After all...

So I've had some caffeine and figured I'd write while there were some words in me. Perhaps my meds are too strong. My psychiatrist is going to lower my medication because of all the horrible side effects I've been having. She already lowered it and at the next visit she said she'd probably lower it again. It still takes some caffeine to get my brain working enough to write. I guess I'd rather be this way than in the psych ward.

I don't really count my last hospitalization as a true psych ward experience. That is because I wasn't really symptomatic to the extent I usually get so it was not really frightening and I didn't get any injections or restraints. Lovely to talk about injections and restraints. I have never threatened anyone, but I guess they thought I was a threat to myself if not others. To me, to have the full psych ward experience, you need to have a needle or be strapped down and secluded. That's the heavy stuff. I don't include ECT (electroconvulsive shock therapy). I've never had it and am going to fill out an advanced directive so I never will. I keep procrastinating on the advanced directive. I really don't want to think about being in such situations where a decision like that has to be made. Everyone has their own opinion on whether ECT is beneficial. I know there have been success stories- I just don't want it for myself. I am glad it can help some people. I may have mentioned in past entries about wanting freedom from psychiatric treatment. There is a part of me that wants to be institutionalized and off meds, free to let my brain be in the state it chooses. Perhaps that would be a pseudo-suicide. I just looked up the term pseudo-suicide and found out it is actually a parasomnia. Oh well, I think it is obvious what I meant by that. It would hurt too many people in my life though if I did that. I'd also have to get a good lawyer and fill out the advanced directive...

I haven't been having much anxiety or emotional pain lately. I haven't been attending therapy as often either. Perhaps the vacation from therapy gave me a vacation from my problems. I think it's just that things have been pretty good. Also, the medication is helping.

We finally have some nice weather and I took a long walk today. I've been thinking of joining the gym because I want to try and kick this sedentary lifestyle of mine. I don't know if I will keep motivated enough to get my full use of the gym, but if I don't try I'll never know. My mother has a negative attitude about me joining the gym, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am 32 years old, after all.