13th and lasts through sometime in May. While we were there we went to the Central Park Zoo, took a horse carriage ride, and had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
My mother had said she would take me to see the movie Nights in Rodanthe when it came out. Now she is saying that I should try to go with my sister. I want to see it mainly because I read the book and I find adaptations to be pretty interesting. If I go with my sister, I will have to pay for my own ticket, whereas my mom might have paid for mine. I also doubt my sister will want to see the movie; it doesn't seem like her type of movie. She is more of a horror fan.
I am waiting to hear back from my friend to see if I am going out tonight. My friend will probably not call me back until she gets out of her job. The time of that can vary, but I should know in an hour most likely. We have a habit of meeting up at Applebees once a week. It is always late in the evening when we go.
I can't help but feel a tinge of guilt for having posted about my childhood. I don't want to portray my parents as all evil. My mom was always concerned about other people thinking she was a bad mother. Part of me feels sad that she worried about that, but part of me doesn't believe that was genuine. I think that she might have said that often to make me feel guilty for going to therapy because she tended to say that when she picked me up from my therapy appointments. It was pretty clear she didn't like me going to therapy; she would always ask me if I still felt like I 'really needed' it on our way home from the school that they were doing therapy out of. My mom has her nice moments, and my dad's been sober for almost 12 years now. I think that is what I struggle with the most- the inconsistency in the way my mother treated me. Like I said she had her nice moments, amongst all the bad moments. It made me kind of love her and hate her at the same time. That itself, the love/hate thing, is pure torture. It makes me feel like my head is splitting.
The city trip was awesome. There is soo much to do in NYC. I want to go back in the spring for the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. It hadn't started yet while we were in the city. It starts October 13th and lasts through sometime in May. While we were there we went to the Central Park Zoo, took a horse carriage ride, and had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
My mother had said she would take me to see the movie Nights in Rodanthe when it came out. Now she is saying that I should try to go with my sister. I want to see it mainly because I read the book and I find adaptations to be pretty interesting. If I go with my sister, I will have to pay for my own ticket, whereas my mom might have paid for mine. I also doubt my sister will want to see the movie; it doesn't seem like her type of movie. She is more of a horror fan.
I am waiting to hear back from my friend to see if I am going out tonight. My friend will probably not call me back until she gets out of her job. The time of that can vary, but I should know in an hour most likely. We have a habit of meeting up at Applebees once a week. It is always late in the evening when we go.
I can't help but feel a tinge of guilt for having posted about my childhood. I don't want to portray my parents as all evil. My mom was always concerned about other people thinking she was a bad mother. Part of me feels sad that she worried about that, but part of me doesn't believe that was genuine. I think that she might have said that often to make me feel guilty for going to therapy because she tended to say that when she picked me up from my therapy appointments. It was pretty clear she didn't like me going to therapy; she would always ask me if I still felt like I 'really needed' it on our way home from the school that they were doing therapy out of. My mom has her nice moments, and my dad's been sober for almost 12 years now. I think that is what I struggle with the most- the inconsistency in the way my mother treated me. Like I said she had her nice moments, amongst all the bad moments. It made me kind of love her and hate her at the same time. That itself, the love/hate thing, is pure torture. It makes me feel like my head is splitting.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Memories
I am in a pretty good mood. I just got home from cat-sitting. It feels good to be home, even though my housemate has two guests over at once. I am really excited about my trip on Friday. There are so many possibilities when it comes to what we are going to do during the day. I am going to let my boyfriend choose what activities we are going to do. The weather is supposed to be really nice on Friday, no rain in sight.
Another reason why I am in a good mood is because I got paid today. I get two disability checks; a small one on the 1st which is like a supplemental check, and the main one on the 3rd. It feels good to not be completely broke.
In about a month and two weeks, I will be taking a keyboard specialist exam for the state. That test will be grammar- something I am not as confident in as I was in the past. Nonetheless, I think I will do alright. They don't actually test your keyboarding skills until you get an interview. It is an entry-level position, and I am hoping I can get a full-time job out of it. My anxiety is probably the biggest challenge I will face.
My sister and I were looking through old photo albums during the past few nights. I remembered a lot of what I saw in the photos. I remembered best the pictures with my childhood friends, sister, and the toys I got on the holidays/birthdays. My father looked like he had some alcohol in him for a majority of the pictures. He had this weird kind of angry/spaced-out look; he definitely did not look too happy. There weren't really many pictures from after we moved when I was 13. When we moved, everything went downhill. I had no friends, people weren't that interested in becoming friends with me, and my dad lost his job. My mom was at her worst those years. I didn't want to be in school, and I didn't want to be at home. That's kind of an issue when you are too young to own a car and drive. It was also an issue because my mom would not let me go outside for a walk when I wanted to get away. I wanted to get away from her, and she kept me trapped up in my room. I took the majority of the abuse; my sister didn't get attacked as much as I did. I am grateful for that fact, and I am grateful to be out of that house.
Another reason why I am in a good mood is because I got paid today. I get two disability checks; a small one on the 1st which is like a supplemental check, and the main one on the 3rd. It feels good to not be completely broke.
In about a month and two weeks, I will be taking a keyboard specialist exam for the state. That test will be grammar- something I am not as confident in as I was in the past. Nonetheless, I think I will do alright. They don't actually test your keyboarding skills until you get an interview. It is an entry-level position, and I am hoping I can get a full-time job out of it. My anxiety is probably the biggest challenge I will face.
My sister and I were looking through old photo albums during the past few nights. I remembered a lot of what I saw in the photos. I remembered best the pictures with my childhood friends, sister, and the toys I got on the holidays/birthdays. My father looked like he had some alcohol in him for a majority of the pictures. He had this weird kind of angry/spaced-out look; he definitely did not look too happy. There weren't really many pictures from after we moved when I was 13. When we moved, everything went downhill. I had no friends, people weren't that interested in becoming friends with me, and my dad lost his job. My mom was at her worst those years. I didn't want to be in school, and I didn't want to be at home. That's kind of an issue when you are too young to own a car and drive. It was also an issue because my mom would not let me go outside for a walk when I wanted to get away. I wanted to get away from her, and she kept me trapped up in my room. I took the majority of the abuse; my sister didn't get attacked as much as I did. I am grateful for that fact, and I am grateful to be out of that house.
Monday, September 29, 2008
"Cat-sitting"
So I am "cat-sitting" (baby-sitting) the cats at my parents' house for the next few days. Katrina, the younger one, already threw up on my mother's jewelry box. Luckily there was a cloth on top of the box that caught most of it.
We tried out brainspotting in therapy today. I had to follow what looked like a radio antenna while it went from left to right with my eyes. Nothing happened for me, so we stopped and she said we'd try it again some other time. Talk therapy with her always seems to work out pretty well, so I am not concerned.
My boyfriend and I have planned a trip to Central Park for Friday. I just checked the weather for NYC and it says partly cloudy for Friday. Hopefully it will stay that way, or change to sunny. I am really looking forward to this trip with him. Our last trip was back in June to see Dave Matthews Band in Connecticut. That was a lot of fun, even though we got completely drenched. I always enjoy my time with him. I love him with all of my heart.
