Not so great

I lost one pound. I weighed myself before breakfast like I did last week. I've got a long way to go. I am not too happy with my progress. I've been eating a lot less. I don't like exercising in the rain so I've been pretty stagnant the past three days. It is hard to stay motivated. Food has always been an escape for me, even when I weighed a lot less.

I've been trying to stay positive, but it's hard when things aren't going all that great. Not getting two keyboard specialist opportunities hasn't helped. I want things to be better and there is not all that much I can do, it seems. It is not wise for me to take a full-time job that isn't secure and that doesn't have good benefits. Most clerical positions are part-time and don't offer benefits. I've been out of work for so long that I think it is really hurting my chances. I may have to work part-time, if I can get a part-time job that I won't be making too much money at. There is a certain allowance that I can make working part-time in which I'd get to still keep my benefits. I don't know the exact numbers; I guess maybe I should start working with the employment counselor from my housing agency. It couldn't hurt.

Last summer, I worked with the employment counselor from my housing agency right before he quit his job. He was kind of odd, but he was helpful. He helped me re-write my resume and cover letters. I don't know what to do, honestly. I mean that internship opportunity might present itself, but I will struggle financially during that whole year of it. It is a big commute and very little money per hour, for only ten hours a week. I think the commute will cancel out most of the profit, if not all, that I would make. It would be good though because they already would know that I have mental illness and I would have a lot of support. It would get me back on my feet again and I might build some confidence. Right now, I don't have too much confidence.

Now that I've written about it, I think the internship is my best bet. Unless a miracle happens and I get the keyboard specialist job, which would be really great.

Part of my issue with employment is that I was scared of my last boss. He lost his temper frequently, slamming down folders on the desk I was at. He yelled at the social worker one evening when I was the only other one there. He was a clinical psychologist and ran a treatment center. He probably needed treatment himself. I ended up becoming symptomatic during my last few weeks at the job, it started with high anxiety. I was on the lowest dose of Zyprexa and was trying to get off of it under doctor's supervision. So when the anxiety started to act up, my psychiatrist gave me Buspar. Unfortunately, the anxiety got way out of control and then I started having symptoms of psychosis. I went into the psych ward for my second visit and I could have returned to work after I got out, but I was too embarrassed to go back.

Well, this has been a long post so I shall end here and get some sleep. Night.