As I write this entry, I am listening to "Father Lucifer" by Tori Amos off of her Boys for Pele album.
Last night my mother had a jewelry party at her house and I decided to stay there overnight afterward. My parents both had to work during the day today, so that left me alone with my aunt who was visiting. It is not a good idea to be around my aunt when no one else is home. She becomes incredibly bossy, telling me exactly what to do and how I am not doing things up to par.
My aunt must get some sort of kick out of bossing me around, and the fact that I usually just let her do it. Reason being, if I tried to not do what she was telling me to do, she'd give me a really difficult time and there would be a big fight. It's not what she had me do today, it's the reaction I got following it. She is a perfectionist, and my completed work was not up to her standards. In fact, she had the actual nerve to accuse me of being disrespectful to my mother because I didn't do a good enough job. That is somewhere no one should go. She started lecturing me, repeating: "it's a matter of respect." At that point I thought to myself about what Jeanne would recommend to do in that situation, and so I took off. I left the house as quickly as possible. The sick thing is that before I showed any signs of intending to depart, she asked me what was wrong. I didn't respond because I knew it would just start a fight. The easiest and nicest thing she could have done at that point was to say: "I'm sorry if I upset you" and let everything go.
Luckily for me, my aunt was still in her nightgown and robe, so she could not chase me on my way out to my car. There's been a history of her chasing me. How f^&%'d up was my grandparents' household with my mom, aunt, and uncle growing up. My grandparents, though very very nice to me and my sister, had to have been different to my mom, aunt, and uncle. You know, my uncle Steven, whom I mentioned in my last entry, had undifferentiated schizophrenia and committed suicide. Well, I get the feeling that he was the most sane one of the three. My aunt and my mom are so complex and bizarre, and happen to fool most everyone but me, my sister, and my dad. I am the least fooled though, and so they scare me. My psychologist that I was seeing about nine years ago told me that he could not figure out what was wrong with my mom. My mom actually came to a session with me and my psychologist could not get through to her. Her attitude in the office was as if the whole thing were a joke, and she kept laughing nervously. He told me that if I ever figured out what the deal was, that I should call him immediately. I haven't called him.
After reading this blog entry, and some of my earlier ones, it might seem as though I have been disrespectful to my family. This blog is my venting outlet and they shall never find out about it. In person with them, I am mostly respectful. But when it comes to my therapy and/or my venting, I need to complain. After all, I am sure they have called me 'crazy' and 'psychotic' behind my back more than once. So I suppose we're even.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New therapist, new start
--This entry is dedicated to the memory of my late Uncle Steven.--
So I was finally able to catch up on the sleep I missed from the caffeine high the other night. I also made and attended an appointment with a psychologist from the list my boyfriend found. Her name is Sally and she is a PsyD. Basically a PsyD has trained more toward clinical practice as opposed to a PhD which has trained more toward research. I found through my experience with different therapists that many of my psychologists, all of whom were PhD's, were not so actively involved during my therapy sessions. Most of them, including Dr. K, would nod their head, say OK and uh-huh, and leave all the talking and direction of the session up to me. Jeanne, who is a CSW, was highly involved in my sessions, asking questions and providing a good amount of feedback/analysis. I did look for another CSW, but found none that took Medicaid. Today was my first session with a PsyD.
Sally's methods include Analytic, Family Systems, and Psychodynamic. She has a certificate in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. I remember one psychologist I had back in 2000 had a psychodynamic approach and was slightly more involved than other psychologists I've had. So when I found out Sally's approach methods included psychodynamic, she kind of stood out amongst the other therapists on my list.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is defined according to minddisorders.com as follows:
"Psychodynamic psychotherapy is a method of verbal communication used to help a person find relief from emotional pain. It is based on the theories and techniques of psychoanalysis. Psychodynamic psychotherapy is similar to psychoanalysis in that it attributes emotional problems to the patient's unconscious motives and conflicts. It differs from classical psychoanalysis, however, in that psychodynamic psychotherapists do not necessarily accept Freud's view that these unconscious motives and conflicts are ultimately sexual in nature."