Last Friday, my boyfriend and I went to Petco and looked at the animals there. There were two mice in this one running wheel, one of them was just clinging on to it; the other was running. So the clinging one kept going upside down, it was pretty funny. On our way out we looked at the kittens, and of course, I wanted to take one home. One of my housemates says she hates cats, so that is out of the question.
I was just interrupted by Katrina- she wanted to play. So I tossed the tiger head stuffy through the hallway a couple of times. She loves to chase after things, especially toy mice! Our other cat, Spooky, likes to chase after light on the ground or walls. Reflecting sunlight from watches, or the laser light pen always seems to do the trick. I think I am going to go back now and play with Spooky.
We tried out brainspotting in therapy today. I had to follow what looked like a radio antenna while it went from left to right with my eyes. Nothing happened for me, so we stopped and she said we'd try it again some other time. Talk therapy with her always seems to work out pretty well, so I am not concerned.
My boyfriend and I have planned a trip to Central Park for Friday. I just checked the weather for NYC and it says partly cloudy for Friday. Hopefully it will stay that way, or change to sunny. I am really looking forward to this trip with him. Our last trip was back in June to see Dave Matthews Band in Connecticut. That was a lot of fun, even though we got completely drenched. I always enjoy my time with him. I love him with all of my heart.
Last Friday, my boyfriend and I went to Petco and looked at the animals there. There were two mice in this one running wheel, one of them was just clinging on to it; the other was running. So the clinging one kept going upside down, it was pretty funny. On our way out we looked at the kittens, and of course, I wanted to take one home. One of my housemates says she hates cats, so that is out of the question.
I was just interrupted by Katrina- she wanted to play. So I tossed the tiger head stuffy through the hallway a couple of times. She loves to chase after things, especially toy mice! Our other cat, Spooky, likes to chase after light on the ground or walls. Reflecting sunlight from watches, or the laser light pen always seems to do the trick. I think I am going to go back now and play with Spooky.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
EMDR and Brainspotting
So I talked to Jeanne on the phone this morning. We are going to try EMDR and Brainspotting in my future sessions with her. EMDR, according to the Cognitive Therapy Associates website is as follows:
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapeutic technique used by licensed mental health practitioners who are trained in this protocol to facilitate the recovery of those suffering from aftereffects of traumatic events. In this technique, the therapist guides the person in right/left eye movement and other right/left brain stimulation as he or she recounts the event. Also, the person gets to choose their actions rather than feeling powerless over his or her reactions. The goal is to release blocked emotional experience (memories and distress) as well as successful integration of the event, resulting in symptom relief and healing."
Brainspotting, according to the website http://www.robertweiszphd.com/Brainspotting/ is as follows:
"Brainspotting is a powerful, focused treatment method that works by identifying, processing and releasing core neurophysiological sources of emotional/body pain, trauma, dissociation and a variety of other challenging symptoms. Brainspotting is a simultaneous form of diagnosis and treatment, enhanced with Biolateral sound, which is deep, direct, and powerful yet focused and containing."
I don't quite understand either of these methods just yet, so I can't give much further info on them. Jeanne told me to go to the EMDRIA website; EMDRIA stands for EMDR International Association. For the next four days she is going to attend a course for Brainspotting. She is already trained in EMDR and will be helping me deal with the strength of my emotions when I feel like I have little to no control over a situation. These methods are ultimately going to be treating my PTSD.
Yesterday I saw Dr. K, and he gave me the worksheets to get started on the cognitive therapy exercises he wants me to do. Hopefully all of these forms of therapy will help me feel a little better than I have been.
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapeutic technique used by licensed mental health practitioners who are trained in this protocol to facilitate the recovery of those suffering from aftereffects of traumatic events. In this technique, the therapist guides the person in right/left eye movement and other right/left brain stimulation as he or she recounts the event. Also, the person gets to choose their actions rather than feeling powerless over his or her reactions. The goal is to release blocked emotional experience (memories and distress) as well as successful integration of the event, resulting in symptom relief and healing."
Brainspotting, according to the website http://www.robertweiszphd.com/Brainspotting/ is as follows:
"Brainspotting is a powerful, focused treatment method that works by identifying, processing and releasing core neurophysiological sources of emotional/body pain, trauma, dissociation and a variety of other challenging symptoms. Brainspotting is a simultaneous form of diagnosis and treatment, enhanced with Biolateral sound, which is deep, direct, and powerful yet focused and containing."
I don't quite understand either of these methods just yet, so I can't give much further info on them. Jeanne told me to go to the EMDRIA website; EMDRIA stands for EMDR International Association. For the next four days she is going to attend a course for Brainspotting. She is already trained in EMDR and will be helping me deal with the strength of my emotions when I feel like I have little to no control over a situation. These methods are ultimately going to be treating my PTSD.
Yesterday I saw Dr. K, and he gave me the worksheets to get started on the cognitive therapy exercises he wants me to do. Hopefully all of these forms of therapy will help me feel a little better than I have been.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Autumn is here
So today is officially the first day of Autumn. It feels like it too; it is quite chilly here. It is starting to get chilly in my room and that is with the windows shut. Soon I'll have to start wearing a jacket when I walk.
I got my car inspected today and had them look it over for anything it might need. It got a clean bill of health. My parents even ended up offering to pay for it since I'll be baby-sitting the cats at their house next week. Works out great because I am pretty broke, so now I have some food and gas money to last me until next month. I've got to give my parents credit for helping me out nowadays. They made my life a living hell back in the day; but these days that I am not living with them, they are more considerate.
My boyfriend got a letter back from the housing committee. They said that housing is in high demand. That isn't much of a surprise to me. I myself am on the Section 8 waiting list (government subsidized housing). Anyone applying for Section 8 around here can expect to wait several years before their number is called. I am number 10,000 or something around that. Mental health housing is quicker than Section 8, thankfully. It will probably take several months for the couples' housing, considering what they said.
My case manager is driving me to my therapist (Jeanne) on the 29th. She had me sign a second bus pass application- I am guessing the first one got lost. For this week, I will speak with Jeanne on the phone. I will have a regular office visit with Dr. K tomorrow. I've been in therapy for about ten years. I had brief therapy in high school which I am not counting in that figure. I was so suicidal and depressed in high school that my therapist had her hands full. Amazingly, she did not refer me to a psychiatrist. Could it be that she thought my depression was environmentally influenced? If only I could get my hands on the notes from those sessions. The counseling agency I was using closed down, so who knows where on earth the notes are, if anywhere. Perhaps that is a good thing.
I got my car inspected today and had them look it over for anything it might need. It got a clean bill of health. My parents even ended up offering to pay for it since I'll be baby-sitting the cats at their house next week. Works out great because I am pretty broke, so now I have some food and gas money to last me until next month. I've got to give my parents credit for helping me out nowadays. They made my life a living hell back in the day; but these days that I am not living with them, they are more considerate.
