Rough night/morning

I shouldn't be up, but I am. I had too much caffeine Saturday, and I was getting very jittery/anxious starting about an hour or two ago. I am at my boyfriend's off campus apartment and he is sleeping soundly. He is on Clozaril, so he has no problem getting sleep. I, on the other hand, can pull all-nighters easily. Tonight just might be one for me.

A lot of things are going through my head...basically worries about the future. If I ever need to get a job, will someone hire me? I have a nine year gap on my resume and don't know how to explain it. No job coach I have worked with has ever given me a good idea how to explain it. I mean, I took a state civil service exam, got a 95, and they won't hire me. In fact, I stopped getting letters for interview offers. I don't know, maybe I am not on the list anymore. They don't really tell you anything about how the system really works.

I get almost $200 for food a month nowadays from Food Stamps. This is a very generous amount, in my opinion, since when I first moved into my house I only got $24 a month. If I were to work, any job, I would lose my food stamps automatically. I would also lose my small SSI paycheck. My rent would increase. So working part-time isn't the wisest idea. I would be losing almost $300 in income/food, and paying more for rent. I wouldn't be able to make my student loan payments because my paychecks would be spent on food and rent. I would hardly see any of my extra money and I'd be probably stressed out as all hell. This internship that I am interested in, they would pay about minimum wage for ten hours a week. It is far away so I'd be commuting three days far away and the gas prices are going up lately. For a year, I'd struggle more than I am now financially. The guy told me I might be able to be a peer advocate, but I don't see that as being a career that I could live off of.

Mental health careers, unless you have a degree higher than a Bachelor's, pay shitty wages. I mean, if I did not lose my $200 food stamps, then I could really consider it. But I wouldn't make enough to feed myself, pay rent, gas and car insurance, and attempt to pay back my student loans. I don't want to default on my loans, but I might have to someday if I don't get a job.

Not to forget car repairs! I haven't even factored that in.

My anxiety resurfaces every once in a while about the future. I want to enjoy now, because I know that my body is going to fall apart as I age, due to the many medications I am taking and have been taking since my twenties. I know that I cannot truly enjoy now if I am worrying a lot...and that worrying really gets nothing accomplished except for heightened anxiety. Ugh.

I wish I could take a pill right now that would help me sleep, but all I could do is take an extra 4 mg of Trilafon. I was not prescribed that to take as needed, and I know it will be a nightmare getting up tomorrow if I do that. At one time I was prescribed the benzodiazepine Klonopin, for this sort of situation that I am in now, but those pills expired and I am not home anyway, so, no access. I have the Trilafon though because I have a few doses of my regular meds in my pocketbook at all times.

I might call Sally on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment this week, but I have a physical on Tuesday so it can't be then. I am freaking out. If I were to take myself to the psych ER at this time, I'd be waiting probably until 7 am to even get to speak to a doctor/get meds. I don't want to go there, and most likely don't really need to go there...but I just don't like being jittery/up all night.