Today's session with Sally was interesting in that she was asking me about my delusions. Never before has a therapist of mine really 'gone there.' I was hesitant in telling her the bizarre and crazy cognitions that used to run through my head during my psychotic episodes, as I thought if she found them out she would not want to treat me. I once went to a DID/MPD expert and when she found out I had a psychosis problem, she basically had the attitude that I was psychotic, therefore in her mind, helpless besides medication treatment. Sally was actually trying to connect my delusions with what conflict was going on in my life at the time of them. This gives me some hope. Instead of dismissing my delusions as solely neurotransmitter misfirings in the brain, she actually looked for some issues behind them. I truly believe that medication alone will not adequately help me in my healing process. It probably also helps that Sally has had ten years of experience working at Hillside Hospital with major psychosis and depression patients. This is not something new to her.
I am most likely going to continue therapy with Sally, even though the commute is about 45 minutes from my house. It is a bit scary starting with someone new; someone who I don't know too well or trust for that matter. I have not told Dr. K that I am not going back to him and I have an appointment scheduled with him for tomorrow morning that I have yet to cancel. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I set my alarm so I could make the call early enough.
Another bonus is that my new therapist is willing to work with me scheduling-wise if I get a job.
Finally I should mention that I attended a NAMI meeting (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) last night. There was one at a hospital local to me that I did not know about. It was all family members of those with illness except for myself, but they gave me info about a peer to peer support group that meets on Sunday evenings. I will probably attend one of those peer to peer meetings with my boyfriend. It was kind of strange that about three of the mothers at the meeting had a son or daughter close to my age with schizophrenia and were talking about the challenges they have in their relationship with them. Not all of the sons/daughters still lived with their mom. These mothers actually seemed to care, much more than I feel my mother cares. Perhaps I am not 'giving her trouble' anymore, so that might be why.
My mother had a brother with schizophrenia that committed suicide when I was one year old. I feel an emotional/spiritual connection to him of some sort. Thinking about him makes me sad, and sometimes I cry, yet I wasn't old enough to have really known him. When my uncle drank the poison that killed him (a popular drain cleaner), he was hospitalized and pretty much was dying for 8 days. I found out that my aunt was on vacation, and upon finding this out, she did not come back to visit him. It astounds me. I have found pictures of him ( had to secretly search) and looking at them makes me sad. I wish I could have been there to know him, perhaps to have had some sort of connection with him. Maybe it reflects my wish of someone reaching out to me when I was suffering. I don't really know if anyone could have gotten through to him, but I am happy he got to meet me when I was a baby at the least. If I were to have had a child and it were a boy, I would have named him Steven, after my uncle.
So I was finally able to catch up on the sleep I missed from the caffeine high the other night. I also made and attended an appointment with a psychologist from the list my boyfriend found. Her name is Sally and she is a PsyD. Basically a PsyD has trained more toward clinical practice as opposed to a PhD which has trained more toward research. I found through my experience with different therapists that many of my psychologists, all of whom were PhD's, were not so actively involved during my therapy sessions. Most of them, including Dr. K, would nod their head, say OK and uh-huh, and leave all the talking and direction of the session up to me. Jeanne, who is a CSW, was highly involved in my sessions, asking questions and providing a good amount of feedback/analysis. I did look for another CSW, but found none that took Medicaid. Today was my first session with a PsyD.
Sally's methods include Analytic, Family Systems, and Psychodynamic. She has a certificate in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. I remember one psychologist I had back in 2000 had a psychodynamic approach and was slightly more involved than other psychologists I've had. So when I found out Sally's approach methods included psychodynamic, she kind of stood out amongst the other therapists on my list.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is defined according to minddisorders.com as follows:
"Psychodynamic psychotherapy is a method of verbal communication used to help a person find relief from emotional pain. It is based on the theories and techniques of psychoanalysis. Psychodynamic psychotherapy is similar to psychoanalysis in that it attributes emotional problems to the patient's unconscious motives and conflicts. It differs from classical psychoanalysis, however, in that psychodynamic psychotherapists do not necessarily accept Freud's view that these unconscious motives and conflicts are ultimately sexual in nature."
Today's session with Sally was interesting in that she was asking me about my delusions. Never before has a therapist of mine really 'gone there.' I was hesitant in telling her the bizarre and crazy cognitions that used to run through my head during my psychotic episodes, as I thought if she found them out she would not want to treat me. I once went to a DID/MPD expert and when she found out I had a psychosis problem, she basically had the attitude that I was psychotic, therefore in her mind, helpless besides medication treatment. Sally was actually trying to connect my delusions with what conflict was going on in my life at the time of them. This gives me some hope. Instead of dismissing my delusions as solely neurotransmitter misfirings in the brain, she actually looked for some issues behind them. I truly believe that medication alone will not adequately help me in my healing process. It probably also helps that Sally has had ten years of experience working at Hillside Hospital with major psychosis and depression patients. This is not something new to her.
