Looking For a New Psychiatrist

It's going to be difficult finding a new doctor. Not many doctors want to deal with Medicaid. I had to call my current psychiatrist yesterday because I've been having trouble sleeping. I didn't get to go into the office, but the nurse practitioner prescribed Dalmane (flurazepam). It's one of the benzodiazepines; it's a controlled substance. I have no history of abusing any drugs so they didn't hesitate to prescribe it for me. I am supposed to take one or two 15 mg pills at bedtime. I took one last night, and although I slept better than I have been, I still had a vivid dream and woke up once around 6 and then finally at 8. I was hoping I'd sleep until 10 am. I feel like I could use more sleep than I've been getting.

I didn't take the keyboard specialist exam last Saturday because of my mental status. I just wasn't up to it and I felt resting would be a wiser option.

I am kind of kicking myself over the Dalmane, because I think I might have been better off with Klonopin. I don't think the Dalmane is intended to use during the day and I am still having terrible anxiety, despite having taken 1 mg last night. Perhaps I should take the full two, but then my supply would only last about two weeks and I don't have another appointment until January 8th. :( On top of that, I had to lay out $11.00 for the medicine as my insurance doesn't cover it. That's not all that bad, but I still have to buy presents.

I went shopping with my sister last night for my parent's Christmas presents. I am glad we got that over with. Afterwards we went to Friendly's restaurant and got ice cream sundaes. I haven't told her about my PTSD; I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her while she is still living at my parents' house.

Past Issues and Current Success

Last night I met with another child abuse survivor. She was older than me, 50, but we had a lot in common despite the age difference. It was good to talk with someone who understood what I went through as a child and what I am going through now, as a grown adult survivor. I have so much anger, anxiety, and depression inside me and my whole life I've been afraid of people and I am sick of it. Part of the problem with life is that so many people are in denial. One big step I need to take is to validate my feelings so I can deal with them instead of ignoring them and going numb.

My sister still lives with my parents, and I wish I could get her out of there but I can't. She is smoking and drinking very heavily and it worries me.

Today at work the person training me was not there. I was all alone except for the secretaries and the doctors. It was a bit scary, but I got through it. I felt like I was ready to cry when I left. I challenged myself by not calling in sick and succeeded at getting through the day. Being out of work for almost ten years took a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem. It felt good to succeed at something.

Believing

I had an intense therapy session today with my psychologist, Sally. Basically I told her about an incident following watching part of a family home video on Thanksgiving. A day later I started getting severely depressed when I spoke of it, on the verge of tears, but I was at my boyfriend's house and didn't want to cry there. I ended up crying in therapy today and when I went into why it upset me I pretty much started sobbing and could not stop.

For the first time ever, a clinician told me I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. Nine years ago my boyfriend at the time tried to convince my psychiatrist (who happens to be my psych doc now) that I had it and she would not hear it. She has never believed that I was abused; she even wrote on my psych eval : 'No history of abuse'. I switched psychiatrists but ended up back under her care when there were not much other options with my insurance.

I've known all along that I have suffered from PTSD, but no one would believe me. My therapists all believed that I was abused, one thought I had MPD/DID, another thought I had DDNOS (Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). I have experienced psychosis but I have discovered that psychotic symptoms can occur with PTSD. I found this information from the website: http://ptsd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Psychosis.htm. I have copied and pasted an excerpt below:

"Psychotic Symptoms in PTSD

Researchers at the University of Manitoba, Columbia University, and the University of Regina examined the data on 5,877 people from across the United States in order to determine the rates with which people with PTSD experience different psychotic symptoms.

They found that, among people with PTSD, the experience of positive psychotic symptoms was most common. Approximately 52% of people who reported having PTSD at some point in their lifetime also reported experiencing a positive psychotic symptom.

The most common positive symptoms were:

• Believing that other people were spying on or following them (27.5%)
  
  
• Seeing something that others could not see (19.8%)
  
  
• Having unusual feelings inside or outside of their bodies, such as feeling as though they were being touched when no one was really there (16.8%)
  
  
• Believing that they could hear what someone else was thinking (12.4%)
  
  
• Being bothered by strange smells that no one else could smell (10.3%)
  
  
• Believing that their behaviors and thoughts were bring controlled by some power or force (10%)

The researchers also found evidence that the more PTSD symptoms a person was experiencing, the greater the likelihood that they would also experience positive psychotic symptoms."

Anxiety and Depression

I've been working at the clinic and university as part of the internship for a couple of weeks now. My anxiety isn't as bad as I thought it would be. At least not when I am at work. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and on Sunday I had a bit of an anxiety attack. Basically my breathing was shallow, all because I was anticipating work on Tuesday. It only lasted a few minutes but it was pretty uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety (when I wasn't working or in the internship) so bad that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It is odd that now that I have a job, the anxiety isn't as bad as it had been. I guess the structure is helping.

My last therapist Jeanne used to bill me with the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Just one of the many diagnoses I've had over the years. Another was depression. I actually was reading a book in Borders the other day, it was about what you need to know about psychiatric drugs. I actually learned about the different types of depression that I did not know about. My depression resembles the description of atypical depression. According to healthyplace.com, it is described as:

"Sufferers of depression with atypical features will respond to negative or positive external events. They'll feel deeply depressed or somewhat hopeful depending on the latest situation they are faced with. Their mood will brighten considerably when dining out with friends or enjoying a good movie. But when they are alone, their mood will slip back into the dark depths of depression."

And in another excerpt:

"This type of depression is very common in women. The symptoms of overeating, oversleeping, hypersensitivity to rejection (especially romantic rejection) and intermittent panic attacks, are characteristic of atypical depression. This type of depression usually begins in adolescence and, if untreated, will often continue throughout life."

Mine started in adolescence, which is the age the website stated that it can begin. Back then I hadn't started psych meds; I didn't start meds until I was 20 but, by then, I had other problems to deal with. Reading the book in the store reminded me of my pain.

On Saturday I am supposed to take the Keyboard Specialist exam again. I don't know if I really want to take it anymore. To be honest, I don't know if I want to work full-time in the future. I think part-time is best for me. The keyboard specialist job pays too much for part-time, I would lose my benefits. I spent almost ten years unemployed, and it is difficult getting used to working again.

Quick, clean your room!

I recently updated my housing application for couples housing. My boyfriend updated his too. I don't know this for sure, but it kinda sounds like we missed an opening because our applications weren't up to date. My boyfriend is going to call about it today. No one notified us to say that our applications needed to be updated. It just so happens I called to see what was going on and at that time they said I had to update.

Today is a day off for me but I had to wake up early to clean my room. My housing counselor comes every other Thursday morning and often checks the whole house. I've been told in the past that my room was 'cluttered.' She kinda suggested that I get rid of some furniture. That is not happening. So every other Thursday morning I scramble to get my room tidy enough to pass inspection. I finished cleaning my room today so now I just have to wait around; she should be here in a little while.

I went to the NAMI meeting last night, and was told that the usual leader of the group was not well. Someone else from our group ran it, and I think it went pretty well. There was only the guy running the group and one other person besides me.

I have therapy today finally. I canceled on her recently and she canceled on me last week so it's been a while. My therapist has a chronic coughing issue. Every session, she has at least one coughing spell and gets water, iced tea, or a cough drop. She has a platter of cough drops on her table and often offers me one. I often wonder if she is addicted to cough drops.

After therapy, I am going to preview some of the winter coats in the stores. My mom is going to take me shopping tomorrow night for a new coat. Even though I am working part time right now, I cannot afford a new coat. I am very appreciative that my mom helps me out in such matters. Someday I hope to be able to afford those things.

Internship placement and knee pain

I just received a phone call from the University I attended, they said they were calling to see how I am doing, but what they were really calling for was a donation. When she asked if I was home, I said she's not home. When they asked when is a good time to call, I said in the morning. I won't be home tomorrow morning.