My boyfriend got a letter back from the housing committee. They said that housing is in high demand. That isn't much of a surprise to me. I myself am on the Section 8 waiting list (government subsidized housing). Anyone applying for Section 8 around here can expect to wait several years before their number is called. I am number 10,000 or something around that. Mental health housing is quicker than Section 8, thankfully. It will probably take several months for the couples' housing, considering what they said.
My case manager is driving me to my therapist (Jeanne) on the 29th. She had me sign a second bus pass application- I am guessing the first one got lost. For this week, I will speak with Jeanne on the phone. I will have a regular office visit with Dr. K tomorrow. I've been in therapy for about ten years. I had brief therapy in high school which I am not counting in that figure. I was so suicidal and depressed in high school that my therapist had her hands full. Amazingly, she did not refer me to a psychiatrist. Could it be that she thought my depression was environmentally influenced? If only I could get my hands on the notes from those sessions. The counseling agency I was using closed down, so who knows where on earth the notes are, if anywhere. Perhaps that is a good thing.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Twenty steps
I went for my second 4 mile walk tonight; the first was last night. An interesting thing happened on the last half of my walking path. A beautiful, snow white moth flew in my direction and landed on my shoulder. It actually stayed on my shoulder for a bit of time, maybe twenty steps. Then an upcoming house had their sprinkler on, so I walked into the street and with the change of direction the moth flew away. For those twenty steps or so, I felt at peace.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Signed, sealed, almost delivered...
Yay! The housing applications have been priority mailed with signature confirmation. (I couldn't hand them in myself, as the building of the housing office is in lockdown) I believe they are still in transit, as there has not been a sig confirmation according to the US postal service website just yet. What a relief it was to finally mail them. We had been working on our applications for a couple of months. It took so long because they wanted psych reports and a physical exam with PPD. We photocopied everything in case for some god forsaken reason the apps get lost, we can get them right back out again.
Another yay! is that Jeanne is back from her vacation and I will be chatting with her via phone on Friday. Her office is kinda far away- transportation to her is an issue. I applied for a bus pass for the disabled, but it has not shown up in my mailbox and it has been quite a few weeks. For the past two months, I had my case manager drive me to my therapy appointments every other week or so and I had phone sessions during the other weeks. Phone sessions aren't always the most effective for me, but sometimes they can be just as helpful as an in-person appointment.
I was kinda in 'the doghouse' today. I admit that I deserved it- I had said things that I did not mean, mostly driven by irrational fear. I should not let fear speak through me as it did. I am definitely going to mention it during my phone session on Friday. The last thing I want is to start behaving like my mother. Yikes.
My boyfriend and I did make a pretty good pasta sauce tonight. It was our first attempt at homemade sauce, and it was successful. There are many more things we are going to try with it; it's like a science experiment. Hopefully we won't blow up the kitchen, lol.
Another yay! is that Jeanne is back from her vacation and I will be chatting with her via phone on Friday. Her office is kinda far away- transportation to her is an issue. I applied for a bus pass for the disabled, but it has not shown up in my mailbox and it has been quite a few weeks. For the past two months, I had my case manager drive me to my therapy appointments every other week or so and I had phone sessions during the other weeks. Phone sessions aren't always the most effective for me, but sometimes they can be just as helpful as an in-person appointment.
I was kinda in 'the doghouse' today. I admit that I deserved it- I had said things that I did not mean, mostly driven by irrational fear. I should not let fear speak through me as it did. I am definitely going to mention it during my phone session on Friday. The last thing I want is to start behaving like my mother. Yikes.
My boyfriend and I did make a pretty good pasta sauce tonight. It was our first attempt at homemade sauce, and it was successful. There are many more things we are going to try with it; it's like a science experiment. Hopefully we won't blow up the kitchen, lol.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Burden in her hand...
So I visited my mother this weekend. I kick myself for going there, after almost every visit. The reason I go as frequently as I do is because I just want to get out of my house and away from my housemates. I also don't have to worry about what I am going to eat when I am at my parents' house. And not to forget, I like to visit my two cats. I just get so frustrated at their house, especially on the day I am supposed to go home. My mother has a unique way of making me feel like absolute crap. When she got home from work today (today was the day for me to go home), she wanted me to immediately move my car so I would not 'get in the way' of their car lineup this afternoon- since I'd be leaving soon. So I decided to not move my car then, but to immediately pack up my stuff and leave. That I believe is what she wanted. She didn't want me to hang around until dinnertime because then there would be the burden of having to include me in the dinner plans. That's right, I am a burden.
Besides that, my sister is home yet she does not say one word to me. She is too busy getting ready to go out, like she does every single night. Except she's hanging out with her boyfriend, or her friend, but never me. We used to be really good friends. I don't particularly care for this boyfriend, but I am biased. It's that she spends every single day of the week with him, so I never get to see her anymore. She might as well be living with him, but she's not. At least when she was seeing her last boyfriend, I got to see her sometimes on the weekend.
I might as well just go to sleep now. Everyone is busy, I have no money to spend really, and the price of gas has jumped by about 40 cents per gallon so I should conserve my driving trips. Overall suckiness. Tomorrow will be better, so at least I can look forward to tomorrow. For now, I shall sleep.
Besides that, my sister is home yet she does not say one word to me. She is too busy getting ready to go out, like she does every single night. Except she's hanging out with her boyfriend, or her friend, but never me. We used to be really good friends. I don't particularly care for this boyfriend, but I am biased. It's that she spends every single day of the week with him, so I never get to see her anymore. She might as well be living with him, but she's not. At least when she was seeing her last boyfriend, I got to see her sometimes on the weekend.
I might as well just go to sleep now. Everyone is busy, I have no money to spend really, and the price of gas has jumped by about 40 cents per gallon so I should conserve my driving trips. Overall suckiness. Tomorrow will be better, so at least I can look forward to tomorrow. For now, I shall sleep.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
ASAP
So, it's September 11th. Back in '01, I was released from the psych ward on this day. My Geodon wasn't working well, so they increased the dosage. They also gave me Ativan to take three times a day. I was an anxious mess and then the terrorist attacks happened. I was so scared and anxious I was almost shaking. Everywhere I went shortly after that day, I saw American flags on people's car antennae. I was worried that the sudden outbreak of patriotism would anger the terrorists even more than they already were and they would attack again almost immediately. I was so scared, I spent much of my time in my room with the radio off. I didn't want to hear the national anthem played for the millionth time. It just caused more anxiety. For the first time in my life, I wished that I didn't live in New York. I really should not have been released from the hospital as soon as I was. I ended up back in there a month later, after an overdose of Geodon. (I took 17 Geodon pills) The anxiety was so bad I thought that if I took more it would subside. It didn't.
On a more uplifting note, in just a few days I will be on the grounds of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Center handing in my couples housing application with my boyfriend. We've been working on gathering documentation to hand in with our applications for quite some time now. I cannot wait for the day that they call and say they have an opening that they'd like us to consider. It will
definitely be a positive change in my life to move in with him. He is a wonderful boyfriend and I always enjoy his company. I am getting some close-to-new furniture from my grandmother when she moves. A set of his and hers dressers and an end table. I am really psyched about getting her fiber optic Christmas tree. I've always wanted to to be able to decorate my own place for the holidays. We might not have our place by Christmas, but I am crossing my fingers that we hear something asap.