I am most likely going to continue therapy with Sally, even though the commute is about 45 minutes from my house. It is a bit scary starting with someone new; someone who I don't know too well or trust for that matter. I have not told Dr. K that I am not going back to him and I have an appointment scheduled with him for tomorrow morning that I have yet to cancel. I am not looking forward to that phone call. I set my alarm so I could make the call early enough.
Another bonus is that my new therapist is willing to work with me scheduling-wise if I get a job.
Finally I should mention that I attended a NAMI meeting (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) last night. There was one at a hospital local to me that I did not know about. It was all family members of those with illness except for myself, but they gave me info about a peer to peer support group that meets on Sunday evenings. I will probably attend one of those peer to peer meetings with my boyfriend. It was kind of strange that about three of the mothers at the meeting had a son or daughter close to my age with schizophrenia and were talking about the challenges they have in their relationship with them. Not all of the sons/daughters still lived with their mom. These mothers actually seemed to care, much more than I feel my mother cares. Perhaps I am not 'giving her trouble' anymore, so that might be why.
My mother had a brother with schizophrenia that committed suicide when I was one year old. I feel an emotional/spiritual connection to him of some sort. Thinking about him makes me sad, and sometimes I cry, yet I wasn't old enough to have really known him. When my uncle drank the poison that killed him (a popular drain cleaner), he was hospitalized and pretty much was dying for 8 days. I found out that my aunt was on vacation, and upon finding this out, she did not come back to visit him. It astounds me. I have found pictures of him ( had to secretly search) and looking at them makes me sad. I wish I could have been there to know him, perhaps to have had some sort of connection with him. Maybe it reflects my wish of someone reaching out to me when I was suffering. I don't really know if anyone could have gotten through to him, but I am happy he got to meet me when I was a baby at the least. If I were to have had a child and it were a boy, I would have named him Steven, after my uncle.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Caffeine, anyone?
I've been feeling pretty crappy, so I decided to have some caffeine. Unfortunately, I had a bit too much. Starbucks is dangerous!! I had a grande coffee and then a tall coffee. I suppose I could have had stronger drinks then that, but believe me, I am suffering the consequences. It is because of my caffeine intake that I am writing this blog right now.
Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.
I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.
I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.
My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.
Right now I could use a sleep aid...but I am sure eventually the caffeine will wear off naturally. I was talking with my boyfriend for like four hours straight tonight. We were supposed to play Scrabble (my very favorite board game) , but kind of got lost in conversation. With me, that doesn't happen everyday. I love conversation, except when my mood swings toward the floor. He tried to pick me up (figuratively speaking) but I was kinda far gone already. Luckily one of us is having success at sleeping. It certainly isn't me.
I suppose I should find something other to write about than my insomnia tonight (or shall I say this morning)? Have I mentioned that I am upset about losing my best therapist? I am supposed to see her tomorrow. It will be tough for a number of reasons. One is that I am sad, so I might cry. Another is that I might not feel like talking because I know that our therapy will be ending shortly. I have a plan though, and that is to find a great new therapist. This means, dropping Dr. K like a penny in a water fountain. I can only wish for a smooth transition into my new 'chapter' of therapy. Hopefully I will find one that doesn't fall asleep during our session--Dr. K could probably use some coffee. I have a number of leads, to my amazement. My boyfriend, using his expert 'pre-case manager' skills, found 17 possibilities. My odds are better than I had thought.
I hope my sister comes around one of these days. I am worried about her, even though my mother tells me that she is okay. I am worried about the guys that she is hanging out with and/or dating. She will never read this blog, and neither will my parents. None of my family knows about this blog and I intend to keep it that way. This blog is solely for the purpose of venting/sharing my experiences of a life with mental illness. I would not be able to vent if I knew one of them was reading this blog.