The internship placement is going well; I completed my first week last week. It is very easy
"busywork". Clerical is not that challenging for me, but the way the job market is, there are more jobs in clerical than in human services. I can take the State test again in December and hopefully by the time the internship is over, i can interview for that job again. This time I am not putting down my college education, because on my last interview they flat out said I was overqualified.

Lately my right knee has been troubling me. I have Chondromalacia patella. I have tilted knee caps, which are not uncommon in women, but I have cartilage damage of my right knee. Basically, my knee hurts when I am sitting and my knee is bent to a certain extent. The more it is bent, the more likely there will be pain after a while. I get some relief by crossing my legs, as that seems to stretch out the knee a little bit. I considered surgery once, but they told me if I can live with it, I should live with it. I am going to an orthopedist and will see if I can try physical therapy again.

Angry

So I've been a little bit angry lately. One thing that bothered me was that someone from my internship was kicked out (when I was out doing my interviews) because she was getting symptomatic. The people running the internship are not psychiatrists. I don't think it was right. We talked a few times, and I felt like she could have possibly been a friend. Now there is no chance of that.

My sister has been placing me as a last priority lately. The other night she said she was coming over, but her friend apparently kept talking and talking and she didn't text me until an hour later explaining that. She could have told her friend that she promised her sister she'd hang out, or she could have at least texted me a bit sooner than an hour after she said she was leaving to come over my house. Whatever. I guess it is no fun for her to hang out with me since I don't drink.

Back to the internship subject, I finally have a placement. It's at the university local to me and I'd be doing clerical work. That's good. One of the other interns was placed there too, so I think I might have some competition regarding getting hired afterwards. We will see.

I am going to a NAMI support group tomorrow night. I go every month and have found it to be helpful.

Two interviews in one day...

I got the Michael Jackson tickets! My boyfriend, sister, and I are going during the last week of the month.

I had two job interviews today for the NYS Keyboard Specialist position. I told the internship that I had a doctor's appointment. I was nervous; I kept waking up last night and was thinking about what I would say on my interviews. The first interview at campus residences went relatively well, from what I could tell. I felt that I gave good answers. The second interview, which was at the dental school, didn't go as well, as the lady in charge told me that I was overqualified because of my college degree. After she said that I knew the interview was pretty much shot. There were a lot of applicants for both jobs which sucks. At least I am getting practice interviewing.

So the internship is going okay but they haven't found a placement for me yet. I told them that I wanted something clerical and close to home. They were thinking about placing me somewhere relatively far from home. I might end up having to go there if they can't find something else. Most people have their placements already, and me not going in today is probably not speeding up my placement. Oh well, the interviews were important. If I could land a job with the State and make it through the probation period, I'd be set.

My grandmother (dad's mom) came back to NY from the place in Oregon she was staying at, her permanent home is in AZ. I hope I get to see her a couple of times during her visit.

Job Issues/Support

I had an upsetting phone conversation with my aunt this morning. It was about my internship. I am thinking of looking for a competitive job while I am at this internship. I finally found out some ideas about where the internship wants to place me. They were thinking of placing me somewhere with senior citizens doing arts and crafts. I just don't think that that will lead me in the path I want to go in. I've decided that I want to stick with clerical work. I am going to re-take the keyboard specialist exam in December. In the meantime, I want to work on my resume and go to the one-stop employment center and take classes on Microsoft Excel (it's been ten years since I've used it) and Access (which I've never used). My aunt doesn't think I should do this and she upset me because she was saying that this internship was my only chance in a roundabout way. I love my aunt very much, but like my relationship with my mom, I have to keep boundaries and be careful of what I discuss with her. I was in tears by the middle of the phone call and then I told her another call was coming in because she would not stop her 'lecture'. Sigh.

I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean it is ok to bash someone's confidence into a million pieces. I am looking for support when I talk to my boyfriend, friends, and family. Sometimes my family is not my strongest support system. Speaking of support systems, my therapist Sally has been on vacation again. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks. I really could use therapy now, and I am hoping that when I do go back to her, it will be effective. The last two sessions I had with her ended early because they lacked direction and I didn't know what to say. I want to establish direction and purpose to my therapy; I'd like to work on some issues instead of just talking about daily life. I have plenty of issues to talk about, just have to wait until October 1st.

I am excited to purchase tickets to the Michael Jackson 'This Is It' movie on Sunday. I have to call my local movie theater and make sure they will have them there.

Car accident

It has been a long time since I last posted. Things are going well with my internship, I am getting to work on time without a problem. Waking up in the morning isn't really that big of a task- I used to have a lot more trouble getting up early. I had a car accident recently though- one that I feel completely stupid about. I hit a curb in the parking lot before going to work and I hit it with such force that my airbags deployed. My car is drive-able, but I just won't have airbags from now on. Accidents happen. It just makes me question going to my internship, all the wear and tear on my car. I also got a call from the cat shelter and they would like me to come in to help with socialization. It would be something to do if I didn't have the internship and I would have time to look for a more local job. I don't know. I just don't think it would be possible for me to be going to the internship three days a week, therapy another day, and then the cat shelter. All of those trips are about 45 min away from my house.

I am meeting with my job coach tomorrow (after my internship) and most likely will talk to her about this.

I found out that when my boyfriend and I get called for couples housing, we will most likely be able to have a two bedroom apartment. That is pretty good news.

My friend is looking for her own apartment now. She has poor credit; hopefully she will be able to find a place. I would be very upset if she moved to Florida with her mother.

A good first day and a bad dream...

My first day at the internship (on the job!) went well. I got there an hour early and sat in my car in the shade until a few minutes before I had to be there. People were fairly friendly there. The day treatment clients were even more friendly. I didn't even use a full quarter of a tank of gas there and back, which is pretty good considering I have a 6 cylinder engine. We were mainly filling out career inventory paperwork. One of the tasks was to write about three of your accomplishments (or overcome obstacles) and to discuss how you went about them and the outcome. That was probably the most difficult part of the day, aside from merging onto the busy highway.

Tonight I have to move my alarm clock across the room. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and I didn't even have to go to the internship today. I am going to bed early tonight and hopefully will have an easier time getting up tomorrow. Yesterday, I woke up before my alarm even went off.

I had a bad dream last night, well two of them, but I will mention the first one. It was another disturbing dream, like I am being haunted by my grandparents. This time in my dream, I saw my grandmother and told her how happy I was to see her and then she started crying. Then I told her I loved her 'so much.' It was a vision of her before her Alzheimer's took over her brain. Following my last words to her, I woke up. I think I might have had this dream because I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before her Alzheimer's and dementia stole her from me and my family. I am no expert dream analyst- it is just a thought. Even though I may no longer be crying on the outside, I am weeping from within.

A start of a new chapter...

Tomorrow I start my internship. I am just relaxing and getting ready tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow; I am going to leave myself about an hour extra for the commute. I don't know how the traffic is, so I want to be on the safe side. I am hoping this internship will open up some possibilities as well as give me the confidence to work again.

I found out my boyfriend might not be moving back home at the end of the month. He was going to leave the student rental house and go back about an hour away from me. It is not definite, but it is a nice thought that he might not be so far away. We had a nice weekend together, cooked a couple of different meals. I bought two cookbooks on sale at Borders the other night and there are lots of dishes that look/sound good in them.

We are still waiting for couples housing to call us.

Got it!

I received a phone call this afternoon from the internship that I applied and interviewed for many months ago. They told me that I was accepted. I start Monday August 10th. This is exciting and scary for me at the same time. There is a chance that I will have to drive people around after the training, and most likely it would be in areas I am not familiar with. My internship is in an area I am not familiar with at all. This scares me a bit.

I figure I could try the internship out, give it a chance. I will lose my foodstamps, but if I someday get a job opportunity from this, it would have been worth it.

I enjoyed my family vacation and my birthday as well. I can't believe I am 32 now.

