Good News and Bad News...

So, I have good news and bad news. Before I get into that, I will say that I had a nice trip to NYC and will write about it when I find out if I can get some pictures that my boyfriend took on his phone. He knows someone with an iPhone, so there might be a way I can have them e-mailed to me.

The good news arrived in my mailbox today. I got the results from the state civil service exam I took back in November. My test score was a 95 out of 100. This means that I am probably near the top of the list for interview appointments.

The bad news arrived on the telephone today with my therapist Jeanne. She is leaving her practice in my county, and is not getting another office. She will work full-time in Queens and that is a very far trip for me. It is not practical. She is trying to refer me to someone else, but most of the contacts she has are far away from me. She broke the news to me about half-way through the session.

I was discussing my life with Jeanne on the phone today and she said (not the first time she's said) that I need to make more friends. My best friend isn't really much of a friend anymore and my sister is not around lately. My mother is narcissistic according to Jeanne, and is not consistent in the way she treats me, so I best be keeping my distance from her. I have friends on the internet that I correspond with, but Jeanne says I need friends that I will be able to spend time with. My life is very much a lonely one when I am not with my boyfriend. This can lead to sadness/depression which I have a history of.

I cannot believe that Jeanne is leaving. She could not find another local office to work out of. This is pretty devastating to me, as she is the best therapist that I have had thus far in my life. Her leaving is making me a bit concerned, because Dr. K alone doesn't cut it for me. We never go into any issues, they stay at the surface and nothing really gets close to being resolved, nor do I feel relieved from my discussions with him. I am pretty much left with nothing right now. She is quitting her practice at the end of the month. I will have to start all over again with someone new, pretty much throwing four years with a good therapist out the window. Not only do I feel scared, I also feel a sense of panic. Not many therapists take Medicare/Medicaid. And certainly not many that take my insurance can treat dissociation.

So on the same day I find out great news, I also find out terrible news. I guess life has a way of balancing itself out. Hopefully next time I have good news, I will be able to truly enjoy it.

Awkwardness

My dad hired his friend from work, Eric, and my boyfriend to move my grandmother's furniture. Eric is in his early twenties, married, and has a child. Eventually it had to happen- the questions. "What does your daughter do?" My dad said that I used to work at the hospital and he doesn't think I am working right now. Then Eric asked: "How does she pay rent?" My dad just simply said that I share a house with two other women and left it at that.

Trying to appear not mentally ill to someone is harder than one might think. It usually involves a lie that just leads to more and more lies. My dad obviously does not want Eric to know about my situation. However, part of the move involved bringing furniture to my house. Apparently sometime after Eric and my boyfriend moved my furniture into the house, Eric mentioned to my dad that he "knew my house." He said that he used to work for the cable company. I don't know what he knows about my house, except I know that he has either shut off the cable here or dealt with collecting payments from us. We have a terrible record here in terms of paying our cable bill. We are always behind in payments, and for the three years I've been living here, the cable was completely shut off once. My housemates have told the cable company many excuses, such as: "my mother is dying." It is highly possible that one of them has said that she is on disability and is waiting for her next check. My dad felt extremely awkward after Eric mentioned knowing my house. It's a small world apparently.

I feel a little bit bad that my dad tried to hide my situation from Eric. It is just a really awkward situation. I am trying to dig myself out of the whole situation, but I am waiting for civil service to get back to me about my test score and possible interviews. Civil service is my best option for employment, as the benefits are very good. In order for me to get off of disability, I would need a job that is both secure and has good health benefits.

So I have my furniture now and my room looks so much better. I have so much more space to put things. I am pretty happy with my room now, for once.

Civil service

Today I took the civil service exam for keyboarding. It was the grammar portion of it- spelling, punctuation, finding errors, etc. The actual typing part of the exam happens on the interview. It had to be one of the easiest tests I have taken. I was the second one finished but I stayed to make sure I didn't make any mistakes on the answer sheet. I am expecting to get a 90 or above. This is good, as it may be very beneficial to me in getting the job.

I really need to work again soon. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for the internship in the spring. I mean if I hear from civil service regarding a job that is not too big of a commute, I should probably go interview for it. If I had a job, I might appreciate weekends more. As of now, I hate the weekend. My boyfriend and friend work weekends. My sister is usually not available, and I don't have a whole lot to do. I can't go shopping (except for food really) because I had that car expense. I ended up taking a nap today, and I don't like doing that because I feel lousy afterward. If I work, I might enjoy having nothing to do on the weekend more than I do now.

Well, there is not much else for me to write about today.