Another interview offer

I had a good time this first half of the weekend. My boyfriend and I went to a coffee house out east and saw this band called "Who are those guys?". They were pretty good. The coffee shop is actually closing tomorrow and unfortunately they ran out of chai mix, so I could not get my usual favorite- chai latte with soy milk. I got hot chocolate instead, but nothing compares to my favorite drink. Today my boyfriend and I went out to breakfast at a diner and then walked along the beach a little. It was too cold to walk for a long time, but it was still nice.

I got a job interview offer from the university that I attended ten years ago. I would work in their human resources office. It's the keyboard specialist position, like the last interview I had. I'd much rather work for the university, so I guess it is a good thing that I have not heard back from my last interview. I am hoping that I could get the job at the school; I will try my best.

I came home today to find that my room was 80 degrees. My one housemate turns up the heat way too high. I have to keep a thermometer in my room so I can figure out when to open the windows in prevention of the 75-80 degree heat. We are supposed to be bombarded with snow on Monday. I know that I will most likely cancel Sally that day.

Apology

What do you do when you've said some things that you shouldn't have said which ended up hurting the one you love most?

That's my question of the day. I honestly don't know the answer to that. I've said that I am sorry and I tried to explain the possible answers as to why I got so angry. But there is no excuse to have lashed out as I did. There is no way to take back the words that hurt. There is only apologizing and hoping for forgiveness.

I'm sorry.

I truly hope and pray that the ugliness which showed itself today will never come forth again. I had a very intense therapy session today with Sally. I take the blame for how messed up today became. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. But, since I can't do that, I can only work on right now and tomorrow...

It went well...

I had my job interview today. There is tight security at the NYS Office Building. I had to put my cell phone and keys in a bucket and then go through the metal detector. After that, the woman guard asked me to lift up the bottom of my pants so she could check my socks. But I made it through security. I was an hour and a half early. I waited in the hallway and then at a half hour to the interview time, I went in.

The first thing they had me do was fill out some sort of tax form, I guess to make sure I don't owe any taxes to the State. Then I took the typing test. It was pretty long. There was a practice and then the actual thing. I typed 56 wpm with 3 errors. On the practice test, I typed 55 wpm with 1 error and it said that I was allowed 12 errors with typing at the speed of 55 wpm. So I did very well.

Finally they called me in for the interview. There were three women in the room. One was the manager and the other two were employees. They asked about strengths and weaknesses. They asked about my college degree, whether I wanted to continue my education or not. I think it went very well. They are looking to hire two people to start the job in three weeks from now. On my way out, the one woman asked me if I'd prefer to work in the front part of the office or the back. I noticed that she did not ask the interviewee before me that question. So maybe it's a sign I did well. Cross fingers.

So many people will be shocked if I get this job. My aunt will be the most shocked probably, as she has been saying how I was lucky to even get the interview and that I shouldn't give it much thought because there are probably a lot of people going for the job. Although I think I did well on the interview, I will still probably be shocked if I get this job.

Tonight is Taco Bell night at my parents' house. My mom is on vacation and my dad is home because of his recent hip surgery. He doesn't really cook, so he asked me to pick up some Taco Bell on the way over. Tomorrow night he is planning on making some of the frozen fish sticks and french fries, so he said I could stay for that too.

Interview

So I have a job interview for next Tuesday. It's for the keyboard specialist position that I took the civil service test for. I am nervous. Today I am going to go shopping for a new blouse to wear on the interview. I really don't have much dress clothes- I haven't worked in years so I didn't need them. I do have a pair of dress pants that I purchased for my grandparents' wakes and funerals. I am going to wear them to the store so I will be able to see what shirts go with them. It's a good day to shop because this afternoon there will be a lot of sales at the store. I am going to use my dept. store credit card, as it is nearing the end of the month and I have very little money.

I had further correspondence regarding the homeless cat feeding, but I found out that I would have to buy the cat food myself. I cannot afford that, so I told them I couldn't help at this time.

I found out that the social services internship doesn't start until June! The guy told me he'd call me in a few weeks to come in for an interview. I guess if I don't get offered the keyboarding job, that's what I'll do.