Family Vacation

This weekend I am going to be on a family vacation. My mom, dad, sister and I will be going upstate NY. It's our first family vacation in 9 years. We went in August of 2000 and it was mostly fighting. My sister seems to think it will be fighting this time, but I know I am in a different place than I was in '00. My parents are picking me up at 6 am (yikes!) on Saturday. I have a lot of my stuff together for the trip, but will do my final packing tomorrow.

My birthday is next week, I'll be 32 years old. I got my b-day present early- a digital camera. There is a lot to learn with using it, and most of what I need to learn is on my computer. It came with a very basic user guide and then a more detailed one on the cd. I've printed out a few pages of some of the key features I'll be using. I've hardly ever taken pictures throughout my life so far, so it will probably take some getting used to.

Recent post

I deleted my most recent post. I feel like sometimes when I write this blog, my mind takes a negative turn. I don't want to do that anymore.

I will write more when I am in a better frame of mind.

NYC bound

My parents treat me a whole lot better these days. My mother recently found a poem I wrote dedicated to her and she told me the reason she did not hang it up was because she felt like she didn't deserve it. She said she knows things were bad. This is the first acknowledgment I have gotten from her regarding our problematic past. I didn't continue the subject, because I think she genuinely feels bad and I didn't want to make her feel any worse. Despite everything that happened, I love her and would like to have a better mother/daughter relationship now that I am all grown up and out of their house.

I am going into NYC this week to visit my aunt. She is going to take me shopping for a birthday present, as my birthday is this month. I am going to get a manicure/pedicure and we are going to go out to dinner. After dinner, we are going to go on a cruise that will take us by the Statue of Liberty and will have live music. It should be fun. I am very grateful that my aunt invited me to visit.

Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

Death of a world icon

Yesterday I was deeply saddened by the news that Michael Jackson had passed away. I was in my dining room, had just finished dinner, when my sister called. I am glad I heard it from her, as she knew how big of fan that I was. I believe I still have the vinyl Thriller record album somewhere at my parents house. I had Bad on cassette tape. And the very first cd I ever bought was Dangerous. At first I couldn't believe it, that he had died. I had thought that he wouldn't pass on until I was in my fifties. I always thought he'd be around for a long time. "Jam" and "Human Nature" were two of my favorite songs by him.

I remember trying to sleep but not being able to filter out the music coming from my living room as my dad played and re-played a videotape of "We Are the World." Every Halloween, I'd bring out my Thriller record and play "Thriller" for the trick-or-treaters. My dad remembered this, as he called me last night to see how I was doing, assuming that I had heard the news. He said he remembered me playing "Thriller" and knew that I was probably upset. He was right. I am pretty choked up over the whole thing. After hearing the news, I was distracted for the whole evening. I woke up this morning and then the realization that it really happened hit me. It wasn't a good feeling.

Just as I had watched the funeral proceedings of Princess Diana, I want to be able to see the public ceremony for Michael Jackson on TV. May he rest in peace.

Kittens!

This morning was a rough one, I had some trouble waking up at 7:30. I was supposed to get up at 7, but then I tried for 7:30 and finally I woke up at 7:45. I wanted to have left my house by 7:45. I didn't get out the door until 8:05 am. I went to go volunteer at the cat shelter and they like to start work at around 8:30. I didn't get there until 9. Hopefully next week I will be able to get up earlier so I can get there on time.

I was assigned the 'kitten room.' Boy was I lucky. The kittens are so adorable; this one kitten I liked, Amanda, was all black with the most beautiful green eyes. She was born March 25th. There was a sign on the door with their names and when they were born. It is a lot of work to volunteer at this cat shelter, there is really a lot into the cleaning system there. Different litter, different food, each room has its own mop and broom assigned specifically for that room. I guess the most difficult task was the mopping of the floor, as they want you to dry the floor with a towel as you mop it so the kittens don't get too much into the cleaning fluid. Amanda was very vocal and demanded attention. She also tried to run out of the room several times, and succeeded twice. I have a feeling she might be adopted by the time I get back there next week. I held her up to my shoulder for a while, she really liked to be held. I wish I could adopt her!

So that was my excitement for the day today. My mood has been better lately with much less anxiety. My housemates are not talking to one another, apparently a huge fight went down when I was away this past weekend. My house counselor called a meeting today to try and resolve things between the two of them. It became clear that things will probably be different from now on.

Poetry

So I've been a bit bored lately, as my boyfriend has been very busy with school, and besides him I have about two irl (in real life) friends. Then there's my sister. My supposed 'best friend' has disappeared for now, something she does often though. I don't know why she won't call me back. :(

I took myself to the library and checked out some books for me to read while I am here in my room. One of the books I took out is: The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, edited by Karen V. Kukil. It is well-known that Sylvia Plath is a poet that committed suicide. She died at the age of 30.

When I would see my old psychologist, Dr. K, I often shared with him some of my poems. Many of my poems are 'dark' and he mentioned to me that some of what I had written seemed to be along the lines of Sylvia Plath. I hadn't read any of her poems, so I started reading some of them online. Some of her poems can be found at http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/. I particularly like "Mirror".

Although I write poetry, I am very uneducated on the subject. I got into poetry when I was suicidal at 14, and wanted an outlet from my pain. One day in the library, many years later, I stumbled across a book of poems by Nikki Giovanni. She is my favorite poet.

To me it did

Tonight I went to a NAMI peer-to-peer meeting and shared some of my story of what happened to my life when I got sick. The emotions I felt while I was sharing were pretty strong. Honestly for the past ten years I've been trying so hard to live a "semi-normal" life. It is frustrating to keep making attempts to find a job or volunteer and not succeed at it. I went to the cat shelter yesterday and was overwhelmed with all the tasks they want me to do. There are about thirty cats roaming around three rooms. I think I am going to call back the lady and ask her if I can do the socialization day instead. Right now I am dealing with some anxiety and trying to get back on track. I do want to have something productive to do, so I am going to see if I can still volunteer.

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, meaning, I am not comfortable living my life. I am afraid that I will be a failure to my family and to myself. I wish my dad could tell my grandmother that I got a job, or something else that would make her proud. My late grandfather was happy that I was such a good granddaughter, but I was able to help him out a lot. My one remaining grandmother is in Arizona and I cannot help her. My cousin, the shining star of the family, just passed the bar and is a lawyer now. She was the first grandchild to get married too. My grandparents on my mom's side were like parents to me. I feel bad that my mom's parents didn't even get to meet my current boyfriend. My grandfather would be happy that I am no longer with my ex. One of the last conversations my grandfather and I had was if I was seeing my ex a lot at the time. I told him "just once in a while." He said "good."

All I ever wanted was to make my family proud of me. I guess it shouldn't matter. But to me it did.

Repeat patient

So now that I am home again, I have lots of time to fill. In the hospital I was coloring in little kids coloring books with crayons and colored pencils. It is a good way to kill time when you're waiting for your doctor or your night-time meds.

I recently bought a book called "The Ultimate Tea Diet." So I was reading some of that today. I bought it for the extensive information about tea- I find it very interesting. I am a tea lover, in particular, black teas. I enjoy the Tazo 'Awake' tea at Starbucks and Chai lattes. I can drink caffeinated or decaf. However, if I have an appointment to go to, I'll drink caffeinated so I am alert. My new dosage of meds is making me a bit tired and I made the mistake of drinking decaf the day of my last therapy session. I was pretty knocked out and did not get much out of the therapy session at all.

I got a little bit annoyed at my therapist during my last session. It was the first time I'd seen her since the hospital. I felt the questions were annoying, especially when she started on the topic of my housing situation. She wants me to call my house counselor, she even offered to do it for me. She wants me to work on my issues with my housemates and apply for different housing until I can get couples housing. I don't want to do this. My issues with my housemates have been ongoing since I moved in, and talking to the counselor will most likely make life a living hell for me here. My housemates are very immature for their age, and they have been known to retaliate toward one another when someone speaks up to the counselor. They will make up stuff, especially the older one. I don't need that b.s. I really don't. The best thing for me to do is continue keeping food in my storage bin in my room, getting out of the house often, and hoping and praying that my boyfriend and I hear from couples housing.