On a more uplifting note, in just a few days I will be on the grounds of Pilgrim State Psychiatric Center handing in my couples housing application with my boyfriend. We've been working on gathering documentation to hand in with our applications for quite some time now. I cannot wait for the day that they call and say they have an opening that they'd like us to consider. It will
definitely be a positive change in my life to move in with him. He is a wonderful boyfriend and I always enjoy his company. I am getting some close-to-new furniture from my grandmother when she moves. A set of his and hers dressers and an end table. I am really psyched about getting her fiber optic Christmas tree. I've always wanted to to be able to decorate my own place for the holidays. We might not have our place by Christmas, but I am crossing my fingers that we hear something asap.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Last Breath
My friend is recovering from recent surgery, and that means that she has not been able to work seven days a week as usual. She has repeatedly stated that she is 'so bored.' If she thinks a week of not working is boring, how would she handle eight years? I have been out of work for quite some time. Luckily, I have been able to postpone my student loan payments. Soon I will not be able to do that anymore.
I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.
The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.
I have a fairly large sum of money that I owe the government. There is no way this could be paid off with my disability checks, unless I suddenly didn't have to pay my rent anymore. My parents won't take me back, and I don't think I want to go back anyways, so that is not an option. I could get the loans entirely dismissed, but that would mean that I could never work again. I don't want to put myself in that predicament. There is a part of me that would like to work again, and shall eventually try and do so. Hopefully it will work out, and the stress won't be too crippling. Myself and stress don't mix well. It's been proven, repeatedly.
The diagnosis of my grandfather's terminal cancer (me being there for the 'talk' with his doctors) was a ticket into a world of paranoia and psychiatric hospitalization. That was three years ago, I believe in a few minutes it would be to the exact date. It was either the 7th or the 9th, but I am leading toward the 9th, on which he received the news. I was in the psych ward about one month later. There was a patient there that had just lost his mother, and he would go around the halls in circles singing. Sometimes he sang his mother's favorite songs (I found out in music therapy). It was sad, but I could not absorb anymore sadness at that point. Some patients in the ward with me found out about my grandfather and tried to comfort me, but it did the opposite. I was released from the hospital by the third week of the month and in January of '06,
my grandfather took his last breath. Amazingly, I avoided the hospital after that and after the recent death of my grandmother as well. Perhaps I am coping better.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tropical storm on the way...
Well, tropical storm Hanna is on it's way. I went to the grocery store tonight, like many, and picked up some basic food items so I don't have to go anywhere this weekend. There were no 'hand baskets' left by the entrance as the store was very busy. I took a different way home to bypass all the traffic and I ended up getting slightly lost because one of the roads was totally blocked. It probably would have taken the same amount of time to get home had I sat in the traffic.
I had a really good visit with my boyfriend. He's been working the night shift, so I've been staying up late to be able to talk to him when he gets home. Today I've been really tired, I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon and I might take another one before he calls. I look forward to his call and tonight I will find out when he's going to visit me next.
It's funny that I wrote about cognitive therapy in my last entry, because this past Tuesday my therapist suggested it. He recommended that I purchase a book called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD. If I were to follow through with this therapy, I would have 'homework' to do. I've done this therapy once before in 2005. It involves writing down troubling thoughts and then analyzing them to learn why they are irrational. This process is supposed to train me enough so that my troubling thoughts don't recur or occur as often. That is what I remember from it.
I think I am going to take my nap now.
I had a really good visit with my boyfriend. He's been working the night shift, so I've been staying up late to be able to talk to him when he gets home. Today I've been really tired, I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon and I might take another one before he calls. I look forward to his call and tonight I will find out when he's going to visit me next.
It's funny that I wrote about cognitive therapy in my last entry, because this past Tuesday my therapist suggested it. He recommended that I purchase a book called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD. If I were to follow through with this therapy, I would have 'homework' to do. I've done this therapy once before in 2005. It involves writing down troubling thoughts and then analyzing them to learn why they are irrational. This process is supposed to train me enough so that my troubling thoughts don't recur or occur as often. That is what I remember from it.
I think I am going to take my nap now.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
All that keeps running through my head
I pulled an all-nighter last night. I think it's because I had a 24 oz coffee from 7-Eleven. It wasn't decaf. So I've been sleeping on and off throughout the day today. Everyone I know is working or at parties so I don't mind having slept most of the afternoon. My boyfriend brought to my attention that I could volunteer on the weekends, instead of being bored all the time. My initial reaction was that I felt he was telling me what to do. I've thought about it though and I realize he was just trying to help me out, like he always does. I wish I could look at the volunteer book from the hospital online, instead of having to drag myself there and sit in a tiny room thumbing through a huge book trying to pick out an assignment. I think I remember though that most of the assignments were M-F. I might still eventually go there to see if I could find something for the weekend.
All that keeps running through my head lately is that my therapist Jeanne is now on vacation for three weeks. I still have Dr. K., but it's different. If Dr. K. went on vacation it would not affect me as much. Most of my deep issues are worked on with Jeanne. Dr.K. and I once had our own small tea party. It's like that.
A friend of mine insists that psychotherapy is not the answer. According to him cognitive therapy is the way to go. He argues that in psychotherapy, the patient is constantly venting. Getting things out, and talking about problems, but where does that end? He said it just tends to go on and on, not solving anything. You could talk until your face was blue and you would be at the same position you were at before you even met your psychotherapist. I don't know if I 100% agree. I can see where he is coming from though. It does seem that the need to vent never ends.
"Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me"
The above lyrics are from 'Talk' by Coldplay off of their X&Y album.
All that keeps running through my head lately is that my therapist Jeanne is now on vacation for three weeks. I still have Dr. K., but it's different. If Dr. K. went on vacation it would not affect me as much. Most of my deep issues are worked on with Jeanne. Dr.K. and I once had our own small tea party. It's like that.
A friend of mine insists that psychotherapy is not the answer. According to him cognitive therapy is the way to go. He argues that in psychotherapy, the patient is constantly venting. Getting things out, and talking about problems, but where does that end? He said it just tends to go on and on, not solving anything. You could talk until your face was blue and you would be at the same position you were at before you even met your psychotherapist. I don't know if I 100% agree. I can see where he is coming from though. It does seem that the need to vent never ends.
"Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me"
The above lyrics are from 'Talk' by Coldplay off of their X&Y album.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Falling...
I told my therapist yesterday about the mysterious bruises on my arm. She thought it was really strange and asked me if I had been 'losing time.' What she meant was had I been in another personality state and blacked it all out; hence, losing time. My other therapist, Dr.K., had apparently observed me in multiple personality states several years ago and thinks I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He thinks it is well under control with my medications.