My sister is very attractive, but has a bit of a low self-esteem. I really want her to be happy. I don't have a good feeling about these people she's been 'seeing' lately, but if they make her happy, then I should try and give them the benefit of the doubt. My parents are concerned, and my mom asks me to 'have a talk' with my sister often. I suppose being the big sister, I may have some influence. I am usually always there for her; whenever something is wrong she usually calls me up and visits. She hasn't been confiding in me lately; our communication is practically non-existent. I go over my parents house and she doesn't say a word to me. If I say hi, she'll say hi, but nothing else. She hasn't responded to my text messages, and she has free unlimited text messaging. It's a bit disconcerting, but at least I know she's okay through my mom.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Butterflies
It turned out we didn't need the iPhone to get the pictures off of my boyfriends camera. One of the pictures is of a butterfly that landed in my hair and stayed there for about ten minutes. It was really cool. The other pic was another butterfly in the museum.
The butterfly exhibit was my favorite part of the Museum of Natural History. The following day we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was happy that I got to see the Claude Monet paintings there. The Met is a huge place- easy to get lost in and you could spend days there.
I am feeling pretty sad that Jeanne is leaving. Hopefully things will work out with another therapist.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Good News and Bad News...
So, I have good news and bad news. Before I get into that, I will say that I had a nice trip to NYC and will write about it when I find out if I can get some pictures that my boyfriend took on his phone. He knows someone with an iPhone, so there might be a way I can have them e-mailed to me.
The good news arrived in my mailbox today. I got the results from the state civil service exam I took back in November. My test score was a 95 out of 100. This means that I am probably near the top of the list for interview appointments.
The bad news arrived on the telephone today with my therapist Jeanne. She is leaving her practice in my county, and is not getting another office. She will work full-time in Queens and that is a very far trip for me. It is not practical. She is trying to refer me to someone else, but most of the contacts she has are far away from me. She broke the news to me about half-way through the session.
I was discussing my life with Jeanne on the phone today and she said (not the first time she's said) that I need to make more friends. My best friend isn't really much of a friend anymore and my sister is not around lately. My mother is narcissistic according to Jeanne, and is not consistent in the way she treats me, so I best be keeping my distance from her. I have friends on the internet that I correspond with, but Jeanne says I need friends that I will be able to spend time with. My life is very much a lonely one when I am not with my boyfriend. This can lead to sadness/depression which I have a history of.
I cannot believe that Jeanne is leaving. She could not find another local office to work out of. This is pretty devastating to me, as she is the best therapist that I have had thus far in my life. Her leaving is making me a bit concerned, because Dr. K alone doesn't cut it for me. We never go into any issues, they stay at the surface and nothing really gets close to being resolved, nor do I feel relieved from my discussions with him. I am pretty much left with nothing right now. She is quitting her practice at the end of the month. I will have to start all over again with someone new, pretty much throwing four years with a good therapist out the window. Not only do I feel scared, I also feel a sense of panic. Not many therapists take Medicare/Medicaid. And certainly not many that take my insurance can treat dissociation.
So on the same day I find out great news, I also find out terrible news. I guess life has a way of balancing itself out. Hopefully next time I have good news, I will be able to truly enjoy it.
The good news arrived in my mailbox today. I got the results from the state civil service exam I took back in November. My test score was a 95 out of 100. This means that I am probably near the top of the list for interview appointments.
The bad news arrived on the telephone today with my therapist Jeanne. She is leaving her practice in my county, and is not getting another office. She will work full-time in Queens and that is a very far trip for me. It is not practical. She is trying to refer me to someone else, but most of the contacts she has are far away from me. She broke the news to me about half-way through the session.
I was discussing my life with Jeanne on the phone today and she said (not the first time she's said) that I need to make more friends. My best friend isn't really much of a friend anymore and my sister is not around lately. My mother is narcissistic according to Jeanne, and is not consistent in the way she treats me, so I best be keeping my distance from her. I have friends on the internet that I correspond with, but Jeanne says I need friends that I will be able to spend time with. My life is very much a lonely one when I am not with my boyfriend. This can lead to sadness/depression which I have a history of.
I cannot believe that Jeanne is leaving. She could not find another local office to work out of. This is pretty devastating to me, as she is the best therapist that I have had thus far in my life. Her leaving is making me a bit concerned, because Dr. K alone doesn't cut it for me. We never go into any issues, they stay at the surface and nothing really gets close to being resolved, nor do I feel relieved from my discussions with him. I am pretty much left with nothing right now. She is quitting her practice at the end of the month. I will have to start all over again with someone new, pretty much throwing four years with a good therapist out the window. Not only do I feel scared, I also feel a sense of panic. Not many therapists take Medicare/Medicaid. And certainly not many that take my insurance can treat dissociation.