I am not looking forward to my next therapy session, because I will not have done what she was pressuring me to do. She however cannot call my counselor without my permission unless I intend on hurting myself or hurting someone else. Gotta love confidentiality.

The big question of the day/moment is: Am I depressed? I think I am to an extent. It always seems to happen when I come home from the hospital and back to my lovely reality. It would explain why I was irritable in my last therapy session. And why I am so pessimistic about my future with this therapist at the moment. When I first started going to her, I was raving about how she is such a good therapist, with all her questions and analysis.

I am upset I missed the Coldplay concert.

Basically I think I saved myself from a psychotic episode that was waiting to happen. I started becoming a bit manic, and my nightmares and lack of sleep were indicative of problems ahead. Lack of sleep was what preceded my very first hospitalization. You begin to learn to recognize your symptoms when you are a repeat patient. Well, at least I have. The progression into psychosis for me usually consists of being manic/lack of sleep/anxiety.

Tuesday morning I have training for becoming a volunteer at the all-cat shelter. Hopefully I will be able to get up early ok. I have my psychiatrist that afternoon, so it shall be a busy day.

Back from the hospital

I haven't written a post in so long because I was in the psych ward for a week. I started having trouble sleeping with nightmares and only a few hours of sleep, so I called my psychiatrist to see if I could come in to see her. The secretary said that she was triple booked, so- no. They told me that my psychiatrist was working in the hospital that weekend, so I checked myself in.

The hospital wasn't as bad as the last one I was in. I ended up losing my pajama pants- my boyfriend brought them in and because they had strings, I wasn't allowed to have them. They held them at the desk and he forgot to pick them up on his way out. We realized this after I was discharged and called to see if they still had them but they could not find them.

I missed the Coldplay concert, but it was important that I kept myself healthy.

I am having some difficulty with the pharmacy, they are trying to get in touch with my doctor because she wrote my prescription in such a way that my insurance company will not pay for the medicine. I've been cutting my pills that are a larger dose to make up for not getting my meds. I hope I will have them by tomorrow- I've already waited the whole weekend.

"Mental"

So I am kind of annoyed/angered by a new show coming out called Mental. They seemed to try to sell the show by playing a new song by The Fray during the commercial advertisement. I just get a bad feeling that this show is going to portray mental illness poorly/in a bad light. If people want to do a show on mental illness they should put a PBS type special on the major networks so more people will get to see the facts. But, I guess that is not entertaining enough. I don't think the show starts until next Tuesday, and I am not sure if I will watch it. I could be wrong, but I am kinda afraid to watch it and get insulted. I probably understand schizophrenia better that the writers of the show do. Unless one or more of the writers are schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is most often portrayed in a very negative light in the media. I am sure most people have seen on the news or heard about at least one person that committed a crime and had a history of mental illness.

This brings me back to a topic of one of my previous posts, Kendra's Law. I really don't feel like rehashing it.

I guess I am a bit sensitive on the subject of mental illness. But I have to live with it. I have to have the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder of the Depressed Type and I have to share that with anyone I get close to at some point in time. I have to deal with their preconceived notions of what schizophrenia is and how schizophrenics are. Many people will probably not get to know me because of society's attitude. I feel cheated.

Letting go...

I called my therapist this morning and she answered. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning at 10. She is about 45 minutes away from me, and there will probably be traffic because I pass the State office building on the way. I am going to wake up very early and consume some caffeine so I will be able to get something out of my session.

I went for two walks today for about 35 minutes each. Walking seems to help my mood quite a bit. I am going to try the treadmill when I join the gym. I don't know if I will like it as much as I do at the walking park.

I had a dream last night that involved me vomiting, I am not sure if it was blood but I remember it being very red. I looked up what vomiting in a dream meant. It said something about needing to confront and let go of certain concepts or emotions. The dream involved my mother and the toxic effects she has had on me during my childhood. So I take it that I should confront my emotions about her and the past and try to let go of them. I think I have done some confronting but not so much letting go. Perhaps the blood symbolized toxins that are hurting me to this day. I find dreams very interesting. I often have dreams in which I dial 911. They are scary, usually involving someone trying to break in my childhood home. I wake up right after I dial 911.

Lately my mother has been very friendly towards me. I cannot let myself get fooled. I have been fooled before and hurt very badly. I have to protect myself from getting close to her because sooner or later she will do or say something that will hurt me again. My last therapist, Jeanne, warned me. She told me to imagine an invisible shield around me when I am with my parents. It is a shame because despite how much they've hurt me I still love them and still seek their love/approval.

Speaking of vulnerability, I am a bit nervous about opening up to my therapist. I've only been seeing her for a few months. I am afraid of getting dependent on her and then having that be taken away from me. Like my last therapist, who dropped her practice near me. I guess it's the old fear of abandonment issue that consistently makes it's appearance in my life. I have to work on that, but I don't know what can be done for it. I've had this issue for practically my entire life. I just don't see it going away anytime soon. As much as I can have fun going out with my friend or boyfriend or sister, I come home alone and my issues resurface. I do not want to 'forget' that I need to work on this stuff. I have appeared happy throughout my life when inside I was hurting badly. I am not hurting as badly as when I was 13/14, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurting now. It's just not as severe (romanticized suicidal ideation). When I was that age I had visions in my head of hanging myself on the tree in my backyard. I don't have those anymore, thankfully.

Well, I think I've written enough for the evening. Night.

Reality sets in

My therapist wants me to move out of my house- to get on a housing list again besides the one for couples housing. Couples housing might take years to get, and she thinks I should apply to move into different supported housing. I don't know if I will do that. Moving is a pretty big deal considering I have a lot of my own furniture now and I can't really afford a moving truck. I am used to where I am, even though I might not always like it. Moving into a house of strangers is not easy.

Sometimes I feel like I need therapy twice a week. The problem is, when I finally get into talking about important stuff that is bothering me, it is time to end the session. If only the sessions were an hour and ten instead of the forty-five minutes. It is important that I look at my watch once during the session so I know how much time I have left. Only once. I usually end up checking it around twenty minutes in.

Lately I have been thinking about my life, not knowing what I should do with it.

I had a nice time going out tonight with my friend. Then I come home and reality sets in.

Perhaps I should call my therapist tomorrow and try to get a sooner appointment. I should probably get to bed now so I can do that mid-morning.

What to say

I have not heard anything from the cat shelter I applied to volunteer at. I called yesterday and the secretary told me that my application was forwarded to the person in charge of volunteers and that was all the information she could give me.

Tonight my parents, aunt and I are going out to dinner as a belated Mother's Day dinner. My sister won't be coming along because she is going to get her hair done. I am not really strictly dieting anymore, but I am going to avoid something fried because I always feel unhealthy after eating that kind of stuff. I am going to join a gym next week. My doctor told me my target heart rate and how to start out on the treadmill.

Next week, my sister and her new boyfriend will be going out to dinner with me and my boyfriend. My sister hasn't told him that my boyfriend and I are mentally ill and on disability. She said I could say that I am looking for a job and my boyfriend can say he is in school. The problem with saying that I am looking for a job is that in the future he might ask if I found anything/had any luck and if I keep saying no that might eventually get uncomfortable. If I get offered the internship and I take it, I'll be able to say I am doing that. Sally seems to think that I should take the internship despite the financial loss I will suffer, just so I can get job experience. That may be a good idea.

Rough night/morning

I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.

A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.

I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.

Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.

Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.

My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.

I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.

I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.