I am often torn on what to think about his diagnosis. The reason being is that I have so much trouble making decisions. For example, whether or not to get a part-time job. I am frequently feeling one way one day and then take the opposite stand on another day. I could go to sleep at night and wake up feeling a totally different way than the night before, in terms of a decision to make or certainty of something. I change moods almost as frequently as I change my socks or underwear, or possibly more often than that even. I really don't know what's up with it.
This is why sometimes I feel like being institutionalized. I wouldn't have to make so many decisions anymore. It's like I don't want to take responsibility for myself. My strength is just so lacking. I don't know how to become stronger.
"You
In your shell
Are you waiting for someone to rescue you
From yourself
Don't be disappointed when no one comes"
The above verse is from the song 'Falling' by the band Staind.
I am often torn on what to think about his diagnosis. The reason being is that I have so much trouble making decisions. For example, whether or not to get a part-time job. I am frequently feeling one way one day and then take the opposite stand on another day. I could go to sleep at night and wake up feeling a totally different way than the night before, in terms of a decision to make or certainty of something. I change moods almost as frequently as I change my socks or underwear, or possibly more often than that even. I really don't know what's up with it.
This is why sometimes I feel like being institutionalized. I wouldn't have to make so many decisions anymore. It's like I don't want to take responsibility for myself. My strength is just so lacking. I don't know how to become stronger.
"You
In your shell
Are you waiting for someone to rescue you
From yourself
Don't be disappointed when no one comes"
The above verse is from the song 'Falling' by the band Staind.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
In love...
My boyfriend went home from visiting me. It was a really good visit, despite my trip to the ER last night. I got freaked out after dinner when I happened to glance down at my arm and saw a bunch of blue and purple spots on my arm. I don't recall any injury having occurred. The spots on my arm were not sore to the touch either. They drew some blood and then sent me home with the diagnosis of Upper Arm Contusion, in other words, bruise. It is kind of embarrassing that I went to the ER for just some bruises...but it is better to be safe than sorry.
I am really in love with my boyfriend. One of the things I love most about him most is his ability to make me laugh at any given moment. He is also a very good listener. I am very dedicated to this relationship as it is a very important part of my life. I can't wait until we get our own place. I hope that I can make him as happy as he makes me. :)
In an hour I will find out how long my therapist will be on vacation for. I have a phone session scheduled with her this afternoon. I feel like canceling it. I might just ask her when she will be back and if I can wait to talk to her until then. I am feeling pretty good today. :)
I am really in love with my boyfriend. One of the things I love most about him most is his ability to make me laugh at any given moment. He is also a very good listener. I am very dedicated to this relationship as it is a very important part of my life. I can't wait until we get our own place. I hope that I can make him as happy as he makes me. :)
In an hour I will find out how long my therapist will be on vacation for. I have a phone session scheduled with her this afternoon. I feel like canceling it. I might just ask her when she will be back and if I can wait to talk to her until then. I am feeling pretty good today. :)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Beginnings
So my boyfriend is visiting. Tonight is the NAMI meeting, but we decided not to go. We had a long day, a lot of time was spent driving around looking for an Entenmann's Factory Outlet. We first went to the one by me, but it was closed and said they are relocating, but listed other locations. So we decided to go to one of the locations on the sign. We drove and drove and it turns out that one was shut down too! Entenmann's is not only the best bakery line, in my opinion, but also brings back many fond memories from my childhood. That's right, food brings back good memories. My grandmother was probably one of their best customers buying their cakes and cookies like every week. She would always give my sister and I dessert when we lived with her. It wasn't the desserts growing up that caused my weight gain though. It was my psych meds interfering with my appetite and metabolism. My grandmother eventually developed Alzheimer's disease and forgot about the need to eat. We fed her Entenmann's even when she didn't remember what it was anymore. It was always her favorite. I would hope that someone would remember my favorite things if I forgot what they were. I don't plan on having any kids ever, so I don't know who would visit me if I ended up in a nursing home someday. Oh, well, can't worry about everything...though I manage to worry about most things on a daily basis.
The dark and depressing parts of life always seem to attract me like a magnet. My depression was all I had when I was 13. I had no friends (we had just moved to a different town) and nothing to do besides homework. My dad was drinking all the time, and being really silly and embarassing. My mom was depressed and violent most of the time. So I started getting into working extra diligently on my homework. I became creative with my writing assignments, mixing in elements of my dark depression in an attempt to cry for help. Most of the teachers ignored it. One wrote a note on my paper and told me that the school psychologist was a very friendly and gentle person I could go to talk to if I needed. At least someone paid attention. However, I didn't have the strength to make an appointment with him on my own. It took my boyfriend at the time going down to guidance and telling them they thought something was wrong with my mother and the way she treated me to get me in any sort of counseling situation. One day I was in health class and they paged me to go down to the guidance office. I thought I was in trouble or something. Anyway, the airhead of a guidance counselor I had decided she would be my 'therapist.' She was not helpful in the least, until I told her I was suicidal and she called my dad. My dad listened to her and found me a social worker to talk to. That was the beginning of the great downfall; though it seemed like things were getting better, things were actually about to get much worse.
The dark and depressing parts of life always seem to attract me like a magnet. My depression was all I had when I was 13. I had no friends (we had just moved to a different town) and nothing to do besides homework. My dad was drinking all the time, and being really silly and embarassing. My mom was depressed and violent most of the time. So I started getting into working extra diligently on my homework. I became creative with my writing assignments, mixing in elements of my dark depression in an attempt to cry for help. Most of the teachers ignored it. One wrote a note on my paper and told me that the school psychologist was a very friendly and gentle person I could go to talk to if I needed. At least someone paid attention. However, I didn't have the strength to make an appointment with him on my own. It took my boyfriend at the time going down to guidance and telling them they thought something was wrong with my mother and the way she treated me to get me in any sort of counseling situation. One day I was in health class and they paged me to go down to the guidance office. I thought I was in trouble or something. Anyway, the airhead of a guidance counselor I had decided she would be my 'therapist.' She was not helpful in the least, until I told her I was suicidal and she called my dad. My dad listened to her and found me a social worker to talk to. That was the beginning of the great downfall; though it seemed like things were getting better, things were actually about to get much worse.
Monday, August 25, 2008
"You know you're not the only one"
It's pretty muggy here. My housemate decided to make an appearance today. She lives here like four days a year. It is a waste of money for her to pay rent to a place where she doesn't live. Why should I care? Well, she has the nicest room in this house, it has a private bathroom and two closets.
My therapist Jeanne is going on vacation starting next week. She has not yet broke the news of how long she will be gone. She asked me if I wanted someone to talk to while she was gone, if my other therapist would suffice for that period of time. I told her I guess that I will be ok with just him for a while. It is scary how dependent I am on Jeanne to be there to listen to my weekly stockpile of grievance. Dr. K just keeps a low profile and doesn't say much other than uh-huh, or yeah. Jeanne actually gets involved and pays very close attention (in fact sometimes too close attention) to my emotions. And, as of late, there is quite a range of emotion flowing through me. To quote one of my favorite bands, Evanescence:
"So afraid to open your eyes- hypnotized
you know you're not the only one
never understood this life
and you're right I don't deserve but you know I'm not the only one"
That was from their song, 'The Only One' off of their 'The Open Door' album. I have never understood this life and probably never will.