More Than a Woman

So I went to the NAMI peer-to-peer support group last night and the turn-out was all male, except for myself. There was the leader, two guys, and myself. So I felt kind of like an outsider. I was the last to get to speak and when I did speak, I got interrupted. Both times I spoke, someone else took over my turn. I felt snubbed and almost ignored. The leader did not really structure our session and let one person do most of the talking. I was kinda hoping there'd be females there that I could be friends with. I could really use some more female friends in my life. When I said I had schizoaffective disorder, I mentioned that there are no groups around here for people with my diagnosis. There are mainly groups for people with mood disorders (e.g. bipolar) and for people with OCD. Except of course for the group last night, which is open to people of all diagnoses. I am going to give the group another chance though, maybe there will be different people the next time I go. That's what I am hoping anyway.

Valentine's Day was great. We celebrated it the day before by going out to dinner. We figured the restaurant would be less crowded the day before.

I am somewhat interested in the keyboarding job that I tested for, but my heart is really hoping for the social services internship that starts in the Spring. I am going to call the internship's agency and try to get an estimate of when exactly that might start. I have a degree in Psychology, I want to help people and use my degree. In college, I said to a friend that if I could help at least one person, make some sort of difference in their life, then I would feel like I served some sort of purpose. I have personal experience with mental illness and I know a lot about 'the system.' I almost became an assistant case manager last Spring, I turned it down though because of the high gas prices. It was kind of far from my house and it was all five days of the week. Had it been three days, I might have taken it because that would not have been as much commuting. I passed the two interviews for it with flying colors, and that gave me a bit of confidence since I hadn't interviewed in a long time and been considered for a position. I feel like I could run a NAMI group like the one I went to last night. Maybe someday I will be able to do something like that. It's good to have ambition, now I just have to get past my nerves. I haven't worked for more than a three month span in eight years, as I've been on disability and haven't really been trying to work. If I work part-time, I can most likely keep my disability. Anyway, I am hoping that the internship will get me back on my feet enough to do something that I would like.

Update on housing

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I drove out east and visited downtown Greenport. It was practically 60 degrees out and we walked down by the docks. Then we went to Starbucks, a place we visit quite often. I got a hot chocolate to avoid caffeine overload. Lately I've been drinking a lot of decaf tea.

Today my case manager gave me some information. She said that the handicap bus pass people would notify me in a few weeks. She also said that she spoke to someone from the housing agency and he said that couples housing is very rare, so we should expect to wait months before getting a place. That was a bit discouraging, but I have to be patient.

I have to recertify for food stamps so I am working on that application.

I never heard back again from the feeding volunteers of the homeless cats. I had told them what days I was available, and I guess that didn't match what they needed. Perhaps I will get the keyboarding job and not need to volunteer. We will see. I have no idea what I would wear to my interview. The last interview I went on, I wore a shirt that I didn't realize had a small stain on towards the bottom. I don't think anyone noticed, but I can't wear that one again. I will go through my closet- I am sure I'll find something. I should also print out a new copy of my resume, if I get contacted for scheduling an interview. Today I mailed in my work history form and letter of accepting the assignment. I am sure I'll hear something within a week or so.

Lift me up

Today I had a successful therapy session. Sally is a good therapist so far; she is very analytical. I was nervous going there today because I wasn't sure I had much to talk about. She asked lots of questions so the session went by smoothly.

I've inquired in a volunteer job that involves feeding homeless cats. It's funny how I sent my e-mail of interest in the volunteer position and then today in the mail I got a letter from the State. The keyboard specialist job that I took the test for has a full-time assignment relatively local to my house. I have to fill out an employment history form and mail it back.

I have to remind myself that I have a nine month trial work period. I can work for a full-time salary for nine months before my benefits will be affected.

I am hanging out with my best friend tonight. I am happy she is able to hang out. I am feeling much better since the other day.

Snowed in

One of the things I hate about winter is driving in the snow. If I don't have to be somewhere, I'll stay home during a snow storm. I don't think we're getting a whole lot of snow right now, but I am staying home anyway. Hopefully the roads will be cleared tomorrow, as I have therapy on Thursday.

I am feeling a bit on the depressed side. Sometimes I lose hope, I begin to doubt my ability to get through life's challenges. I question whether I want to live...as if I had a choice. I don't have a choice- suicide is not an option for me. I think to myself that I will never be successful- I will always be in poverty. That is no way to think, but I think it anyway. I will never be good enough for others, because I just won't ever fit into this world. I beat myself up for being me, and for thinking negatively as well. Of course I might be feeling down today because the sun did not come out and I've been stuck inside my house. Nevertheless, I will live.