Some Progress

Today I made some progress in my quest for finding something to do with my time. I went to the all-cat shelter that I had found and filled out a volunteer application. The lady showed me around and the cats are not in cages. They are in a couple of rooms with access to a screened outside area. I saw a beautiful tabby like my Katrina and a beautiful black cat like Spooky, but not as big as Spooky. Spooky is overweight, she eats almost all the food and that's why Katrina remains so tiny. Hopefully I will hear something within the next week or so about starting to volunteer there. It is pretty much right down the road from my therapist Sally, so I put down Thursdays as one of the days I'd like to volunteer.

I am pleased to see that there is a new antipsychotic approved by the FDA. I just read the article that is from my schizophrenia news link. I am not going to risk getting sick again by trying a new drug which might not work. I also read that the new med causes a slight weight gain, which I'd like to avoid. But, if my current drug ever fails me, I know now that there is something new to try.

I was feeling kind of depressed today at my therapy appointment. I spoke a little about why it could be, but I think it is a combination of things. The weather certainly is not helping. It is raining, again.

My sister and her new boyfriend wants to have dinner with me and my boyfriend. I have to speak with her about what she has told her boyfriend, if anything, about me and my boyfriend. Hopefully she has filled him in that we are on disability, or at least that I am. I don't really want there to be an awkwardness at the dinner table if he asks what I do.

I have a number of errands to do tomorrow. At least they will keep me busy. I just got home about fifty minutes ago and I already am tempted to take a nap. I won't let myself do it.

Standstill

I haven't posted in a while because not much has really happened in my life the past week. I have not heard about any more employment opportunities. The internship people have yet to contact me, though I might contact them soon to see when they are going to make their decision. Basically, I have very little to do and the constant rain has not been too inspiring.

On a positive note, I found an all-cat animal shelter that is not too far from home. I love cats and have wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter for quite some time but haven't been able to because of my dog allergy. I am allergic to their saliva and their dander. Sometimes I have trouble breathing in a house with a dog that triggers me. I like dogs, and I wish I wasn't allergic. I am going to stop by the cat shelter on Thursday, because I'll be in the neighboring town for therapy that day. I want to fill out an application and start that as soon as possible.

I saw the movie The Soloist on Friday night. It is about a homeless schizophrenic man that plays the cello and is discovered by a newspaper reporter. I thought it was a pretty good movie but I could not relate to his hearing voices. I've read about a study of schizophrenia patients that found that 70% hear voices. Seeing this movie made me realize how terrifying they can be. I am terrified by my paranoia and delusions. Haven't had that in about four years, knock on wood.

Hopefully, one of these days I'll have a set weekly schedule besides therapy and case managers. It is too tempting to sleep when I don't have something that I have to do.

Painful dreams and a disappointing phone call

This morning I had a dream about my late grandfather. I don't really remember details, but I was visiting him and the dream was so convincing that I felt he was still alive. In a sense, it was haunting. A few weeks ago I had a 'haunting' dream about my late grandmother, in which she said "I love you" to me. Both dreams upset me greatly. I miss them terribly and really wish they didn't have to go so soon. My grandmother died at 77 and my grandfather died at 79. Cancer took them both.

At about 8:45 this morning, my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID and it said 'state parks'. For a split second I thought that maybe the person they hired for the keyboard specialist position didn't work out so they were calling me to hire me. But they weren't. The woman who interviewed me was calling to tell me they didn't select me for the position.

The following lyrics are from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring:

"Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
and if I could trade
I would

And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away"

Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.

Someday

So I am 99.9% sure that I didn't get the state park job. She said she'd make her decision by the end of last week and today is Monday. It sucks, but there is a lot of competition for jobs right now. I have a big gap on my resume which isn't helping. In fact, I am beginning to feel as though I am going to be interviewing for this job for a long time and might not get one. At least there's the internship, if I can get that. The internship will end up putting me in a worse situation financially and I will probably have to get gas money from my parents. It will be about a 30 mile drive each way to the internship training area. After that, I will probably be going somewhere else, which might be even further than that.

I hate asking my parents for money. I try to do it as little as possible. I haven't asked them for money in a while now. I want to be self-sufficient someday. That would be really nice. I want to be able to have an apartment with my boyfriend and a car to drive around in. Hopefully someday I will achieve those goals.

My diet is going OK. I don't have my own scale, so I am going to weigh myself at my parents house on a weekly basis. I exercised a lot last week and today I am taking a break from that. I've been pretty lethargic and somewhat irritable at times. I really hope I can be successful, that all of this will have a positive outcome. I am making chicken fajitas tonight, but will only have one in a carb control burrito wrap. I might make fat-free refried beans on the side. I will probably cook early, as I get hungry for dinner around 4:30-5:00. I think I might start now, since it will take a while to cook. Food is calling.

Awaiting the verdict

So today is day 3 of my diet, as I ended up eating horrifically unhealthy food (though it could have been worse) on Monday night when my sister came over. But that was it. No more. I went to bed hungry last night, and I woke up ready to eat, lol. I went for a walk/partial jog today. I was surprised with the amount of energy I had when I tried jogging. But I didn't really run for long. I figure from now on when I go for my walk, I will alternate between walking and jogging.

I had a tilapia fillet for dinner with parsley and lemon on it, no salt. I am trying to cut back on sodium where I can. I didn't finish my fish and I ended up throwing away my salad because the lettuce wasn't good anymore. So I had a few steamed carrots and some almonds. My "dessert" for the evening will be a generic fiber bar. I should really buy a high fiber cereal and eat it dry as I think it is less sugar than a fiber bar. But these little cutbacks don't all have to happen at once.

No word yet from the state park, I am assuming tomorrow will be the verdict. The internship interview went well, as far as I could tell. I probably won't hear about that until May as they have to do a lot of interviewing and will start the internship in June. The local university sent me a letter for a keyboarding job. They had contacted me a while back ago to see if I was interested and now they are looking for someone. I will definitely interview for that if I don't get the park keyboarding position.

That's about it. The weather is going to be really nice tomorrow and Saturday so I will be able to get out and exercise some more. I am going to take a trip to the park I interviewed at sometime next month probably. It is a really beautiful place to visit.

Uncanny timing

I had an interview today for a State park about a half hour from my house. It was for the keyboard specialist position and was my second interview with them. It was a challenging interview, but I think it went well. Unfortunately there is only one opening and there are a lot of people going for the same job. I will hear by the end of the week.

Talk about timing, I heard from the internship this afternoon that I had been interested in. I have an interview for that on Wednesday. It would be really weird if I were to get offered the State park job and the internship. It would be a tough decision. Hopefully I will at least get one of them.

My boyfriend and I are starting a diet together. Today was day 1. I am going to try and eat differently and join the gym next month. There is a really cheap gym about 20 min away from me. This is a major step for me. I've struggled with weight issues since junior high, even though back then I was very thin. I gained some weight from Zyprexa which only made my issues worse. I've lost thirty pounds over the last year and if I could lose another thirty it would be great. I will take this one day at a time and see how it goes. No more Applebees nights out for a while and no more baking brownies with my sister. It won't be easy. I also have to avoid fast food and cook dinners for myself. Tonight I am having baked chicken with plain spinach and a sweet potato. I will have a bottle of water with it. Lately the only drinks I have are water and black tea.

I am going to take a nap. I wanted to before, but I pushed myself to take a walk outside since it is pretty nice out.

Anniversary of the Fairy Tale Kind

I had an excellent anniversary celebration on Sunday. The weather was great and we went to dinner at the perfect time. We went to an Italian restaurant called Buona Sera. As we walked to the restaurant, it became dark outside. We couldn't have asked for a better seat. Our table was right next to the street and the window was open. Candles on each table were the main source of lighting. A woman jazz singer was singing the whole time, and one song she sang was "I Only Have Eyes For You." I am not sure that is the exact title of the song, but that's the main part of the song. It couldn't have been a more romantic atmosphere than that. I ordered the spinach ravioli, and my boyfriend ordered some sort of potato dish. After dinner, we went to Junior's for some of their world famous cheesecake. I got blueberry cheesecake and it was excellent. I was very happy with our evening.