My therapist Jeanne is going on vacation starting next week. She has not yet broke the news of how long she will be gone. She asked me if I wanted someone to talk to while she was gone, if my other therapist would suffice for that period of time. I told her I guess that I will be ok with just him for a while. It is scary how dependent I am on Jeanne to be there to listen to my weekly stockpile of grievance. Dr. K just keeps a low profile and doesn't say much other than uh-huh, or yeah. Jeanne actually gets involved and pays very close attention (in fact sometimes too close attention) to my emotions. And, as of late, there is quite a range of emotion flowing through me. To quote one of my favorite bands, Evanescence:
"So afraid to open your eyes- hypnotized
you know you're not the only one
never understood this life
and you're right I don't deserve but you know I'm not the only one"
That was from their song, 'The Only One' off of their 'The Open Door' album. I have never understood this life and probably never will.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
What about consumers?
My boyfriend and I were thinking about attending a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting this week coming up. So I called up and asked someone for driving directions and the woman on the phone asked me who would be attending. I said myself and my boyfriend. Then she asked: “do you have a loved one?” I said no, that I suffer (from mental illness) and so does my boyfriend. Then she quickly said that they were looking to have consumers attend their meetings. That means that we will be the only ‘consumers’ to attend. Apparently their "support group" is for family and friends of the mentally ill. So, off the bat I automatically thought to myself: ‘great, a bitchfest.’ There are probably parents of mentally ill amongst the attendees and we are probably in for a long night.
I have issues with parents. I don’t think I’ve made it quite clear how much so in my blog as of yet, but it is sure to come up in future posts. The major reason for that is that many abuse their children.
Here are some important facts from:
http://www.annafoundation.org/D-MI.html
The references for this article are at the bottom of the above webpage.
“Facts and Discussion Points:
1--Fifty to seventy percent of all women and a substantial number of men treated in psychiatric settings have histories of sexual or physical abuse, or both.1-3
2--Up to 81% of men and women in psychiatric hospitals who are diagnosed with a variety of major mental illnesses have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. Sixty-seven percent of these men and women were abused as children.4
3--Seventy-four percent of Maine ’s Augusta Mental Health Institute consumers, interviewed as class members, reported histories of sexual and physical abuse.5
6--Childhood abuse can result in adult experiences of shame, flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use, feelings of humiliation and unworthiness, ugliness, and profound terror.12-18
7--Adults who were abused during childhood are:
* more than twice as likely to have at least one lifetime psychiatric diagnosis;
* almost three times as likely to have an affective disorder;
* almost three times as likely to have an anxiety disorder;
* almost 2 1/2 times as likely to have phobias;
* more than 10 times as likely to have a panic disorder; and
* almost 4 times as likely to have an antisocial personality disorder.19
9--Adults who were abused as children may be more prone to developing schizophrenia. A high rate of childhood physical and sexual abuse is evident among children later diagnosed as schizophrenic, with a strong link between childhood abuse and hearing voices. In addition, changes in the brain seen in abused children were similar to those found in adults with schizophrenia.2111--For adults and adolescents with childhood abuse histories, the risk of suicide increases 4- to 12-fold.23
12--Most self-injurers have a history of childhood physical or sexual abuse. Forty percent of persons who self-injure are men.24–26 "Note that I did not include all of the facts from the article, the rest can be found at the webpage above. I myself was abused as a child, both physically and verbally/emotionally (see #9).
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Coincidence or not?
Yesterday I was taking a walk through the neighborhood, the same path as usual. I was listening to some music so a lot of the environment surrounding me was tuned out. There were two sightings along my walk in particular that grabbed my attention. The first was when I happened to look down at the sidewalk. I noticed a butterfly opening and closing it's wings right there along the walkway. The other was closer to the end of my walk, on my street actually. I noticed a black cat staring at me on someone's lawn. As I walked by it just stood there, staring. Both of these sightings I found rather interesting, particularly because I just started this blog not too many days ago. Not only does the title of my blog refer to butterflies, but also I have a daily picture and a link about black cats on it as well. I attribute these sightings to synchronicity.
Synchronicity, according to Merriam-Webster Online is as follows:
"synchronicity
It's been a while since I've studied psychology, so I had to refresh my memory on the concept. I shall include a link about Carl Jung's synchronicity in my relevant links section. There is much skepticism about synchronicity, as according to skepdic.com, they attribute it to the human mind's ability to find meaning and significance where there is none.
Certainly people suffering from schizophrenia/psychosis often find meanings in our everyday surroundings. Being hyper-vigilant is one of the symptoms I have had in the past. There is a website though that argues that synchronicity is not psychosis .
Whether or not you believe in synchronicity, is entirely your choice. Fact is though, that coincidences happen- whether synchronous or not. I do happen to know however that Synchronicity II is an awesome song by The Police. :)
Synchronicity, according to Merriam-Webster Online is as follows:
"synchronicity
- Main Entry:
- syn·chro·nic·i·ty
- Pronunciation:
- \ˌsiŋ-krə-ˈni-sə-tē, ˌsin-\
- Function:
- noun
- Inflected Form(s):
- plural syn·chro·nic·i·ties
- Date:
- circa 1889
1 : the quality or fact of being synchronous 2 : the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung"
It's been a while since I've studied psychology, so I had to refresh my memory on the concept. I shall include a link about Carl Jung's synchronicity in my relevant links section. There is much skepticism about synchronicity, as according to skepdic.com, they attribute it to the human mind's ability to find meaning and significance where there is none.
Certainly people suffering from schizophrenia/psychosis often find meanings in our everyday surroundings. Being hyper-vigilant is one of the symptoms I have had in the past. There is a website though that argues that synchronicity is not psychosis .
Whether or not you believe in synchronicity, is entirely your choice. Fact is though, that coincidences happen- whether synchronous or not. I do happen to know however that Synchronicity II is an awesome song by The Police. :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
"Where am I?"
Yesterday I got what seemed to be a mass mailing from someone involved in the volunteer program I was trying to get involved in. It had something to do with some party they are going to have. I was wondering why I got this email, because after I filed my volunteer application, no one ever got back to me. So, why would I be getting an email about a party?
Then late last night another email from the same person appeared in my inbox. It was a much shorter email and it was stating that they need help Thursday and Monday and asked if I had the time to help clean and feed the cats. My name wasn't in the email at all, so it could have been another mass mailing. I don't know what the deal is, why no one ever got back to me and now all of a sudden I am hearing from someone that I don't even know and has never introduced himself. I guess somehow I got on their mailing list.
I have this recurring dream in which I am at the train station but I am at the wrong one. It's always an issue how I am going to get home. Last night I had this dream, and it lasted for what seemed to be a long time while ending at the part where I am at the train station. I was a psychology major, but I am not sure what to make of this dream. Perhaps it is as simple as the concept that I feel lost. The other day I started to write a poem about how I feel lost. It goes as follows:
Then late last night another email from the same person appeared in my inbox. It was a much shorter email and it was stating that they need help Thursday and Monday and asked if I had the time to help clean and feed the cats. My name wasn't in the email at all, so it could have been another mass mailing. I don't know what the deal is, why no one ever got back to me and now all of a sudden I am hearing from someone that I don't even know and has never introduced himself. I guess somehow I got on their mailing list.
