Falling...

I told my therapist yesterday about the mysterious bruises on my arm. She thought it was really strange and asked me if I had been 'losing time.' What she meant was had I been in another personality state and blacked it all out; hence, losing time. My other therapist, Dr.K., had apparently observed me in multiple personality states several years ago and thinks I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He thinks it is well under control with my medications.

I am often torn on what to think about his diagnosis. The reason being is that I have so much trouble making decisions. For example, whether or not to get a part-time job. I am frequently feeling one way one day and then take the opposite stand on another day. I could go to sleep at night and wake up feeling a totally different way than the night before, in terms of a decision to make or certainty of something. I change moods almost as frequently as I change my socks or underwear, or possibly more often than that even. I really don't know what's up with it.

This is why sometimes I feel like being institutionalized. I wouldn't have to make so many decisions anymore. It's like I don't want to take responsibility for myself. My strength is just so lacking. I don't know how to become stronger.

"You
In your shell
Are you waiting for someone to rescue you
From yourself
Don't be disappointed when no one comes"

The above verse is from the song 'Falling' by the band Staind.