The rest of this week should be fun. We don't have a whole lot planned, but it will be nice to have the time together while he is off from school. I will be celebrating Easter with my boyfriend's family at his uncle's house. I haven't really been to a family function of his other than his brother's high school graduation party. It will be a change from going to the same place I had last Easter and Thanksgiving at (my mom's cousin's house).

Not enough for a title

I drove to three stores today, trying to find an anniversary card for my boyfriend. The selection was pretty limited for the "our anniversary" category. I finally went to an official card store and found a good one. It was really the only card I liked out of them all.

My boyfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow, Sunday. That's because it is supposed to rain on Monday. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 60 degrees. We will have a nice day to go into the city.

I am tired. Not sure why I am so tired, but I think I might take a short nap. I might write more later.

One day down, six to go!

My one year anniversary with my boyfriend is approaching. I am very excited to celebrate the day with him. I've begun "the countdown." He is going to be on Spring break, which is excellent timing.

Not so nice timing though is that a suspicious charge appeared on my boyfriend's credit card statement. In fact, it was from eBay. Somebody opened up an eBay account under his name and made some purchases. eBay has not closed the account yet, which is ridiculous. We went to the precinct today to get information on what to do and we will go back there again soon. Hopefully we can get it resolved, or mostly resolved, before next Monday. I have a tendency to worry a lot and this criminal activity has scared me a bit.

My house counselor is coming over tomorrow afternoon. I thought she was only supposed to come twice a month, but she is coming every two weeks. Since this is a long month, this will be her third visit. She is a big pain. She does room inspections and I always seem to get a bad review. I think part of it has to do with my housemates having practically empty rooms and I have a room with wall-to-wall furniture and "stuff." My room is the odd one out and always seems to be a problem. I have too much clutter, she says. So tomorrow I will be trying to hide/disguise the clutter and I have to be home between 3 and 4.

I have Sally this week, last week she canceled due to a death in the family. I realized when she canceled just how much I have gotten used to her therapy sessions. She has become the new 'Jeanne' to me, but I feel like it is going even better than it did with Jeanne.

Overprotective

I am seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday, April Fool's Day. I don't really celebrate April Fool's, so do not expect to find an entry from myself that is totally bogus. I don't like to trick people. I haven't been writing entries very often lately, so I might not write one that day. Who knows. She is going to ask the same question, which is basically, "Tell me how you've been?". Good thing I only see her once every two or three months, because usually I don't have much to say to her. Truth is, I've been doing very good, probably for the past ten appointments. I am still looking for a job, now I am waiting to hear from a state park for an interview. If she asks me what job it is, I will tell her it is data entry. She doesn't understand the English word keyboard- as in keyboard specialist. I don't remember what country she is from, but there is a definite language barrier.

The only real part of my life that is currently bugging me is my living situation. I must say though that if I can survive this house for three years, I can survive it for another if necessary. My one housemate has been working on quitting smoking, she hasn't had a cigarette in six days. One less smoker will definitely be nice. Smoking is going to be banned in my house in June, but I think my other housemate will break the rule during the few days of the month that she lives here. I spend the majority of my time at this house in my room: on the computer or listening to music mainly. I don't watch much TV, though I do watch the weather kind of regularly.

Now, to get to the subject of this post... my mother is very overprotective of my two cats, Spooky and Katrina, that live with her. My parents are going to Maine for a couple of days and are leaving the house to be watched by my sister. Apparently, that is not good enough for them. They want me and my boyfriend to "stop by" the house twice, one time being during the day while my sister is at work, to keep the cats company. It is not all so bad that they want me to do that, but that week is my boyfriend's Spring Break and also our one year anniversary. It is much better than neglecting my cats, but I think they will be OK with my sister. My sister is 26 years old now, she took care of a cat at her ex-boyfriend's apartment so I am sure she can take care of Spooky and Katrina. I definitely will stop by at least once to ease my parents mind.

As I mentioned, my one year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. We are going to go into NYC to a fairly fancy Italian restaurant. It will be a romantic way to celebrate our year together. Hopefully we will get good weather for that day/night.

Home alone but not for long...

It's the end of the weekend, and to my surprise, I came home to an empty house. This never has happened before. My one housemate is home and only goes away like two or three days of the year and usually the other one is home then. The other one is home like 4 days of the month come summertime. She goes fishing with her father and stays there. Just 5 minutes ago I think I heard someone come home; it figures, I never get the house to myself for very long.

I had a great weekend with my boyfriend. We went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee/hot chocolate and we went for a couple of walks. Today we walked to the baseball game on campus. We watched it for a little while, it is still kinda chilly outside. We also went to the library and played Scrabble. It is fun playing it at the library and we can use the Scrabble dictionary while we are there. I have Scrabble on my computer at home, which gives me an unfair advantage. I am up to the level of playing against the veteran, but I have more losses than wins against the vet. Scrabble has to be my favorite game. Though I'd like to get the electronic version of Battleship someday. I think that would be kinda cool.

I found out that if my boyfriend and I were to get our own place now, we'd be taken off of the couples housing list. We are going to wait, as couples housing is much more affordable and we'd probably have a washer and dryer if they gave us a house. We can get either an apartment or a house depending on what's available. I am really looking forward to that phone call from the housing agency.

Last but not least, my boyfriend and I are going to see Coldplay!!! I am very psyched, they are one of my favorite bands. I have all of their albums and I have a DVD of a concert of theirs which I have watched and they are great in concert. That is something else to look forward to, though it will probably come up before the housing does. We saw Dave Matthews Band last summer but we had field tickets and got completely drenched from the excessive amount of rain that night. This time we have actual seats, so if it rains, we will be ok.

Take a number, have a seat

It's been some time since I posted, and that's because I've been very busy. My boyfriend's car is pretty much dead, and because of that he had to find some way to be able to get to school. First he was thinking about buying a newer car (with student loans) but then he decided he would rent a room close to campus. We found a decent sized room in a very quiet house for him to stay at. It is only a half mile from the bus that runs to the main part of campus, about a five-ten minute walk.

I am happy that he'll be living a lot closer to me. It's a ten minute commute compared to an hour. He plans on living there until he graduates, or until we get couples housing. If we get couples housing he most likely won't be able to walk to school anymore, but we will deal with that if/when it happens.

I went to my local Social Security office today. There were no seats left to sit in after I took my number. They run it now kinda like the DMV. There is a screen that says what number they are 'serving.' I went there to get a proof of income letter so I can send it to my student loan company. I am putting my loans in another year of forbearance. They've already called me because my payment was due today and I didn't mail the forbearance letter in yet.

I saw Sally today. It went very well. She just might be my favorite therapist of all the ones I've had over the years. I hadn't seen her in over a week because of the big snow storm last week and also she went away for a couple of days.

I am at my parents house now. We are having a white pizza tonight for dinner. It is always nice to see the cats.

Stigma

	stig·ma [ stígmə ] (plural stig·mas) noun Definition: 1. sign of social unacceptability: the shame or disgrace attached to something regarded as socially unacceptable

My post today will be about stigma. The above definition is from MSN Encarta.
In terms of stigma, schizophrenia is probably one of the worst diagnoses that you can get. Have you ever heard the term 'schizo' in reference to someone? There are other common abuses of words such as 'psycho' and 'psychotic' and very often 'crazy'.

There is so much shame in my family over my mental illness. My parents won't let me volunteer in a hospital that is around the corner from the hospital they work in. They are afraid someone they know will find out my last name. My mother never told her best friend that I got sick. Her best friend. So you can imagine the awkwardness that occurred at my grandfather's wake. Especially when I told her that I was a psychology major at college and then she started talking about bipolar disorder to me.

The stigma is so bad that I feel like I have to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I suppose it could be argued that I am not helping the stigma issue by remaining anonymous. But I would like to work someday and I know that if an interviewer found out (other than a mental health job) about my illness, I'd probably automatically be crossed off the list of potential employees. I already have an 8 year gap in my resume against me. If this were a perfect world, I would be able to disclose my illness without it being frowned upon. But unfortunately, many people are afraid of those with schizophrenia and/or just don't understand it.