So on the same day I find out great news, I also find out terrible news. I guess life has a way of balancing itself out. Hopefully next time I have good news, I will be able to truly enjoy it.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Something
One of the most noticeable side effects of my medicine is it's flattening effect. Often it takes a lot of caffeine for me to be lively and talkative. Then I go to sleep (sometimes a bit late from being wired) and wake up back to flatness. A lot of the time I am 'stuck for words.' I have always been somewhat of a quiet person, but usually when I was around someone I felt comfortable with, I opened up. It is an unfortunate side effect, but the medicine works very well otherwise and there are not too many other medication options. So I shall drink my tea, and if I feel my stomach can handle it, I will have an occasional cup of coffee.
I am going into NYC on Monday. My boyfriend and I are going to see the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. Dr. K says he saw it and thought it was remarkable.
Upon coming back from NYC, I should look into that volunteer office I was interested in. They said they'd call me after the new year; I figured that they would have called by now. My real wish is to start the internship program that I heard about several months ago. I need to get the handicap bus pass, and either in March of May if I haven't gotten a job, I will try it out. I really need to get involved in something, as I have way too much time on my hands. It is too easy to get depressed and sleep all day. I slept several hours this afternoon and felt horrible upon waking up. I feel like I need to accomplish something- it doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just something.
I am going into NYC on Monday. My boyfriend and I are going to see the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. Dr. K says he saw it and thought it was remarkable.
Upon coming back from NYC, I should look into that volunteer office I was interested in. They said they'd call me after the new year; I figured that they would have called by now. My real wish is to start the internship program that I heard about several months ago. I need to get the handicap bus pass, and either in March of May if I haven't gotten a job, I will try it out. I really need to get involved in something, as I have way too much time on my hands. It is too easy to get depressed and sleep all day. I slept several hours this afternoon and felt horrible upon waking up. I feel like I need to accomplish something- it doesn't have to be anything spectacular, just something.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Not a problem...
I saw my parents for the first time tonight in a long time. I hadn't seen them since Christmas evening. It is strange that I felt so comfortable with them tonight because I am going through some issues revolving around the abuse I experienced during my childhood. Some old wounds have been re-opened. As long as it's not down-pouring, I am going to drive myself to therapy with Jeanne tomorrow. I haven't driven to her office in months. Hopefully I will be able to work on some stuff...hopefully my brain won't freeze up and leave me silent. I don't think that will be a problem, as I am feeling mildly depressed these past few days. Usually when I feel this way, talking to her is not a problem.
I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I don't anticipate any med changes. If I wanted more meds, I'd probably get them. Anything to keep me out of the hospital.
I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I don't anticipate any med changes. If I wanted more meds, I'd probably get them. Anything to keep me out of the hospital.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Six years ago...
Six years ago on this very day, the police brought me to the hospital. I had been in emergency housing since the day before, and was not doing well. Off of the meds, I could not sleep anymore. I didn't have any money, actually I had a dollar and some change. The dollar ended up being eaten by the soda machine at the emergency housing motel, and all the change I had was used to call Dr. K from the pay phone. I called him several times the night before; I thought that calling Dr. K wast he right thing to do, that maybe, somehow, he'd save me. I had a can of soup and a can of tuna, but no can opener. I had nothing with me but the clothes on my back and crutches. I became thirsty and punctured a hole in the soup can somehow and took some sips from it. I don't know what time it was, but I called the police from the payphone as they were my only option left since I had no change left. I told them that I had no food or drink and I needed help. They said something to me that I do not remember, and left me. I ended up calling them again and the second time they came, I explained to them that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder and I needed to see my therapist. This apparently rang a bell, and they put me in the back of the police car (no handcuffs) and took me to the precinct. There they had to switch drivers and I was afraid because I had felt comfortable with the first one. Two cops escorted me for the three hour trip to the hospital. I was terrified of getting in the elevator with them, as they were armed. Being off of meds, I was very paranoid. The only person I trusted at that time in my life was Dr. K. He had always been on my side. He had found emergency housing for me when I told him I could not go back to the room I was renting.