I have this recurring dream in which I am at the train station but I am at the wrong one. It's always an issue how I am going to get home. Last night I had this dream, and it lasted for what seemed to be a long time while ending at the part where I am at the train station. I was a psychology major, but I am not sure what to make of this dream. Perhaps it is as simple as the concept that I feel lost. The other day I started to write a poem about how I feel lost. It goes as follows:
something is dying
inside.
when I don’t know who that person is?
somewhere along the way
over the years
I got lost.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
'Kendra's Law'
It has come to my attention that I am clearly more depressed than I thought. Sometimes it is hard to see out of the fog. I do believe that my depression this time around is merely situational depression. There is a lot of crap on my mind that is bothering me.
I went for a physical last Friday to get necessary paperwork for my housing application. The doc told me that I had a slight heart murmur. This freaked me out, I did not say or ask anything. I am always worried about my heart and this was just some fuel for the fire. It took me back to a conversation I had a long time ago with a fellow mentally ill friend. He had told me he had a heart attack and warned me about psych meds f'ing with my heart. He said something about his heart valve being damaged by his antipsychotic. I immediately attributed my heart murmur to long term effects of my medicine. If my heart murmur is slight now, could it get worse with the continual doses of perphenazine and Abilify? If that is the case I am doomed.
I cannot go off of this medication. The one time I did, the hospital took me to court to have me mandated to take my meds in a supervised community residence. It is Kendra's Law-a law stemming from a schizophrenic committing a horrific criminal act while off his medication. I did NOT commit any crimes. Not all schizophrenics are prone to violence when symptomatic, contrary to popular belief. In fact, they coerced me into lying to the judge- saying that I was non-compliant with medication three times. I was only non-compliant once. But if I didn't go along with the lie, I would not ever get out of the hospital they said. I assume they meant they'd send me to a state institution. Is that horrific or what? I think so.
I went for a physical last Friday to get necessary paperwork for my housing application. The doc told me that I had a slight heart murmur. This freaked me out, I did not say or ask anything. I am always worried about my heart and this was just some fuel for the fire. It took me back to a conversation I had a long time ago with a fellow mentally ill friend. He had told me he had a heart attack and warned me about psych meds f'ing with my heart. He said something about his heart valve being damaged by his antipsychotic. I immediately attributed my heart murmur to long term effects of my medicine. If my heart murmur is slight now, could it get worse with the continual doses of perphenazine and Abilify? If that is the case I am doomed.
I cannot go off of this medication. The one time I did, the hospital took me to court to have me mandated to take my meds in a supervised community residence. It is Kendra's Law-a law stemming from a schizophrenic committing a horrific criminal act while off his medication. I did NOT commit any crimes. Not all schizophrenics are prone to violence when symptomatic, contrary to popular belief. In fact, they coerced me into lying to the judge- saying that I was non-compliant with medication three times. I was only non-compliant once. But if I didn't go along with the lie, I would not ever get out of the hospital they said. I assume they meant they'd send me to a state institution. Is that horrific or what? I think so.
Monday, August 18, 2008
It isn't easy being blue...
I got into a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday about our psychiatric medications. In particular, the damaging physical effects they have on our bodies. The question I have is how could the FDA approve these medicines when they do so much physical damage? They can cause excessive weight gain, contribute to the onset of diabetes, cause cerebral edema, can f$#% up the QT interval of the heart, and I am sure my kidneys and liver aren't loving the meds either. Those are just a few. The biggie side effect that I am most concerned about is Tardive Dyskinesia. It is a potentially irreversible neurological disorder. It can cause repetitive involuntary movements of the face, tongue, lips, arms, legs, or trunk. I saw my own grandmother develop TD when she was put on the same medication I am on. She was constantly making a chewing motion, as if she was chewing gum all the time. It made it difficult to feed her when she was sick with Alzheimer's.
I answered my own question though, I think it's because they are desperate to keep us mentally ill under control. Benefits outweigh the risks sort of concept. But I often wonder if I am really benefited by being out in our society nowadays.
It is so hard to try and make it in this world when you have people telling you that you are not capable of working full-time and if you work part-time most of the money is taken away due to rent increases and loss of benefits. I am on disability by the way. I live at poverty level. I have a car, thanks to Mom. If I smoked I could not afford to have my car. But just living on disability with a car is a struggle itself. My free dial-up internet is now non-existent. I feel having my computer and the internet helps to keep me sane though, so I pay for the slowest, cheapest DSL. If my car were to need a repair, I would not be able to pay for it. I am lucky if I can save $25 a month. I would not have my own transportation if it weren't for my parents looking out for me. I have doctors literally all over the place. It is imperative that I can transport myself, as Medicaid will not pay for a taxi out of the nine mile radius. I cannot afford to buy clothes, or even shoes. Payless is a store that I now consider a luxury. My boyfriend gave me a $25 gift card to the food store so I could have food until my next paycheck as I only get $24 a month in foodstamps.
Once in a blue moon I go to the mall and walk by all these super expensive, ritzy stores. I see people walking around with multiple bags in hand. The only time I'll have a bag in hand at the mall is if it was just Christmas or my birthday and I was using my gift money. My family is middle class and can afford to give me some money at those times of the year. I know that I am lucky to have my family, as dysfunctional as they might be. My gift money often ends up being spent on gas for my car or food. I try to eat as cheaply as I can. I suppose I qualify for going to the food pantry. Maybe I will do that soon.
I applied for Section 8 government subsidized housing but I honestly don't think I could afford living there by myself. I could not foot the bills on the money I have now. I think I will always be in supported housing.
So, being able to get to my doctor appointments and having food on the table is always a worry for me. It eats away at me. As if having depression and schizophrenia weren't enough of a mind drain. I know I could be worse off, but I could also be so much better off. It is always an uncomfortable experience to attend family gatherings and parties. People always love to ask: "what do you do?". I can't even express how badly I'd like to be able to say I am working in some sort of job and actually be honest. Saying that I am out of work sort of kills the conversation. I suppose if I told them that I am mentally ill and/or on disability, that would kill the conversation also. The people that already do know about my mental illness often tell me that I "look good." They are not saying this because they think I am good looking, they are saying this because they don't know what else to say. I don't want their pity. I feel bad enough already.
Anyway, I've often contemplated being permanently institutionalized. I would not have to worry about food and getting to the doctor. There's a catch though, I'd want to refuse psych meds and ECT. I would accept the occasional injection of Haldol, as it is meant to be used- a temporary tranquilizer. Naturally, I'd have to be actively symptomatic to be institutionalized. Some people feel that I would lose all freedom. I don't think that way, I feel like if I were allowed to live off psych meds, and live with my illness, then I would be truly free. My body would no longer be poisoned. I would no longer suffer from the stress of being at poverty level in this society. I'd be with people like me. I would gain back some of my personality that is flattened by the antipsychotics and my artistic creativity. I know this because I went off of meds once in the past. I would gain back my emotions and not feel so numb.