Another interview offer

I had a good time this first half of the weekend. My boyfriend and I went to a coffee house out east and saw this band called "Who are those guys?". They were pretty good. The coffee shop is actually closing tomorrow and unfortunately they ran out of chai mix, so I could not get my usual favorite- chai latte with soy milk. I got hot chocolate instead, but nothing compares to my favorite drink. Today my boyfriend and I went out to breakfast at a diner and then walked along the beach a little. It was too cold to walk for a long time, but it was still nice.

I got a job interview offer from the university that I attended ten years ago. I would work in their human resources office. It's the keyboard specialist position, like the last interview I had. I'd much rather work for the university, so I guess it is a good thing that I have not heard back from my last interview. I am hoping that I could get the job at the school; I will try my best.

I came home today to find that my room was 80 degrees. My one housemate turns up the heat way too high. I have to keep a thermometer in my room so I can figure out when to open the windows in prevention of the 75-80 degree heat. We are supposed to be bombarded with snow on Monday. I know that I will most likely cancel Sally that day.

Apology

What do you do when you've said some things that you shouldn't have said which ended up hurting the one you love most?

That's my question of the day. I honestly don't know the answer to that. I've said that I am sorry and I tried to explain the possible answers as to why I got so angry. But there is no excuse to have lashed out as I did. There is no way to take back the words that hurt. There is only apologizing and hoping for forgiveness.

I'm sorry.

I truly hope and pray that the ugliness which showed itself today will never come forth again. I had a very intense therapy session today with Sally. I take the blame for how messed up today became. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. But, since I can't do that, I can only work on right now and tomorrow...

It went well...

I had my job interview today. There is tight security at the NYS Office Building. I had to put my cell phone and keys in a bucket and then go through the metal detector. After that, the woman guard asked me to lift up the bottom of my pants so she could check my socks. But I made it through security. I was an hour and a half early. I waited in the hallway and then at a half hour to the interview time, I went in.

The first thing they had me do was fill out some sort of tax form, I guess to make sure I don't owe any taxes to the State. Then I took the typing test. It was pretty long. There was a practice and then the actual thing. I typed 56 wpm with 3 errors. On the practice test, I typed 55 wpm with 1 error and it said that I was allowed 12 errors with typing at the speed of 55 wpm. So I did very well.

Finally they called me in for the interview. There were three women in the room. One was the manager and the other two were employees. They asked about strengths and weaknesses. They asked about my college degree, whether I wanted to continue my education or not. I think it went very well. They are looking to hire two people to start the job in three weeks from now. On my way out, the one woman asked me if I'd prefer to work in the front part of the office or the back. I noticed that she did not ask the interviewee before me that question. So maybe it's a sign I did well. Cross fingers.

So many people will be shocked if I get this job. My aunt will be the most shocked probably, as she has been saying how I was lucky to even get the interview and that I shouldn't give it much thought because there are probably a lot of people going for the job. Although I think I did well on the interview, I will still probably be shocked if I get this job.

Tonight is Taco Bell night at my parents' house. My mom is on vacation and my dad is home because of his recent hip surgery. He doesn't really cook, so he asked me to pick up some Taco Bell on the way over. Tomorrow night he is planning on making some of the frozen fish sticks and french fries, so he said I could stay for that too.

Interview

So I have a job interview for next Tuesday. It's for the keyboard specialist position that I took the civil service test for. I am nervous. Today I am going to go shopping for a new blouse to wear on the interview. I really don't have much dress clothes- I haven't worked in years so I didn't need them. I do have a pair of dress pants that I purchased for my grandparents' wakes and funerals. I am going to wear them to the store so I will be able to see what shirts go with them. It's a good day to shop because this afternoon there will be a lot of sales at the store. I am going to use my dept. store credit card, as it is nearing the end of the month and I have very little money.

I had further correspondence regarding the homeless cat feeding, but I found out that I would have to buy the cat food myself. I cannot afford that, so I told them I couldn't help at this time.

I found out that the social services internship doesn't start until June! The guy told me he'd call me in a few weeks to come in for an interview. I guess if I don't get offered the keyboarding job, that's what I'll do.

More Than a Woman

So I went to the NAMI peer-to-peer support group last night and the turn-out was all male, except for myself. There was the leader, two guys, and myself. So I felt kind of like an outsider. I was the last to get to speak and when I did speak, I got interrupted. Both times I spoke, someone else took over my turn. I felt snubbed and almost ignored. The leader did not really structure our session and let one person do most of the talking. I was kinda hoping there'd be females there that I could be friends with. I could really use some more female friends in my life. When I said I had schizoaffective disorder, I mentioned that there are no groups around here for people with my diagnosis. There are mainly groups for people with mood disorders (e.g. bipolar) and for people with OCD. Except of course for the group last night, which is open to people of all diagnoses. I am going to give the group another chance though, maybe there will be different people the next time I go. That's what I am hoping anyway.

Valentine's Day was great. We celebrated it the day before by going out to dinner. We figured the restaurant would be less crowded the day before.

I am somewhat interested in the keyboarding job that I tested for, but my heart is really hoping for the social services internship that starts in the Spring. I am going to call the internship's agency and try to get an estimate of when exactly that might start. I have a degree in Psychology, I want to help people and use my degree. In college, I said to a friend that if I could help at least one person, make some sort of difference in their life, then I would feel like I served some sort of purpose. I have personal experience with mental illness and I know a lot about 'the system.' I almost became an assistant case manager last Spring, I turned it down though because of the high gas prices. It was kind of far from my house and it was all five days of the week. Had it been three days, I might have taken it because that would not have been as much commuting. I passed the two interviews for it with flying colors, and that gave me a bit of confidence since I hadn't interviewed in a long time and been considered for a position. I feel like I could run a NAMI group like the one I went to last night. Maybe someday I will be able to do something like that. It's good to have ambition, now I just have to get past my nerves. I haven't worked for more than a three month span in eight years, as I've been on disability and haven't really been trying to work. If I work part-time, I can most likely keep my disability. Anyway, I am hoping that the internship will get me back on my feet enough to do something that I would like.

Update on housing

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I drove out east and visited downtown Greenport. It was practically 60 degrees out and we walked down by the docks. Then we went to Starbucks, a place we visit quite often. I got a hot chocolate to avoid caffeine overload. Lately I've been drinking a lot of decaf tea.

Today my case manager gave me some information. She said that the handicap bus pass people would notify me in a few weeks. She also said that she spoke to someone from the housing agency and he said that couples housing is very rare, so we should expect to wait months before getting a place. That was a bit discouraging, but I have to be patient.

I have to recertify for food stamps so I am working on that application.

I never heard back again from the feeding volunteers of the homeless cats. I had told them what days I was available, and I guess that didn't match what they needed. Perhaps I will get the keyboarding job and not need to volunteer. We will see. I have no idea what I would wear to my interview. The last interview I went on, I wore a shirt that I didn't realize had a small stain on towards the bottom. I don't think anyone noticed, but I can't wear that one again. I will go through my closet- I am sure I'll find something. I should also print out a new copy of my resume, if I get contacted for scheduling an interview. Today I mailed in my work history form and letter of accepting the assignment. I am sure I'll hear something within a week or so.

Lift me up

Today I had a successful therapy session. Sally is a good therapist so far; she is very analytical. I was nervous going there today because I wasn't sure I had much to talk about. She asked lots of questions so the session went by smoothly.

I've inquired in a volunteer job that involves feeding homeless cats. It's funny how I sent my e-mail of interest in the volunteer position and then today in the mail I got a letter from the State. The keyboard specialist job that I took the test for has a full-time assignment relatively local to my house. I have to fill out an employment history form and mail it back.

I have to remind myself that I have a nine month trial work period. I can work for a full-time salary for nine months before my benefits will be affected.