Because he was the only person I felt I could trust, I felt emotionally connected to Dr. K, as if he were my family. To make a long story short, after my time in the hospital, I was brought to a community residence (CR), otherwise known to many as a group home. I was deeply upset when I found out the court order they had placed upon me would prevent me from seeing Dr. K.
Eventually the court order was completed and I was able to go back to Dr. K. I may have knocked Dr. K in the earlier posts of this blog, and though sometimes it seems like our therapy does not go below the surface value of things, he had helped me during one of the hardest times in my life.
Because he was the only person I felt I could trust, I felt emotionally connected to Dr. K, as if he were my family. To make a long story short, after my time in the hospital, I was brought to a community residence (CR), otherwise known to many as a group home. I was deeply upset when I found out the court order they had placed upon me would prevent me from seeing Dr. K.
Eventually the court order was completed and I was able to go back to Dr. K. I may have knocked Dr. K in the earlier posts of this blog, and though sometimes it seems like our therapy does not go below the surface value of things, he had helped me during one of the hardest times in my life.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year
It is hard to believe that it is 2009 and that this year I will turn 32. So far my 30's have been pretty good with no hospitalizations. I have to give credit to my medications. Seven years ago, I was reading a book titled Your Drug May be Your Problem - I think that was the exact title, but it's been a long time so I could be off. My drug was my problem back then. It was causing so many physical health problems that I took myself off of it. Zyprexa caused me to become pre-diabetic and the insulin resistance resulted in my ovaries developing cysts throwing my hormones all out of whack. I got a rash on the back of my neck which was a tell-tale indicator of insulin resistance. My family physician said the rash was something else and gave me a medication to apply to it but the rash remained. It wasn't until I went to an endocrinologist (I decided to go myself, no doctor told me to go to one) that I found out what was going on with me. I was off of Zyprexa for six months and slowly slid into true madness. My psychiatric nurse had no idea that was happening to me- I hid it from her. The only person that knew was Dr. K and he saw the worst of it. He diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder otherwise known as Multiple Personality Disorder. He said I had at least four distinct personalities. He says when they put me back on meds it went away. The hospital I ended up in didn't see that and diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was a mess, nonetheless.
Jeanne treats DID and says I do not have it. She says that I have some dissociative symptoms though. Isn't that lovely. Schizophrenia with depression and dissociative features. Nowadays I am on an "old-school" antipsychotic, that was in the 'family' of drugs that included Haldol. I no longer see the psychiatric nurse. I see a psychiatrist that my very first psychiatrist trained. She is from some other country and we have a language/communication barrier at times. No offense but I'd rather see an American psychiatrist, one that I could have better understanding with. For now, it seems that this is the only psychiatrist that takes my insurance local to my house. Medicaid- no one wants to take it. Medicare pays 50% of mental health fees. That would mean about $80 would be out-of-pocket, at least. Perhaps if I get a job, I could afford that. Until then I am pretty much stuck explaining what keyboarding means and why Americans want to do volunteer work.
I might be starting up some volunteer clerical work this month with an ALS organization. I have to go for a sort of interview, but they are going to contact me sometime within this month. I need to do something constructive with my time. I hardly ever hear from my best friend nowadays. My sister is in her own world. If I have something to do during the day, the evenings might not be so boring. It is time I took control.
Jeanne treats DID and says I do not have it. She says that I have some dissociative symptoms though. Isn't that lovely. Schizophrenia with depression and dissociative features. Nowadays I am on an "old-school" antipsychotic, that was in the 'family' of drugs that included Haldol. I no longer see the psychiatric nurse. I see a psychiatrist that my very first psychiatrist trained. She is from some other country and we have a language/communication barrier at times. No offense but I'd rather see an American psychiatrist, one that I could have better understanding with. For now, it seems that this is the only psychiatrist that takes my insurance local to my house. Medicaid- no one wants to take it. Medicare pays 50% of mental health fees. That would mean about $80 would be out-of-pocket, at least. Perhaps if I get a job, I could afford that. Until then I am pretty much stuck explaining what keyboarding means and why Americans want to do volunteer work.
I might be starting up some volunteer clerical work this month with an ALS organization. I have to go for a sort of interview, but they are going to contact me sometime within this month. I need to do something constructive with my time. I hardly ever hear from my best friend nowadays. My sister is in her own world. If I have something to do during the day, the evenings might not be so boring. It is time I took control.
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