I am not going to take that path though. I don't think I'd be allowed to refuse meds in an institution and I would lose the few people in my life that mean something to me. As tough as times may be, love keeps me here.
I answered my own question though, I think it's because they are desperate to keep us mentally ill under control. Benefits outweigh the risks sort of concept. But I often wonder if I am really benefited by being out in our society nowadays.
It is so hard to try and make it in this world when you have people telling you that you are not capable of working full-time and if you work part-time most of the money is taken away due to rent increases and loss of benefits. I am on disability by the way. I live at poverty level. I have a car, thanks to Mom. If I smoked I could not afford to have my car. But just living on disability with a car is a struggle itself. My free dial-up internet is now non-existent. I feel having my computer and the internet helps to keep me sane though, so I pay for the slowest, cheapest DSL. If my car were to need a repair, I would not be able to pay for it. I am lucky if I can save $25 a month. I would not have my own transportation if it weren't for my parents looking out for me. I have doctors literally all over the place. It is imperative that I can transport myself, as Medicaid will not pay for a taxi out of the nine mile radius. I cannot afford to buy clothes, or even shoes. Payless is a store that I now consider a luxury. My boyfriend gave me a $25 gift card to the food store so I could have food until my next paycheck as I only get $24 a month in foodstamps.
Once in a blue moon I go to the mall and walk by all these super expensive, ritzy stores. I see people walking around with multiple bags in hand. The only time I'll have a bag in hand at the mall is if it was just Christmas or my birthday and I was using my gift money. My family is middle class and can afford to give me some money at those times of the year. I know that I am lucky to have my family, as dysfunctional as they might be. My gift money often ends up being spent on gas for my car or food. I try to eat as cheaply as I can. I suppose I qualify for going to the food pantry. Maybe I will do that soon.
I applied for Section 8 government subsidized housing but I honestly don't think I could afford living there by myself. I could not foot the bills on the money I have now. I think I will always be in supported housing.
So, being able to get to my doctor appointments and having food on the table is always a worry for me. It eats away at me. As if having depression and schizophrenia weren't enough of a mind drain. I know I could be worse off, but I could also be so much better off. It is always an uncomfortable experience to attend family gatherings and parties. People always love to ask: "what do you do?". I can't even express how badly I'd like to be able to say I am working in some sort of job and actually be honest. Saying that I am out of work sort of kills the conversation. I suppose if I told them that I am mentally ill and/or on disability, that would kill the conversation also. The people that already do know about my mental illness often tell me that I "look good." They are not saying this because they think I am good looking, they are saying this because they don't know what else to say. I don't want their pity. I feel bad enough already.
Anyway, I've often contemplated being permanently institutionalized. I would not have to worry about food and getting to the doctor. There's a catch though, I'd want to refuse psych meds and ECT. I would accept the occasional injection of Haldol, as it is meant to be used- a temporary tranquilizer. Naturally, I'd have to be actively symptomatic to be institutionalized. Some people feel that I would lose all freedom. I don't think that way, I feel like if I were allowed to live off psych meds, and live with my illness, then I would be truly free. My body would no longer be poisoned. I would no longer suffer from the stress of being at poverty level in this society. I'd be with people like me. I would gain back some of my personality that is flattened by the antipsychotics and my artistic creativity. I know this because I went off of meds once in the past. I would gain back my emotions and not feel so numb.
I am not going to take that path though. I don't think I'd be allowed to refuse meds in an institution and I would lose the few people in my life that mean something to me. As tough as times may be, love keeps me here.
Friday, August 15, 2008
A little background...
I've suffered from depression ever since I was 13 years old. When it started, I was obsessed with death and romanticized suicide. I had visions of hanging myself from this one tree in my backyard. On Halloween at the age of 14, I took a knife to my wrist. Nothing happened, as I was just playing with knives. I wanted to see how difficult it would be to cut myself. I was far too weak to do any harm to myself at that point. Some might argue that I was not weak, but strong.
Over the years, I have confused the many mental health practitioners that treated me. I've had about a dozen different diagnoses. I find it rather amusing and it makes me question the 'science of psychiatry.' They all agreed that I had depression though. Quite frankly, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out! I made it very obvious.
The latest DSM-IV diagnosis of mine is Schizoaffective Disorder of the depressed type. I have never heard voices. I feel blessed that I have not suffered from voices. Schizoaffective disorder, by the way, is a combination of schizophrenia and depression.
I take a few psychiatric medications and see two therapists as well as a psychiatrist. My therapists are Dr. K and Jeanne. I can't decide between the two, so I figured I'd keep both of them. My insurance pays for both of them because one is a clinical psychologist and the other is a social worker.
I am in a serious relationship and we are trying to get couples housing. He also has mental illness. I live in supported housing at the moment with two housemates. They are smokers and I don't smoke. Most supported housing options around here have smoking tenants. If I had decided to wait until a non-smoking house became available, I would probably still be waiting.
I come from a dysfunctional family, and I'll leave it at that. I don't think that is at all uncommon nowadays.
I have struggled with my weight for many years now. Psych meds can screw up your appetite and metabolism. My appetite is much smaller nowadays, though for some reason lately I have been getting sugar cravings after dinner. I have tried a commerical dieting program and succeeded on that once. Then my meds got increased and I put back on some of the pounds. Damn meds.
I like to write poetry and paint. Bob Ross is my artistic inspiration. My poetry stems from my mental health issues and my relationships.
Over the years, I have confused the many mental health practitioners that treated me. I've had about a dozen different diagnoses. I find it rather amusing and it makes me question the 'science of psychiatry.' They all agreed that I had depression though. Quite frankly, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out! I made it very obvious.
The latest DSM-IV diagnosis of mine is Schizoaffective Disorder of the depressed type. I have never heard voices. I feel blessed that I have not suffered from voices. Schizoaffective disorder, by the way, is a combination of schizophrenia and depression.
I take a few psychiatric medications and see two therapists as well as a psychiatrist. My therapists are Dr. K and Jeanne. I can't decide between the two, so I figured I'd keep both of them. My insurance pays for both of them because one is a clinical psychologist and the other is a social worker.
I am in a serious relationship and we are trying to get couples housing. He also has mental illness. I live in supported housing at the moment with two housemates. They are smokers and I don't smoke. Most supported housing options around here have smoking tenants. If I had decided to wait until a non-smoking house became available, I would probably still be waiting.
I come from a dysfunctional family, and I'll leave it at that. I don't think that is at all uncommon nowadays.
I have struggled with my weight for many years now. Psych meds can screw up your appetite and metabolism. My appetite is much smaller nowadays, though for some reason lately I have been getting sugar cravings after dinner. I have tried a commerical dieting program and succeeded on that once. Then my meds got increased and I put back on some of the pounds. Damn meds.
I like to write poetry and paint. Bob Ross is my artistic inspiration. My poetry stems from my mental health issues and my relationships.
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