I am hanging out with my best friend tonight. I am happy she is able to hang out. I am feeling much better since the other day.

Snowed in

One of the things I hate about winter is driving in the snow. If I don't have to be somewhere, I'll stay home during a snow storm. I don't think we're getting a whole lot of snow right now, but I am staying home anyway. Hopefully the roads will be cleared tomorrow, as I have therapy on Thursday.

I am feeling a bit on the depressed side. Sometimes I lose hope, I begin to doubt my ability to get through life's challenges. I question whether I want to live...as if I had a choice. I don't have a choice- suicide is not an option for me. I think to myself that I will never be successful- I will always be in poverty. That is no way to think, but I think it anyway. I will never be good enough for others, because I just won't ever fit into this world. I beat myself up for being me, and for thinking negatively as well. Of course I might be feeling down today because the sun did not come out and I've been stuck inside my house. Nevertheless, I will live.

"A Matter of Respect"

As I write this entry, I am listening to "Father Lucifer" by Tori Amos off of her Boys for Pele album.

Last night my mother had a jewelry party at her house and I decided to stay there overnight afterward. My parents both had to work during the day today, so that left me alone with my aunt who was visiting. It is not a good idea to be around my aunt when no one else is home. She becomes incredibly bossy, telling me exactly what to do and how I am not doing things up to par.

My aunt must get some sort of kick out of bossing me around, and the fact that I usually just let her do it. Reason being, if I tried to not do what she was telling me to do, she'd give me a really difficult time and there would be a big fight. It's not what she had me do today, it's the reaction I got following it. She is a perfectionist, and my completed work was not up to her standards. In fact, she had the actual nerve to accuse me of being disrespectful to my mother because I didn't do a good enough job. That is somewhere no one should go. She started lecturing me, repeating: "it's a matter of respect." At that point I thought to myself about what Jeanne would recommend to do in that situation, and so I took off. I left the house as quickly as possible. The sick thing is that before I showed any signs of intending to depart, she asked me what was wrong. I didn't respond because I knew it would just start a fight. The easiest and nicest thing she could have done at that point was to say: "I'm sorry if I upset you" and let everything go.

Luckily for me, my aunt was still in her nightgown and robe, so she could not chase me on my way out to my car. There's been a history of her chasing me. How f^&%'d up was my grandparents' household with my mom, aunt, and uncle growing up. My grandparents, though very very nice to me and my sister, had to have been different to my mom, aunt, and uncle. You know, my uncle Steven, whom I mentioned in my last entry, had undifferentiated schizophrenia and committed suicide. Well, I get the feeling that he was the most sane one of the three. My aunt and my mom are so complex and bizarre, and happen to fool most everyone but me, my sister, and my dad. I am the least fooled though, and so they scare me. My psychologist that I was seeing about nine years ago told me that he could not figure out what was wrong with my mom. My mom actually came to a session with me and my psychologist could not get through to her. Her attitude in the office was as if the whole thing were a joke, and she kept laughing nervously. He told me that if I ever figured out what the deal was, that I should call him immediately. I haven't called him.

After reading this blog entry, and some of my earlier ones, it might seem as though I have been disrespectful to my family. This blog is my venting outlet and they shall never find out about it. In person with them, I am mostly respectful. But when it comes to my therapy and/or my venting, I need to complain. After all, I am sure they have called me 'crazy' and 'psychotic' behind my back more than once. So I suppose we're even.

New therapist, new start

--This entry is dedicated to the memory of my late Uncle Steven.--


So I was finally able to catch up on the sleep I missed from the caffeine high the other night. I also made and attended an appointment with a psychologist from the list my boyfriend found. Her name is Sally and she is a PsyD. Basically a PsyD has trained more toward clinical practice as opposed to a PhD which has trained more toward research. I found through my experience with different therapists that many of my psychologists, all of whom were PhD's, were not so actively involved during my therapy sessions. Most of them, including Dr. K, would nod their head, say OK and uh-huh, and leave all the talking and direction of the session up to me. Jeanne, who is a CSW, was highly involved in my sessions, asking questions and providing a good amount of feedback/analysis. I did look for another CSW, but found none that took Medicaid. Today was my first session with a PsyD.

Sally's methods include Analytic, Family Systems, and Psychodynamic. She has a certificate in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. I remember one psychologist I had back in 2000 had a psychodynamic approach and was slightly more involved than other psychologists I've had. So when I found out Sally's approach methods included psychodynamic, she kind of stood out amongst the other therapists on my list.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is defined according to minddisorders.com as follows:

"Psychodynamic psychotherapy is a method of verbal communication used to help a person find relief from emotional pain. It is based on the theories and techniques of psychoanalysis. Psychodynamic psychotherapy is similar to psychoanalysis in that it attributes emotional problems to the patient's unconscious motives and conflicts. It differs from classical psychoanalysis, however, in that psychodynamic psychotherapists do not necessarily accept Freud's view that these unconscious motives and conflicts are ultimately sexual in nature."

Today's session with Sally was interesting in that she was asking me about my delusions. Never before has a therapist of mine really 'gone there.' I was hesitant in telling her the bizarre and crazy cognitions that used to run through my head during my psychotic episodes, as I thought if she found them out she would not want to treat me. I once went to a DID/MPD expert and when she found out I had a psychosis problem, she basically had the attitude that I was psychotic, therefore in her mind, helpless besides medication treatment. Sally was actually trying to connect my delusions with what conflict was going on in my life at the time of them. This gives me some hope. Instead of dismissing my delusions as solely neurotransmitter misfirings in the brain, she actually looked for some issues behind them. I truly believe that medication alone will not adequately help me in my healing process. It probably also helps that Sally has had ten years of experience working at Hillside Hospital with major psychosis and depression patients. This is not something new to her.

I am most likely going to continue therapy with Sally, even though the commute is about 45 minutes from my house. It is a bit scary starting with someone new; someone who I don't know too well or trust for that matter. I have not told Dr. K that I am not going back to him and I have an appointment scheduled with him for tomorrow morning that I have yet to cancel. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I set my alarm so I could make the call early enough.

Another bonus is that my new therapist is willing to work with me scheduling-wise if I get a job.

Finally I should mention that I attended a NAMI meeting (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) last night. There was one at a hospital local to me that I did not know about. It was all family members of those with illness except for myself, but they gave me info about a peer to peer support group that meets on Sunday evenings. I will probably attend one of those peer to peer meetings with my boyfriend. It was kind of strange that about three of the mothers at the meeting had a son or daughter close to my age with schizophrenia and were talking about the challenges they have in their relationship with them. Not all of the sons/daughters still lived with their mom. These mothers actually seemed to care, much more than I feel my mother cares. Perhaps I am not 'giving her trouble' anymore, so that might be why.

My mother had a brother with schizophrenia that committed suicide when I was one year old. I feel an emotional/spiritual connection to him of some sort. Thinking about him makes me sad, and sometimes I cry, yet I wasn't old enough to have really known him. When my uncle drank the poison that killed him (a popular drain cleaner), he was hospitalized and pretty much was dying for 8 days. I found out that my aunt was on vacation, and upon finding this out, she did not come back to visit him. It astounds me. I have found pictures of him ( had to secretly search) and looking at them makes me sad. I wish I could have been there to know him, perhaps to have had some sort of connection with him. Maybe it reflects my wish of someone reaching out to me when I was suffering. I don't really know if anyone could have gotten through to him, but I am happy he got to meet me when I was a baby at the least. If I were to have had a child and it were a boy, I would have named him Steven, after my uncle.

Caffeine, anyone?

I've been feeling pretty crappy, so I decided to have some caffeine. Unfortunately, I had a bit too much. Starbucks is dangerous!! I had a grande coffee and then a tall coffee. I suppose I could have had stronger drinks then that, but believe me, I am suffering the consequences. It is because of my caffeine intake that I am writing this blog right now.

Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.

I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.

I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.

My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.